Page 26 of Protecting Paul

“With the two of us working on it, yeah,” Sam agrees. His hand no longer moves in my hair, and I wonder what stopped his gentle movements. “I guess we should make the most of that time then, huh?”

My chest contracts, and I can’t seem to open my mouth to reply. After tomorrow, we’ll be on the fast track to my leaving. Weshouldmake the most of our time together. Even if it makes the ending more painful, we should appreciate it now, right?

I sit up suddenly, leaning in to kiss Sam deeply. I can’t put my feelings into words, but I can express them physically. I settle one hand on his hip, tugging him against me. Our tongues tangle together, the kiss growing heated and desperate.

His hand finds its way into my hair again, but the movements are no longer soft and gentle. Neither are mine. It’s almost like the mention of me leaving is making us frantic. As Sam said, we’re trying to make the most of our time together, especially now that it has a distinct expiration date.

Our erections press together as Sam pulls me on top of him. I pant as we break apart from the kiss. Sam’s lips are swollen, and his eyes are dilated. I’m sure I look the exact same. Sam looks more beautiful than ever like that.

“Paul,” he says, his voice soft. He sounds almost timid. “As amazing as everything we’ve done together has been… You’re leaving soon, and before you go, I… I want to go all the way with you. At least once.”

I’ll admit that this is the longest I’ve spent hooking up with a guy without having full sex. I told myself it was because Sam wasmostlya gay virgin. He told me one night as we lay in bed together that he’s never gone all the way with a guy, only girls.“Not that I haven’t wanted to,” He’d said. “I just haven’t had many opportunities to be with guys. Not until you came back. I’ll admit, I love it.”For the time being, we’d left it at that. I’ve told myself we’re taking things slow for his sake, but I know that’s a lie. I wouldn’t feel so conflicted if it weren’t a lie. We’re taking things slow for both of our sakes.

Do I want to have sex with Sam? Of fucking course I do. He’s the hottest guy in the world. But something tells me I’m in too deep now. If we go that far, it’ll mess with my emotions more. It’ll make it impossible for me to leave.

“Paul?” Sam asks after I’ve been quiet for too long. He looks nervous, chewing on his lower lip. “I didn’t mean to make things weird. I just… I meant what I said, but don’t feel pressured.”

“No, it’s fine.” I swallow heavily and pull away. I stand up suddenly, running a hand through my hair. It’s a total mess from Sam playing with it. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea, Sam.”

“What?” Sam sits up straight, cocking his head to the side like a confused puppy. I have to look away before my heart completely breaks. “Why? I know I’m not as experienced as you, but I don’t think it’ll beterrible.”

“It’s not that.” I shake my head, still refusing to look at him. “It’s just like you said. I’m leaving. If anything, we need to cool things down before that.”

“But I thought you wanted to make the most of our time together, like I just said a minute ago.” The pain in his voice is evident, and I hate myself for making him feel that way.

“You said that, but I didn’t necessarily agree. We should take a step back. It’ll just be harder to say goodbye if we don’t.”

Sam is quiet now. I sneak a look over at him and instantly regret it. He looks like someone just kicked him in the stomach. From his perspective, this probably seems out of left field and confusing. He doesn’t know that I’ve been struggling with this for ages.

“Paul, I don’t care if you’re leaving soon,” he finally says, raising his head. “I have to accept that. I don’t want to waste my last chance to spend time with you. I care about you no matter what.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t,” I snap before I can stop myself. I feel a rising panic and I don’t even know why. “I left without saying goodbye last time, and now I’m leaving again. Why would you care about someone who just keeps leaving? It’s not like this relationship could ever go anywhere. I won’t stay, and you would never leave.”

The moment the words come out of my mouth, I regret them, but it’s too late. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a look of incredible pain cross Sam’s face. I can’t blame him. And I can’t stand to look at it.

“Well…” Sam clears his throat and stands up. “That doesn’t stop me from caring about you. Sorry if that’s a burden on you, but it’s true.”

“I should go,” I say. I know I will cry if I look at him again and see the pain in his eyes. I don’t know where to go from here. “I’ll be fine for one night.”

“Wait, Paul! This is a bad idea! Come back!” I hear Sam cry behind me as I race out the door. His footsteps follow me, but I get in my car before he can say more. I can hear his muffled voice behind me, but I ignore it. I have to.

As I drive away, I see his figure in the rearview mirror through my tears. He followed me downstairs, trying to stop me, but I still left. I always leave. The worst part is that he’ll probably forgive me. He’ll look into that kind heart of his and justify what I did.

My house may be in disarray, but I can spend one night there. Mostly, my uncle’s been coming in the early evenings. It’s past the time he’d usually be here. I’ll be fine.

I park my car in the driveway and sigh heavily as I look around. It’s worse than the last time I was here. I step over the broken glass as I walk inside. I don’t even care about it. I feel numb after what just happened.

I’m halfway to the bedroom when I hear a voice behind me. I close my eyes and try to convince myself I imagined it. I hear it again, louder now. It’s real. An icy chill rolls down my spine and I want to throw up.

“I was waiting for you to show up, you coward.” I can tell he’s drunk by the way he’s slurring. “I saw the cameras your faggot friend put up. Nice try.”

“Jerry,” I whisper and turn to face him. There are goosebumps dotting my arms, and I’m practically shaking. The only thing I can do now is stand my ground and lie. “Police officers are staking the place out right now. You need to leave.”

“You can’t fool me,” Jerry laughs, and it’s a villainous, humorless laugh. “I’ve been keeping an eye on this place. Ain’t no police officers around here.”

I back away at a snail’s pace, trying to get closer to the side door. If I can get a little bit closer, I can bolt out that way. It’s my best bet.

“I don’t want any more trouble,” I say softly. I’m almost there, so close to freedom that I can taste it. “Just give it up, Jerry. There’s no future for you here.”

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