Page 35 of Protecting Paul

“Oh, Sammy,” he gasps out. His grip tightens, and his thighs shake slightly. “Holy shit…”

He leans forward, grunting and moaning as he comes. I splay my fingers against one of his thighs, supporting him a bit. I swallow, the salty taste filling my mouth and throat. When he falls back onto the bed, I wipe my mouth.

I hear his heavy panting as I tug my boxers back over him. I stand up before flopping onto the bed next to him. He glances over at me, giving me a blissful grin.

“You feed me, blow me, then dress me. You’re ridiculous,” Paul laughs. He kisses me sweetly before laying his arm across my chest and flinging a leg over mine. “I’m not complaining, though.”

“I told you I want to make you happy,” I laugh, shrugging. “I think that’s an easy way to do it, hmm?”

“It’ll work every time,” he smirks. He trails a finger down my chest. I see a strange look cross his face. Before I can ask, he speaks up. “Sammy, I need to ask you something.”

“Anything,” I say quickly. I want him to feel comfortable confiding in me no matter what. “I’m here.”

“Have you given serious thought to, um, the implications of being with me?” He asks nervously. When he looks at me, he can tell I’m confused by the question. “I mean, I’m not exactly a normal citizen of Shafter Falls, you know? People are going to judge me and you for being with me.”

“I already told you I don’t care about that. I said so the other night, and still feel the same way. I like being with you. Why should I care what other people think?”

“Because it could mess things up for you. Being openly gay in Shafter Falls is one thing, but you’re also a cop. What if people find out, and it affects things at your job?”

“Paul, I told you last night that they already know. My partner made it clear a couple of weeks ago that the entire precinct knows it. That was why they didn’t want me getting too involved with arresting Jerry.”

“And they were just okay with it?” Paul sounds skeptical. I simply nod. “Okay, but what if… what if the people find out? What if they don’t take you seriously as a cop or something?”

“I’ll keep doing my job and ignore it,” I insist. “Come on, hear me out. My dad and Mark have managed just fine since they got together. Some people will be jerks, but that’ll happen anywhere.”

“That’s different,” Paul keeps pushing. “You’re a public servant or whatever. You could lose a promotion or something over being with me.”

“How often do I have to tell you it doesn’t matter? I’ll figure it out.” I’m at a loss for how to convince him. “Please don’t push me away again, Paul. I’m being serious.”

“I don’t want to push you away.” He sits up. He looks down at me and fiddles with his hands nervously. “I just want you to make sure you think this through. There will be obstacles you can’t predict if you get with me. Unlike you, your dad, and Mark, I’m pretty obviously gay. I don’t blend in like you guys.”

“If anyone says anything to you or does anything based on that, I’ll protect you.” I sit up, tilting his chin to look at me. I try to convey in my gaze how much I mean it. “I want to be with you. I don’t want to let you go again. I’ve always regretted that I did it the first time. Please…”“Sammy, I care about you so much.” Paul hugs me tightly. I wrap my arms around him and bury my face in his damp hair. “That’s why I want you to think things through. I couldn’t forgive myself if you took this leap and then… and then it ended badly.”

“If it makes you feel better, I guess….” I swallow heavily. I blink back the tears of frustration. “I swear I have thought this through, and nothing is going to change. I’m sure of that. I’ll do it for you, though.”

As I hug Paul close to me, I don’t want to let go. I want to force him to stay right here with me forever. I can’t do that, though; it tears me up inside. I have to let him go. I just worry he’ll never come back when I do.

20

Paul

Mystaminaistappedout, and I fall onto the couch. I planned to spend the day cleaning up my house from the disaster Jerry left, but it didn’t last long. My body aches, and I’m gasping for air. I slept in late today, but I’m still exhausted. The sun is setting, and I feel like I’ve accomplished nothing.

I’m also fucking miserable. I’m sure I did the right thing by insisting that Sam really think about what he wants. He needs to be 100% sure if he decides to be with me. I don’t think he realizes how hateful some people can be. Maybe right now, he thinks he’s crazy about me, but feelings fade. If I ruin the life he’s built here, I will hate myself. I hear a knock on the door and sit up slowly, grunting with pain.

“Sammy?” I ask when I swing it open. It’s only been a day since we had the thinking conversation, but here he is, “Is everything okay?”

“No, it’s not,” he says. He’s wringing his hands together nervously, and his voice is pinched. “I tried to take time to think about things like you wanted me to, but I don’t need any more time. Hell, I didn’t need any time at all.”

“Sam…” I sigh, ready to counter his statement. He shakes his head, holding a finger up to my lips to silence me.

“Listen, Paul, okay?” He says with deep resolve. “Whatever obstacles come our way, I do not give a single fuck. I’ll fight however I must if it means I can be with you. I need you to believe me.”

He sounds desperate. He’s begging me, and my heart hurts. I want to say yes so badly, but I can’t ignore the reservations running through my head. I look down, unsure of what to say.

“Ah, fuck it. I wasn’t going to say it yet, but….” Sam tilts my chin up, looking at me so tenderly I could cry. “I love you, Paul. I love you enough to take the leap. If it means I can have a future with you, I’ll do anything. I’ll move to Denver tomorrow if it means I get to keep you with me. The only thing that could make me leave you is you saying you don’t want me.”

“Sammy.” I look up at him, choking back tears. “I didn’t know you felt that way. I guess I didn’t want to think about it in case it was wishful thinking.”

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