Page 22 of Becoming Ben

Ihaven’t given much thought to blow jobs as a whole. I honestly never understood what the fuss was about. Sherri did it now and again; it was perfectly nice but nothing earth-shattering. I had performed oral sex on Sherri as well. The exercise was unobjectionable but certainly not something that would causemeto come. Coming on the floor with one or two pulls as Trey tugged my hair and called me good wasn’t even something I thought was a possibility.

Afterward, Trey drags me up onto his lap and holds me, running his hand up and down my back, and I all but melt. I didn’t know that was possible either, being held and feeling safe this way. We’re both still hanging out of our pants. He’s shirtless, and I have drying semen on my face, but I nuzzle into his shoulder anyway. Trey seems pretty happy about what we just did, which makes me happy, but I feel warm, satisfied, and complete, too, in a way that has nothing to do with what Trey is feeling, and that is a first for me.

I didn’t dislike having sex before, but with Sherri, it was usually for her. I tried to make her happy, but there were times when my body didn’t care to participate fully. I didn’t mind if I didn’t orgasm, but she would get upset. She wanted me to feel a certain way, and often I just didn’t. She never tried to make me feel bad, but I could tell it upset her, which made me less enthusiastic to even start.

When she sat me down and explained that she couldn’t live in a marriage with no passion, I was sad that I couldn’t be everything she needed, but I was also a little relieved. I was sure someone else would be able to give her the passion she needed, and I had been right. Mitch matched her in every way that mattered.

Trey made me feel more in one encounter than I can remember feeling in the sum of sexual experiences up to now.

I don’t know what to do with this.

“You okay?” Trey asks.

I realize I had been thinking very hard for a while, drying come and all.

“Yeah, I’m fine, I’m just– Yeah. I’m fine. That was good. Did you like that?” I ask.

Trey chuckles. “Yeah, I liked that a lot. You just got really quiet in the last few minutes, and I wanted to make sure you’re still good with everything.” The soothing hand is still there, big and warm through my shirt.

I straighten enough in his lap to smile into his eyes. “I ammorethan good,” I say before I kiss him.

We wind up sharing a shower after we untangle ourselves, slippery, soapy hands running over each other, and gentle kisses, but we don’t take it any farther.

We’re both tired, and I don’t really want to be apart from him, but I’m not sure I’m ready to share a bed yet, either. Like maybe it should be slower than that? A few more dates, at least, and besides that, should I move into his room, or should he move into mine? Maybe the default would be him moving into mine, but his bed is just as nice as mine, and was it a little presumptive to assume that he’d come to my room anyway?

“Ben?” Trey interrupts my overthinking.

“Sorry!” I scrub my face with my palms. I tell him what I was thinking, wincing a little at how it sounds out loud, and he chuckles.

“This is why you’re such a good guy,” he says when I finish. “And I’d be happy to move into your bed if that’s what the ultimate decision is.”

“When do we make the decision?” I ask.

Trey lifts one shoulder. “I don’t know. I’ve never been in this situation before.”

He kisses me good night at my door, and I watch him go up the stairs. I think we’ll make that decision together, sooner rather than later.

***

A morning kiss when we meet in the kitchen turns out to be a wonderful way to start the day, and I’m hoping for another when Trey gets home from work. He works the same days each week at the shelter, but his volunteer shifts and clinic hours rotate. The day after I went down on him for the first time, he works at the shelter and comes home late. I am still up, reading a mystery in the living room and waiting with part of my attention. The dogs go running for the door before I’m even sure the car I hear is his. I get up to pour him a cup of the tea I made. “Hello,” I smile when he makes it past the dog love fest in the entry.

Trey smiles back tiredly. It’s later than I realized. Between his volunteer and paid shifts, he had covered a double today. I leave his tea on the counter to hug him, and he hums contentedly.

“Did you have a good day?” I ask, holding on.

“Yeah, it was good. I helped out with a pop-up vaccine clinic at the shelter, so I saw a lot of different faces and passed out a lot of flyers about resources.” He nuzzles his face into my neck, and I shiver when I feel first his lips drag against my skin for a moment, then his breath as he inhales and continues. “Someone who used to come to the shelter came through to get their vaccines and told me that they had found temporary housing and a job, though they weren’t sure if it would last long enough for them to get completely on their feet again. I was happy to hear that. I had wondered about them since they stopped coming. You always hope it’s because they don’t need us anymore, but that isn’t always why.”

“I hope the temporary spot holds out long enough for them to save enough for a security deposit and everything,” I say. Trey doesn’t seem like he is in any hurry for me to let go, so I stay where I am and hold him.

Trey hums in agreement. “Me too. At any rate, he has a better chance of not missing work because of flu and other illnesses now. That’s something. It’s hard to keep diseases at bay when you don’t have regular access to clean water and soap, which is why we try to hold these vaccination clinics whenever we are able to get a clinic or pharmacy to sponsor it, even if it’s not exactly ‘flu season.’”

I pull back enough to kiss his lips lightly. “You seem like you’re done for the night. Is it because it’s late, or is it because of some other reason?”

Trey sighs. “There are a couple of reasons, but it’s nothing serious.” He leans back and smiles at me. “You’re up late. Were you waiting for me?”

I return his smile. “Maaaybe,” I drawl.

His smile turns playful. “Why ever for?”

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