Page 12 of Becoming Ben

Sherri’s eyebrows go up. She knows how much I usually "take care of things," or at least how much I used to, which is to say not often. Twice in three or four days is unheard of.

“It sounds like you’re…what? Confused? Afraid? Worried?” Sherri asks.

“Not… afraid. But confused, god, yes. And I meant what I said. I feel like a creep. He’s twenty years younger than I am! He’s Mandy’s best friend!” I look at Sherri imploringly, willing her to understand and, hopefully, help me understand too.

“He’s almost thirty, from what Mandy has said,” Sherri says, and it’s so completely not what I was expecting her to say that I tilt my head like one of my dogs when they’re confused.

“Thirty?”

“Yes. He started school later. He’s older than Mandy. I thought you knew,” Sherri says.

I nod my head. “I know, I guess. It came up at some point, but still.”

Sherri shrugs. “So if you’re worried about him being so young, he’s notthatyoung. He’s a full-grown man who can make his own decisions.” She studies me, her gaze boring into me. “You’re not worried about his gender, right?”

I shrug. Truthfully, that was the last thing I was concerned about. He was gorgeous, with a broad, muscular chest, thick, defined arms, and narrow hips. His gender was what made him gorgeous. The fact that, if I actually gave in and played out any of my fantasies with him, I would be touching a penis and pecs instead of breasts and a vagina just made the idea that much more arousing.

“Ben,” Sherri says gently. “Do you think maybe you’ve liked men all along and didn’t realize that’s what it was? We both had a lot of preconceived notions when we got together. With hindsight that comes from twenty-plus years and a lot of self-reflection, I think we got married because we enjoyed and liked each other, but I don’t think we were ever in love. I’m not saying we didn’t love each other – and we still do – but… I’m pretty sure you never felt as strongly for me as you seem to be feeling for Trey. Do you think marrying a woman might be another of the things that you did because you thought you were supposed to do them?”

I want to dispute what Sherri is saying about us, mostly out of reflex, but I know it’s true. I had come to understand that I had married Sherri because I was supposed to. That was the right step at the right time. I loved – love – Sherri deeply, but I never physically desired her the way I do Trey. The sight of Trey’s bare chest caused a depth of longing in me that I had never experienced before.

“I don’t know,” I say honestly. “We went on a hike, and he took his shirt off. I nearly embarrassed myself,” I confess. “And he says such nice things to me. I just–” I shake my head. “I just want to make him happy.”

That is true… although in my fantasies in the shower, the methods of "making him happy" are a lot more sexual than our real-life relationship.

Sherri is smiling. “You like him. You really, really like him. Do you think he likes you too? Mandy mentioned he’s gay.”

I shrink a little. I don’t find myself particularly desirable in any context. I’m slim, not muscular, with more gray in my hair every time I look. Mandy tells me I’m handsome, and I suppose I’m all right, but someone as stunning as Trey must have far better options than me. I’m sure he likes me fine, but I can’t imagine that he could be attracted to me.

I shake my head. “I doubt it. What would he see in me?”

Sherri gives me an unamused frown. “Not that again,” she says, and I sit up straight, feeling a little like I’ve displeased a teacher. “Look, Ben, honey. It’s clear you at least have a crush on him. Why don’t you see if he’s interested, too, and then, if he is… see where it takes you? You deserve to find someone that makes you feel alive and desired. Finding Mitch was the most wonderful thing that happened to me besides giving birth to Mandy.” She winces as she says it, realizing, I think, how it might sound, but I’m not taking it personally.

I hear what she’s saying, but I can’t believe that he would be interested in me, so I shake my head. Talking it over with her has clarified some things, though. There’s no doubt I’m sexually attracted to Trey, and I’ve probably always been attracted to men and women. It seems like I get to learn to deal with a whole new aspect of my sexuality instead of a typical mid-life crisis. I’m recapping my conclusions for Sherri when I notice the newspaper on the counter. “‘Murder in Shafter Falls.’ Jesus, really?”

Sherri nods. “Wyatt mentioned it, and then I saw it on the front page, so I had to buy the paper. Sam is not a happy camper. There have been two bodies found, and he’s worried it’s a serial killer or something, I think.”

I frown at that. Shafter Falls is tiny and a very quiet little town for the most part. There had been some nastiness when Sam’s husband had first returned to town, but that had been dealt with, as far as I knew. But then still waters run deep, so who knows what might be lurking under the surface.

I read the article, and Sherri tells me what she’s heard from Wyatt – no suspects as yet, but a county investigator is assisting the small police department that serves Shafter Falls – before Sherri folds the paper and looks at me. “Ben.”

“Yes?” I ask immediately. That tone has always meant business.

“Ben, think about what I’ve said. You deserve a chance to find that kind of happiness.” She takes my hand. “Think about it. If not with Trey, for whatever reason, with someone.”

I’ve never been able to refuse Sherri anything when she turned the doe eyes on me. “I’ll think about it,” I promise.

And I do, on the drive and after I’m home. I see Trey for a few minutes when he gets home from his internship. As I work to ignore how good his forearms look with his sleeves cuffed twice, I think about Sherri’s advice. Should I be going out and trying to meet men romantically? I hadn’t desired men before, at least that I could remember. I had thought many men were good-looking in the same way I thought many women were pretty. So far, though, only Trey makes me ferociously hard, and my hands itch to touch. Only my daughter’s best friend.

Creep,the voice in my head whispers.

No, I decide. I reach the only possible conclusion. I will keep my attraction to myself; it's the only right thing to do.

I couldn’t get the mental image of his forearms out of my head, though, and my shower runs cold before I get out once again that night.

12

Trey

---