Page 20 of Becoming Ben

Ben’s jaw actually drops, and his eyes go wide. “No! Of course, that’s not what I meant! Any of it!”

I smile across the table. “I know that now,” I reassure him.

“Good! I was pissed that something like that could happen to a fifteen-year-old kid. I just can’t wrap my mind around a reality where that exists,” Ben exclaims.

“That’s what I do at the shelter,” I tell him. “I help teens and young adults who have stories just like mine or close to it. It’s way too common.”

“Mandy had a couple of friends in high school whose parents just didn’t do their jobs,” Ben says. “But there was always something we could do to help.”

“I’m glad you did. There are quite a few kids who aren’t that lucky, and I was one of them. I do need you to understand that when I say I was a drug user and a sex worker, that I don’t do those things anymore. I haven’t in years. I’ve worked hard to get through the trauma from that time, but there are always traces left. I’ll probably have more to work through. I also need to prioritize my sobriety. Sometimes, the Trey that did drugs seems a million years ago, and sometimes, I can taste it. I’m not going to make promises about tomorrow. I can just tell you that I’m doing my best today.”

Ben nods along with a serious expression. It seems like he’s really hearing what I’m telling him. “I can’t claim to know much about addiction,” he says. “Just ‘one day at a time’ and the other things that you hear on TV or whatever. I know it’s an important part of your work and life, though, and if you ever want to talk about it, I’d be interested in hearing about it.”

“So none of that makes you uncomfortable? None of it makes you regret what we did together the other night?”

Ben cringes a little, and I brace myself. What he says, though, is not what I expected to hear. “I’ve been thinking about you since the wedding. I tried not to. I didn’t think you’d be interested, and anyway, it’s kind of creepy with the age difference, but…”

I smile, both with relief and amusement. “I’ve known plenty of creepy men,” I say. “You are one of the least creepy people I’ve ever known.” I get up to clear my plate, and when I grab his plate, I lean over and give him a quick kiss.

We work together quickly to get the kitchen cleaned up, and the girls know that the dishwasher starting means it’s walk time. “Do you want to come?” Ben asks.

Walking and talking are the perfect way to continue the conversation. We walk for the first few minutes in silence. Our hands bump, though, and I feel his fingers curl lightly around mine. I smile and entwine our fingers, squeezing his hand.

Ben finally speaks up. “I’ve been thinking about the age difference since even before the fundraiser. Maybe you’re right that it isn’tcreepy,but it’s kind of unusual. And you’re my daughter’s best friend, which is a whole other level of weird.”

I frown in thought, but I don’t let go of his hand. “I’m almost thirty. I might be younger than you, but I’m not that young. I’ve done a lot more living than most people my age, too…” I look sidelong at him. “Maybe even more than you have.”

Ben nods just enough for me to see. “I think you might be right there. You’ve built yourself a solid foundation for a good future after overcoming more than I’ve ever even thought of.”

“It wasn’t great,” I tell him, “but I was determined, and I was lucky enough to find people and organizations that supported me while I did it. The luckiest find, though, was Mandy. And I’m not just saying that because she introduced me to you.”

Ben chuckles. “Awww…” he teases, then sobers. “Look, I don’t know where you’re looking for this to go…”

I shrug. “This wasn’t on my bingo card at all. I don’t really know. I know what I’m not looking for, so maybe we can start there?”

Ben nods. “Works for me.”

“I don’t hook up,” I begin. “I don’t like casual sex both because I don’t like giving myself away like that, and I don’t like being physically vulnerable with someone I don’t know well enough to trust. I’ve had a couple of FWBs in the past, but–”

“F W B?” Ben interrupts, brow furrowed in confusion.

“Friend with benefits,” I say. “They’re friends, but you also have sex when the mood strikes you.”

Ben grimaces. “That’s a partner,” he says. I work very hard to keep my face neutral.

“It’s – the point is I don’t do casual sex,” I say. “I know that didn’t seem to be the case the other night, but I don’t. I don’t want this to be some kind of– of–”

“Something we do when we’re bored?” Ben asks softly, and there is a rawness in his voice that tells me there is something behind that question.

“Yes,” I say. “I don’t want that for myself anymore.”

“Trey…” Ben’s body leans toward mine, and we stop, facing each other while the girls sniff everything they can reach on both sides of the path. “I don’t want that either. I’ve never wanted that. I’ve only been with Mandy’s mother until you. She was the only person I’d everwantedto be with. Since I’ve met you and felt the —” He pauses, and I can tell he’s searching for the right word. “The desire that I have for you, I realize that what I felt for Sherri was a pale imitation at best. I don’t want you because you’re handsome or convenient. I want you foryou.”

Warmth flows through me. “Ben… I want you for you, too.” I stop and chew my lip as I brace myself for the admission I’m about to make. “I really,reallylike you. As in, I could very well fall in love with you if I let myself. I’ll try not to if this is a bad idea… But I really don’t want it to be.”

Ben takes my other hand in his and we stand together, searching each other’s faces. “It’s not a bad idea,” he says softly. “I think it’s a fantastic idea.”

He leans in and kisses me, and my eyes close in bliss.

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