Page 4 of Becoming Ben

I come back to myself boneless on the bed, panting. The voice in my head that likes to make up things to worry about points out that orgasm rivaled any sex I ever had in my life, and I hadn’t even gotten to the penetration part of the fantasy. I dismiss the negative voice, clean myself up haphazardly, promise myself I’ll shower in the morning, and fall into a relaxed, easy sleep accompanied by visions of blue eyes and happy smiles.

5

Ben

Mandy is coming over today, and I’m excited. She hasn’t seen the house since we looked at it together before I bought it. My things are all moved in now, and my dogs and I have made ourselves at home. It’s a beautiful house, probably more than I need for just me, but the location is perfect, and I love the way it feels inside. The house is built right on the edge of a set of running and hiking trails that are exactly what the dogs and I need to be happy. It’s also built in the style of a mountain cabin without any of the log cabin upkeep. For bonus points, the house has new green construction with no-maintenance siding made to look like cedar, and the interior is all easily cleaned, with minimal upkeep floors, walls, and fixtures that still have a lot of character and warmth. It’s the perfect place for a guy who doesn’t love housecleaning to live with two big dogs.

Daisy and Della are excited, too. I don’t think they actually understand that Mandy is coming, even though I told them. I’m pretty sure they just know I’m excited. I got them shortly after Sherri and I separated at her suggestion. She thought that since she and Mandy were both moving out, I needed someone to care for who loved me. She was right. I got them from the same litter of puppies at the shelter, and they’ve been the center of my world ever since. No one was really sure what kind of dogs they were when I got them, but now that they are grown, I would guess they are some kind of retriever mix, maybe golden or lab, with a healthy dose of collie or shepherd thrown in. They are both very smart, though Daisy is quicker to catch onto things than Della, and both wonderfully loving, loyal companions.

I appreciate more than I can say having someone who needs me to walk and play with them to get me outside. I enjoy my job, which affords me a good living, but sitting in front of a computer screen all day isn’t good for me, and having the dogs in my life makes it so getting up and moving outside is non-negotiable. They’re probably literally lifesavers.

Mandy comes bouncing into the house fifteen minutes after she said she’d be here, which is absolutely what I expect with her. I have lunch ready, roasted Italian-style turkey sandwiches and Caprese salad, which we both really like. I love cooking for people. It’s one of the things I miss about having my family live with me. It's also why I offered to grill for Sherri and Mitch. I make up for not having people to cook for by making homemade organic food for my dogs. I know, I know, I’m one ofthosepeople.

As expected, the sandwiches are a hit, and Mandy spends our lunch updating me on all the goings on in her friend group, online, and even with the influencers she follows. Honestly, sometimes it’s hard to tell who she goes to classes with and who she follows online. When the meal is done and the dishwasher loaded, I drag Mandy to the upper floor of the house for a top-down tour. It really doesn’t take much convincing. She’s as excited to see the house as I am to show her.

The upper floor has two bedrooms and a bathroom, nice big rooms with dormer windows and a view of the hills behind the house. I don’t use either of them, which is why I think it might have been too much house for me, but I had the furniture store deliver a bedroom set and a nice mattress for one, so if anyone wants to visit, I’ll have the room. I’m not sure who that would be, with all of the family living so close, but you never know. And it’s just depressing to leave the rooms empty. The other one has a hide-a-bed couch, just in case, and not much else. The bathroom is a pretty standard affair, with a tub-shower combo, but there’s some nice tile work and a window to bring in natural light.

“What are you going to do up here, Dad?” Mandy asks. “I thought you were going to put your office in one of these rooms with the nice view?”

“I did at first,” I tell her, “but I wasn’t getting any work done. The view is too nice. I moved my office downstairs next to my bedroom. It still has a nice view of trees, but it’s not as distracting. I come up here to meditate, and it’s perfect for that. No distractions.”

“So you’re not using the top floor except to meditate once a week or so?” Mandy asks skeptically.

“Hey, I could be meditating every day,” I protest, laughing. We both know I’m not. I try, but my attention span is too short. I use the walks with my dogs as my thinking time, which works better for me.

“So then it’s pretty much empty up here,” she says again, and I realize that she’s hinting at something.

“Did you want to live here?” I ask. “I thought you loved your apartment and your roommates. Has something changed? You’re welcome to live here any time, of course.”

“I love you, Dad,” Mandy replies, laughing. “No, I do love my apartment, but I appreciate the offer. The older I get, the more I realize how rare no-strings support from parents really is. I wasn’t thinking about me; I was thinking about Trey. He usually stays in the dorms for the summer, but he can’t this year because they’re replacing carpets and painting and stuff. He needs a place for three months, and he’s having a hard time finding a sublet.”

“That’d be fine,” I tell her. I don’t even really take any time to think about it. Mandy always had friends staying over while she still lived with us. Occasionally, kids stayed with us for months while they figured things out, or their parents did. This wasn’t that different, right? I had plenty of room.

Mandy and I take the dogs for a walk on the trails behind my house after I show her the downstairs and backyard. The trails are the real reason I bought this particular house. Being able to walk out the door, around the corner, and be on a trail in nature was the deal-maker. The hike is as wonderful as it always is, and Daisy and Della enjoy themselves immensely. Letting them off their leashes to play fetch in a mountain meadow with no one around is about the most fun a dog can have. All four of us come home happy and tired. The dogs flop down in front of the fireplace on their beds, and Mandy and I say goodbye by the door.

“Are you sure it’s alright if Trey stays here?” Mandy asks before she leaves. “I kind of sprung it on you.”

“It’ll be fine,” I reassure her. “It won’t be any different than when your friends stayed in high school.”

Mandy laughs, “Maybe a little different. Trey is almost twenty-nine, Dad. He’s not exactly a kid.”

“I’m sure it will still be fine. You obviously like him, and he seemed like a great guy at the wedding. No worries.”

“Okay, I’ll give him your number. Thanks, Dad! I love you, bye!” She flings the last bit over her shoulder as she bounds down to her car. She’s apparently not as tired as I am.

I shut the door behind her and contemplate what to make for dinner. I’m already getting a little excited at the idea of Trey staying here. I liked him, and I’m sure the weird electricity between us would disappear if he lived here. It would be nice to have someone to cook for. This seems like a great idea.

6

Trey

Thank you very much for the offer, but due to circumstances outside of my control, I have to decline.

That sounds good, professional, and appropriately grateful. I still don’t want to send it. Over the last week, I’ve worked out a decent plan for the summer. The only real problem is that I have to turn down an unpaid internship with one of the best mental health crisis centers in Colorado. This is the email that I’m having a hard time sending. The only way to make it through the summer without the RA job and the food plan that goes with it is to work another job. I’m not willing to leave my job and commitments at the shelter, so that leaves me no time to do the internship. I just can’t afford to work those hours unpaid.

I’ve also decided that since I can’t stay here over the summer, I won’t reapply for the dorms or the RA position in the fall. It was a lifesaver for my first three years, but I feel like it’s not where I need to be anymore. If I can work two jobs this summer, I can save enough to go to school, work one job in the winter, and live off campus.

I technically get my bachelor’s degree next week, and I’ll start on my master’s in the fall. My test scores on admission and my grades have qualified me for an accelerated program. If I can just stay on track, I can complete my master's requirements in one year and start on my doctorate after that. I have a scholarship to cover the entire class cost, all the way through my doctorate, but it doesn’t cover food and housing. Still, I know how lucky I am to have it, and although I’d love to do this internship, I have to work this summer to stay in school. No point in angsting about it. It is what it is.

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