Page 7 of Becoming Ben

“Trouble or not, I appreciate it,” I tell him. “I’m going to get unpacked and figure out where I want things. I have my final internship interview tomorrow.”

“Sounds good,” Ben tells me as he backs out the door. “I’ll head back to work. Please let me know if you need anything.”

“I will.”

He gestures to the dogs, and they follow him a little reluctantly. I’m pretty sure it’s just because I’m new to them, but it makes me smile anyway. When the door shuts behind them, I take a deep breath and walk to the window, admiring the amazing view from the back of the house. The unspoiled mountainside right behind the house is almost surreal. I take a moment to sit in gratitude for having such an amazing place to stay for the summer. As I turn to unpack, I remind myself again not to do anything to mess it up.

The next few weeks are notable for both how normal and how unusual they are all at the same time. My internship is everything I hoped it would be, with great mentors and various challenges and people to help. My volunteer shifts at the shelter change a little to accommodate my internship, but I make sure that I keep one day a week completely free. I learned when I started college that if I didn’t give myself a chance to decompress every so often, the unhealthy thought and addiction patterns I struggled with in my teens could creep back in.

Living with Ben is so different from living in a dorm full of teenagers. The quiet is wonderful, and the conversation is interesting and fun. I also discovered quickly that Ben and I can happily sit in silence as well. I was hesitant at first to make use of the great room and kitchen for fear of getting in his way or making him uncomfortable, but I never get those vibes when we're in the same space. His invitations to eat with him and watch movies seem completely sincere. When I accept, he seems pleased, and when I decline, he seems slightly disappointed, but not upset or hurt.

Mandy comes over to hang out fairly regularly, and I enjoy watching the dynamic between her and Ben. Seeing what a loving, healthy family looks like from the inside is a revelation and a lot different from hearing about it in therapy or from textbooks. I understand now why Mandy is such an accepting, positive person. I bring it up to her one night, about two weeks into my stay, while we're cleaning up the kitchen after an amazing dinner Ben made. He took the dogs for a walk, so it's just the two of us in the house. I put the dish soap pod in the dishwasher and close the door, pressing the start button by muscle memory. Ben is a great cook, and I hope that if I clean up afterward, he might keep at it.

Mandy's wiping down the counters, and I turn to look at her. “You’re a pretty amazing human, you know. I’ve never known why you picked me freshman year, but I’m grateful that you did. Having a friend like you made all the difference sometimes when I felt like it was all too much or too hard.”

She stops wiping to stare at me. “Wow, deep thoughts much? What brought this on?”

“Staying here with Ben is the first time I’ve ever lived in a house that's safe and accepting. Living here and seeing how you and he interact, being part of that, really brought home how different our upbringings were.” Mandy looks upset, and I rush to reassure her. “Not in a bad way! It just makes me happy that I have you in my life and that I get to see this up close. It’s nice to have such a low-stress place to be.”

“If I could go back and give you the kind of love and support that I had when I was a kid, I totally would,” Mandy tells me seriously, and then she gets a mischievous look as she finishes talking. “I wish my parents could have adopted you. I mean, you’re a great big brother already. Except that would be awkward because you think my dad’s hot!” She throws her dishtowel at my face and runs for the living room, giggling manically, and I give chase as she heads out the sliding glass doors into the backyard. Ben shows up with the dogs then, and they join in the chase game. Finally, Mandy calls time and flops into a lounge chair, and I help Ben light the fire pit. It’s another slice of life that’s new to me, and I resolve to enjoy the comfortable family dynamic for the rest of the summer, even if I do think Ben is hot.

9

Ben

Several of my accounting clients have fiscal years that begin July 1st, so the month of June is just as busy as March and April for me. I’ve been working the better part of most days. I don’t think I’ve taken a full day off since Trey moved in. That’s how I’ve started to think of my life in Fort Collins, before and after Trey. I try not to because it seems a little weird, but my house feels so much better with him in it. If he weren’t here, I probably would have spent this whole month eating sandwiches at my desk. Having someone to cook for is good for me. Even if he’s working at dinner time, he happily eats it later. When he tells me how good it is and how much he appreciates it, it makes my whole day.

The one thing I haven’t been doing enough of is getting outside with the dogs. Usually we take at least one long hike a week, and we haven’t done that lately. I’ve noticed that Trey doesn’t work on Sundays, so I’m waiting up for him when he gets home from work late Saturday night.

“Hi, Trey,” I say quietly as he comes through the door. My chest gives the normal flutter I get when he enters a room. I’m almost used to it by now. He looks at me with tired eyes but still smiles.

“Hi, Ben, aren’t you up a little late?”

“Yeah, I just wanted to catch you before you went to sleep. I was going to take the girls up the mountain tomorrow. They need a good long hike. Do you want to come with us? I was going to leave about ten, so you don’t have to get up early.” I hold my breath, waiting for his answer, until I realize what I’m doing, then I let it out as quietly as I can. I want to relax around Trey. I like being with him, but for some reason, whenever he’s around, I’m always a little tense and excited. Sometimes, I wonder if I’m attracted to him because I think he’s so good-looking, but when I compare the way I feel around him to the way I felt with Sherri, it’s like apples and oranges, not really similar at all.

Trey keeps smiling tiredly at me. “That actually sounds great. I could really use a good workout. I love my jobs, but I’m not getting enough gym time in with this schedule. I’ll see you in the morning?”

“Yes, I’ll be ready.” I tell him, “It’ll be fun.”

“Goodnight, Ben.”

***

The next morning dawns clear and beautiful, and I bounce out of bed with a smile. I’m excited to go do something fun with Trey and the dogs, far away from my computer. I dress quickly, in one of my normal hiking getups, just shorts and a t-shirt, but I stop and study myself in the mirror on the way out of my room. I look pretty much like I always do, maybe a few more grays than the last time I really paid attention, but so far, I’ve held off the middle-aged spread that most guys who work at a desk get. The biggest difference I see today is that I look really happy. There’s a slight smile on my face when I first catch myself in the mirror, and the smile lines around my eyes are deeper. I’ve always been on the cheerful, optimistic side, but this morning, I look (and feel) delighted. I can’t pin the why down exactly, but I’m positive it’s going to be a good day.

I have our lunches all made and packed away in my backpack by the time Trey comes downstairs doing the coffee zombie walk. He nods at me, and I silently hand him one of the yogurt, granola, and berry dishes I made for breakfast and let him get some coffee in. I’ve learned in the last month or so of living with him that he’s happier in the mornings when it’s quieter. He’ll listen politely if I talk at him, but if I want to have an actual conversation with him, giving him time to have some coffee is the right way to go.

When he’s eaten most of his breakfast and poured a second cup of coffee, he finally speaks. “I’m looking forward to today,” he tells me with one of his luminous smiles.

My heart expands in responding joy. “Me too.”

“Is there anything you’d like me to bring or pack for us besides water?” he asks as he spoons up the last of his yogurt. “I can make us sandwiches if you’d like.”

“I’ve actually already packed lunch, but if you want to take some extra water in your pack, I’d appreciate it. I’ve got some, of course, but it’s going to be hot today, and I want to make sure we have enough for us and the girls.” Both dogs perk up their ears at the words “water” and “girls”. They’ve been excited since they saw me pack things in the backpack this morning. They know what that means.

“Well, I know whatever you made for lunch will be better than my attempts.” Trey smiles. “I’ll just get my hiking stuff on, and we can go. Thank you for making that awesome breakfast, too.” He bounds up the stairs, and I watch him go, feeling warm and fuzzy about him praising my food.

While he’s upstairs, I get out the sub sandwiches I made earlier, bundling them into an insulated soft-sided lunch box with an ice pack on either side of them to ensure they stay cold in the heat of the day until we are ready to eat them. My backpack is packed except for them, and I tuck them in and zip it shut. Trey returns just a minute later in shorts and a t-shirt like mine, but they look very different on him. It’s not like his clothes don’t fit him, but the way the thin t-shirt pulls across his chest and the shorts come tight against his thighs keeps drawing my eye. I’m going to have to make an effort today to not stare like a weirdo.

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