Page 119 of Trying Sophie

It was true. Róisín might have been the first girl to give me the old heave ho, but Sophie had been the first to break my heart.

“Anyhow, it sucked. First of all, I’d never had anyone break it off with me, and second of all, the lad she hooked up with was a better rugby player than me.”

“Ouch. That must have hurt.”

“Meh, it’s fine. He never went pro so it’s all water under the bridge now. I actually haven’t thought about Róisín in years.”

“Did you love her?”

“Róisín?”

“Yeah,” she replied on a hushed whisper.

“Nah,” I said. “At the time I thought I did, but now I think I loved the sex more than anything.” My statement hung heavy in the ensuing silence.

“Oh,” she breathed out then fell quiet.

“Oh.”

“Can I ask you something?” she said after a few beats.

If I’d known what her question was going to be, I might have answered differently. “Sure.”

“Will you tell me what happened with Natasha?”

Fuck.I’d hoped I wouldn’t have to since I’d gotten out of it the other night.

“If I say no?”

“If you say no …” She sighed, a long, extended exhale. “Honestly, if you say no, I’ll probably wonder why you don’t trust me. But I told you once you didn’t have to, so …” her words trailed off.

“I do trust you,” I rushed to assure her. “I just …”

“You just what?”

This time the sigh was mine. “It’s ugly Soph. I don’t want you thinking about that when we’re together. I don’t want you picturing me and Natasha and all the ways she messed me up.”

“For what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re messed up,” she answered. “I think you like sex a certain way, and it might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but it’s not wrong to want what you want.” She paused, took a deep breath, then let it out. “If it’s any consolation, I love having sex with you. It’s exciting and raw and unlike anything I could ever have imagined. Even just thinking about the things you want to do to me makes me wet.”

Well, shit. When she put it like that.

“But it’s okay. I understand if you don’t want to tell me. I won’t ask again.”

I pinched the bridge of my nose and closed my eyes. Was I making too much of this? Maybe if I put it out there, Sophie could help me work through some of the shit that had built up in my mind since that night. There was really only one way to find out.

I inhaled and hoped for the best.

“So I told you I went back to her place, yeah?”

“Yes, that’s where you left off.”

“Like I said, she goaded me all night, telling me all the things she wanted me to do to her. The second we were through her door, I pushed her to her knees just like she’d told me she wanted, but she seemed suddenly … reluctant.”

I dragged my hand through my hair and pulled at the roots. Fuck, it felt ten kinds of wrong to be telling Sophie any of this. I should just give her gist of things so she stopped asking. That way I could show her I trusted her with my past without hurting her in the process.

“Anyway,” I said, leaving out a good chunk of the specifics, “I told her she didn’t have to do anything she didn’t want to. I was disappointed since a blow job was pretty tame compared to some of the shit she’d been saying, but I wasn’t going to force her or anything. I’m not sure how it happened, but suddenly she started jerking me off. Figuring I’d misread her reaction, I told her to lick my cock and … she didn’t like it. I should have stopped everything right then, but she begged me to fuck her … so … so I did.”

Natasha had actually demanded I fuck her like “the bad little girl that she was,” but Sophie didn’t need to know that. Honestly, she didn’t need to know any of this.

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