Page 28 of Becoming Ben

I bite my lip, shaking my head. “It’s possible,” I allow, but I think privately that he’s going to have a lot of surprises ahead of him.

“What are your weekend plans,” he asks when I don’t elaborate on infant sleeping schedules.

“I’m probably going to do some grilling, and if my boyfriend is up–” I begin.

“Boyfriend??” Grant cuts me off, his face twisting in anger and disgust.

I stop. His reaction surprises me. It seems like a strange thing to get angry about, and in all of our conversations, nothing had come up to indicate intolerance. “Yes,” I tell him. “It’s pretty new yet, but he’s a great person, and I’m excited.”

“Jesus, when did you turn homo?” Grant exclaims in disgust. “I didn’t think you were into all that ‘woke’ shit.”

“‘Woke shit’?” I ask, deliberately keeping my voice low and steady.

“Homos and trans and shit. Men putting on dresses and sneaking into the women’s room. That ‘me too’ bullshit a couple of years ago.” He shakes his head. “You’re not really a part of all of that.”

I stare at my screen for a minute, the vitriol in his voice combined with what he had just revealed about himself shocking me into silence. I’m trying to figure out how to tell him how many things are wrong with what he just said when he laughs, a mocking sound. “Oh yeah, you’re one of them. Well, I’m going to need you to send me everything you have for my business. I’m not comfortable sharing my confidential information with someone like you.”

“Someone likeme?” Oh, there are the words. “You mean the person who helped you save several thousand dollars on taxes last year? Who has done your accounting without audit or error for fifteen years? ‘Someone like me’ because I’m in love with a man, though, right?” I am angrier than I can ever remember being, adrenaline pumping through me. “You’re afraid of ‘woke bullshit’? Of people who were brave enough to stand up with aMe Toostory? You know what, Grant? That makes you an ass. What are you so afraid of, anyway? Worried someone might treat you the way you treat women?” I smile angrily. “You left some of those receipts in, didn’t you? I hoped that I was wrong, but after this, it’s clear that I wasn’t. Now you can take your bigoted bullshit and shove it up your ass.”

I manage not to raise my voice, but I am breathing hard, and Grant is purple with rage and sputtering in indignation.

“I will send you everything I have in your file and delete my copy. Do me a favor, Grant. Don’t recommend me to anyone you know. I’m too woke.” I click the disconnect button as hard as I can and shove my chair back.

Then I hear the front door slam.

20

Trey

“I’m not comfortable sharing my confidential information with someone like you.”

I come home from work with a little bounce in my step. I know Ben and I both had a lot of work today, but I’m excited that we have time for each other tonight. I’m looking forward to just being with him. I’ve also been imagining lots of physical things I want to do with him, and I am pumped. I bet he has a list, too.

That high bursts like an over-inflated balloon less than a minute after I get home.

Ben is on a call with someone, and I hear him reference hisboyfriend.I like it. I can’t think of a time when anyone called me that. The warm voice that Ben uses when he says it feels as good as his hands on my skin.

Then I hear the other person say, "Woke shit."

I stay long enough to see that Ben is shocked silent, and the person on the computer screen no longer wants Ben to work for him before I can’t stand it. I run upstairs and grab my backpack, stuffing a couple of things into it. I need to go. I just cost Ben a job – who knows how many jobs. Would this guy contact other clients and get them to fire Ben, too?! – and it was my fault that asshole shouted at him. Ben doesn’t deserve that. Ben is a wonderful, amazing man who doesn’t deserve any of that. The woman at the grocery store last night was bad, but I wasn’t even sure if he had heard it. This was too much. I’m not worth bringing this kind of trouble into his life.

I head downstairs again, and I’m almost out the door when Daisy rushes me. I don’t want to let her out on her own, so I close the door quickly and far more loudly than I intended to. I wince, but there was nothing for it. I’m almost to my car when Daisy and Della bound past me, trying to get me to stop and give them pets.

I do stop, but I only hang my head. “Ben,” I say because I know he is standing on the porch.

“Where are you going?” he asks, his voice far smaller than I’ve ever heard it. It makes my throat ache, but I swallow and force myself to speak normally.

“I heard what happened. I’m sorry it came to that with your client. I should go. I don’t want to cause more trouble for you.” I can’t bring myself to turn and look into his face.

“You didn’t cause trouble. I wouldn’t want to work for someone like that anyway,” Ben says, and I hear footsteps behind me. I do turn then, and I wish I hadn’t. He looks crushed.

“You don’t deserve this, Ben. I’m sorry.” I shake my head and turn away, getting into my car. I pull out of the driveway, resolutely not looking in the rearview mirror.

***

I wish I could call Mandy, but this is definitely not something I can bring to her. Once Ben tells her what happened, she’ll choose him. The realization hurts a little, but I am okay with it. That’s how it should be. He’s her dad; he should be her first priority. Besides, I want him to have that support.

I call a friend I work with at the shelter, and he says I can crash on his sofa for a couple of nights while I sort out what I’m going to do. My mind races as I drive toward town, thinking about what I’m going to do for the rest of the summer. I’ve put away most of my paychecks, and I wonder if it would be enough for a security deposit yet. I had hoped to save another month before I started looking, but…

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