Page 29 of Becoming Ben

Ha,a voice in my head mocks.You wanted to stay with Ben forever.

I clench my jaw. I hadn’t actually admitted that to myself, but now that it was no longer a possibility, I had to acknowledge that, yes, that was what I really wanted to do.

I laugh hollowly at myself. This was far from the first time my happy ending – or at least myhappy for now– had been stolen away from me, but at least this time, I have a job, a plan, and savings. I would be okay. I had to be.

***

My friend Holden lets me in and tosses a pillow and blanket onto his sofa. His apartment is small and a little messy, and the sofa creaks when I sit on it, but I’m grateful that he said yes with no questions asked. We work a couple of the same shifts and he spotted the book I had with me to read on break and told me he was waiting for the newest one by the same writer, and somehow I had made another friend.

Holden brings a styrofoam cup of ramen out of the kitchen and sits down next to me. “Breakup?” he asks, and I look at him in surprise. He grins. “Look, I seen that fresh-fucked swagger lately, that only means one thing. And then all of a sudden, you’re on my couch with a backpack and a hang-dog look. I’m not as dumb as I look, man.” He hands me the soup. “I’m not much of a cook, but I figure you need something.”

I smile at his effort. “Thanks. You’re right; it was a breakup. Well, actually, I just told him he was better off without me.”

“He is, huh? Why?” Holden asks, leaning back into the sofa and regarding me steadily.

“Because he got fired by one of his clients for dating me today. He’s bi-curious and too sweet and innocent for his own good. He doesn’t need me fucking up his life for him.” I stir the soup, looking at the steaming liquid rather than at Holden.

Holden frowns. “Bi-curious? You mean, like, he’s never been with a guy before?”

“Yeah,” I reply, still stirring the soup.

“And that means… he should go back to women where it’s easier?” Holden asks.

I still. The actual words hit me like a punch. That’s exactly what I had meant, though, wasn’t it? I have no qualms about being who I am. I’m proud of my place in the rainbow collective but for Ben… I felt like he needed to be sheltered from the less-than-pleasant parts of it. He was too sweet. I didn’t want him to have to deal with the people who hated us for who we loved.

Holden hums. “Did he agree?”

I remember the heartbroken look, then shake my head to will it away. “He will,” I say.

21

Ben (and Mandy)

The dogs dance around me as I stand in the yard, looking down my empty driveway. I stand there for a while, hoping that maybe Trey will change his mind and I’ll see him coming back. But that doesn’t happen, and finally, I turn and go back inside, the dogs following.

My feet carry me to the kitchen, where I put a pod into the coffeemaker and wait for it to brew. I’m not sure what to do, and on autopilot, I pull out my phone and call Sherri.

“Ben, what’s up?” Sherri says, answering on the third ring.

“I fucked up with Trey,” I say, noting distantly that my voice sounds hollow.

She draws a breath but doesn’t say anything, and I can see the expression in my mind’s eye. Her forehead would have a crinkle right between her brows, and her lips would be parting and un-parting as she tried to think of the right thing to say. I don’t swear much, at least in normal conversation, and I am sure she is trying to decide which part of my call to address first. “Ben… Why? What happened? Break it down to the base parts.”

I pull in a deep breath, hold it, and let it out slowly. “Trey and I have been seeing each other. Today I told a client that I had a boyfriend, and he made an ass out of himself. I told him off, and it was done, but Trey overheard it and said that I didn’t deserve to be treated that way and left.” I swallow, my throat aching. It hurt when Sherri left, but this was a whole different kind of pain. “I didn’t stop him, I didn’t know how, or if I should, or…”

“Or…?” Sherri prompts softly.

“Or if I–” I stop, unable to vocalize what I was thinking. “Sherri, I’m sorry for how our marriage ended. I’m sorry I couldn’t give you what you needed to be happy.”

“Oh Ben…” she says, her voice very sad. “Ben, sweetheart, we weren’t right for each other from the beginning. You loved me. I know you still love me. We just need to be with different people. We need tobedifferent people. There’s nothing wrong with that. The expectation that you know what you want to do with your whole life when you’re a kid, lock it in, and then live with it forever is absurd. People have long lives, and they grow and change. I grew and I needed a change, and it sounds like you’ve grown quite a bit recently, too. Changed?”

I chuckle a bit wetly. Tears are welling in my eyes, and my throat is thick. “You could say that.”

Sherri hums knowingly. “Did you find what you needed?”

“Yes,” I say without reservation. “I found so much more, things that I had no idea I would want.”

Sherri chuckles softly. “That’s good. But now he’s gone? Did he seem upset with you?”

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