Page 84 of Fae Exile

His fingers paused in their journey up to my shoulders. “Including me?”

“Yes.” I sighed heavily, petting Saffron’s knobby arms some more while he purred with deep sleep. “No. I don’t know.”

Rush dropped his hands and dipped his head so I couldn’t avoid his eyes unless I closed mine. “I am so incredibly sorry I hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you at all, not even the slightest bit. But then I went and hurt you in the worst way. The look on your face when I”—his voice hitched—“when I slid the blade into your heart, it’s haunted me every minute of every day. I think I’ll never stop seeing my betrayal through your eyes, so beautiful, so tortured, so haunted … by what I did.”

“You didn’t do it ’cause you wanted to,” I offered before scowling.What the dragonfire, Elowyn?

“But there has to have been another way. Some way to avoid that. It was so awful. So horrible. There had to have been something else I could’ve done. Maybe if I’d just killed myself then she wouldn’t have bothered with you anymore.”

I snorted. “Yeah, that was the solution. Kill yourself.”

“Better than killing you,” he snarled—at himself, I thought.

“I trusted you.” My words were too soft to be an accusation, too raw to be safe to share with the man who’d done everything he blamed himself for. There truly might have been another way.

“I know. And you didn’t even know about the mate bond, the mate magic, that it was supposed to save you. But, El...”

“What?”

“When I did it ... when I stabbed you, I couldn’t be certain the mate magic would save you. It was a horrible risk. But at the time I thought my options were to take a risk and bet on yousurviving, or watch as she killed you forever.” His eyes glistened. “And I couldn’t stand the idea of living for centuries knowing you’d once been in the world and no longer were. I was selfish. I wanted you in this world with me.”

“I know.”

When his brows arched with surprise, so did mine. I hadn’t meant to say that. Hadn’t realized I thought it.

But I supposed I did.

The queen had been leaving us no good choices since I met her. It was either bad or worse with her. And permanently dead was definitely worse than temporarily dead.

“You do? You really do?” Rush asked with so much hope singing through his questions that my heart couldn’t help but leap at them.

I exhaled loudly. “I do. But that doesn’t mean I’ve forgiven you. Even though I understand, I can’t?—”

He clasped my hands once again. “You don’t ever have to forgive me. Never, if you don’t want to. I’ll live with the burden of what I did, every single day and every single night, just...”

“Just, what?”

“Just...” His eyes pulsed, his tattoos mimicking the flare. “Just, will you let me back into your life? Will you allow me to prove to you how important you are to me? How very sorry I am? I promise you, I can be a mate you’re proud of.”

Staring up at him, I gulped.

“There’s no one else but you for me, El. You’re my one and only. Please remember that when she ... when I have to...”

A growl vibrated deep in my chest, and the spying ear zipped down to hover lower. I glared at it as if my anger could force its retreat.

I snarled, “You’d better not be about to say when the queen orders you to have sex with her.”

His shoulders rose and fell with resignation.

I stepped out of his grip. “That’s bullshit, Rush. Hell no.”

“If I was willing to riskyou, my fuckingmate, I’m sure as fuck willing to give myself over to her if it’ll keep you safe.”

My nostrils flared, and Saffron shifted heavily across my back. “No.”

“It’s just my body. You’re the only one who’ll ever have my heart.”

“Fuck. No.” I stomped back into his space, stabbing a finger against his solid chest. Whisper-shouting, I hissed, “I gave my maidenhood to you. You didn’t have the equivalent to give to me, okay, I accept that. You’re old as shit. But I willnotstand by now while you go whore yourself out to that bitch.”

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