Page 25 of Protecting Paul

“Oh yeah?” He asks, sitting at the table as I set the pizza down. His tone sounds strained, and I don’t know how to pull him out of this weird funk. “Give me the news.”

“We have the stakeout planned for day after tomorrow,” I explain as we grab slices of pizza. “So, you can stay here a few more days, and then you should be good to head back home. We can pick up where we left off.”

“Oh, that’s good,” He nods. I’m baffled because he doesn’t sound excited like I hoped. I start to worry I’ve done something wrong, but I can’t figure out what. “I hope it goes well.”

There’s an awkward silence between us, filled only with the sound of us eating pizza. My chest hurts. I search for something,anything, to say to break it. I don’t know what’s wrong with Paul. I want to help, but how the hell can I help if I don’t know what to do?

“Are you okay?” I ask, glancing over my shoulder. I put the pizza in the fridge and

clean up. There’s an unreadable expression on Paul’s face.

“Huh?” he asks, looking up at me as I walk over to him. “Yeah, everything’s great. My uncle is going to jail, and we can get back to working on the house. Then I’ll be done here. What would be wrong?”

“I don’t know. You just seem kind of down. I know it’s a lot to handle, but it’s good, right? It’s what you wanted.”

“Yeah, it’s exactly what I wanted,” he replies. Something sounds wrong with the way he says it, though. It sounds like a lie. “I’m happy. Just processing everything. It’s unreal.”

“Yeah, yeah, that makes sense.” I force a smile. I don’t believe him, but we have more to worry about at the moment. I’m sure he’ll be in a better mood once his uncle is jailed. “It’s overwhelming, but I promise it’ll go smoothly.”

“I believe you.” He smiles at me. It looks as forced as mine feels. “I’m just tired. I may head to bed early.”

“Yeah, go ahead.” I take a risk and lean in for a kiss. He kisses me back, but it doesn’t feel right. Everything feels wrong. We pull apart. “I’ll join you in a bit, okay?”

He nods and heads for my room. At least he’s not avoiding sleeping next to me. I don’t want to admit it out loud, but I’ve been sleeping better than usual with Paul in bed. I love waking up with him on my chest, snoring softly.

After I finish cleaning up, I head to my bedroom. Paul is already asleep, so I quietly walk to the bathroom. Once I finish showering and changing, I slide into bed next to him. I watch him for a moment. He looks so peaceful and cute while he sleeps.

“I wish you weren’t leaving,” I whisper the words I’m too scared to say when he’s awake. I lightly press a kiss on his forehead. “I wish you’d stay here forever.”

I wrap my arms around him, and he snuggles close in his sleep. It feels nice to say the words out loud, even if he can’t hear me. It’s been weighing heavily on me for weeks now. There are other feelings I can’t bring myself to say out loud, even when he’s asleep.

I’ve fallen so hard for Paul. I know the feeling in my heart goes beyond our friends-with-benefits relationship. I also know that telling him will only complicate things when he leaves. I’ll just bear this burden myself and try to smile when it’s over.

14

Paul

Ishouldbeoverjoyedright now. Jerry is about to get shot in the ass with karma, and I can resume my original plan. I should be excited to get back to my old life. Instead, I feel empty.

The reality that my time in Shafter Falls will finally be nearing an end once Jerry is behind bars is dawning on me. That means I’ll have to say goodbye to Sam. Just like last time, I don’t know if I can.

Tomorrow, the stakeout begins. If Jerry continues as he has been, he’ll be arrested. Then I won’t have an excuse to stay with Sam any longer. I’ll be forced to sleep alone again, which truly sucks. I won’t have my big muscular teddy bear by my side.

I’ll miss him. I’ll miss him so much it may break me. I missed him the first time I left, but this is different. I was able to push it aside as teenage infatuation. It’s more than that now. We’re adults now, and I know I’m not just some exploratory phase in Sam’s life. He’s made that clear time and time again.

Sam notices something is up with me and asks me about it a few times. After I dodge his questions, he stops pushing. I’m grateful, but I feel guilty about lying to him. I can’t tell him the truth. I can’t tell him the thought of leaving him makes me want to throw up. It’ll just make it worse when I leave.

When Sam gets home after work, he beams at me. He tells me how excited he is for the stakeout, and I feign excitement. He goes to his room to change, and I sit on the couch. I’m trying my hardest not to think about how much I will miss him. He returns from changing and sits next to me on the couch. I instinctively lay my head in his lap.

Somehow this has become our routine. Sam gets home from work, changes, and we cuddle or hook up in some manner. It feels so domestic. It feels like we’re a real couple, like we’re boyfriends. If I put aside all of the obstacles, I could see myself doing this for the rest of my life.

“I try not to get personal when it comes to these things, but I can’t help it,” He admits. He plays with my hair gently, and I swear I could purr like a cat. “I wish I could punch him in the teeth.”

“Me too, Sammy, me too,” I laugh. For the first time in the past two days, it’s a genuine laugh. “But it’ll be over soon, so we won’t have to worry about that.”

“Yeah, it’ll be over soon,” Sam says. His voice sounds far away, tinged with sadness. “Are you ready to get back to fixing the place up? We’ve had quite the break.”

“Um, yeah.” I swallow heavily. Sam keeps bringing up the renovations and my return to Colorado. He doesn’t know about my internal struggle right now, so I can’t blame him. “I guess without the sabotage and shit, we can probably get it done within a month or so.”

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