“Those three words are powerful. You make your own decisions and forge your own luck. The rest will fall into place. You’ll see.”
Waving my hand around, I ask, “Is that how you wound up with all this?”
“I was fortunate enough to be born into this life, and yet unfortunate enough to be born into a different time. One where girls were often overlooked. Eventually I made them see me and took what I had, multiplying it over and over again. Sometimes I had a man by my side, but most times I didn’t.”
“But you’re a Mrs.”
“Ah yes. Garrick Dane. The only marriage that I enjoyed, because I was free to be myself. Took until I was in my forties to find that, and we had thirty good years together. Times are different now. You don’t have to wait that long. And you shouldn’t.”
Well, that lets me know she’s at least in her seventies. Though I suspect she’s way more advanced in age than that.
“Jordanna, dear, your limitations in their world aren’t because of money. It’s because of the boundaries and restrictions you’ve placed on yourself. Be bold in your moves. If it doesn’t pan out, write it down and make another attempt, and another, until you’ve lined up the pieces in a way that gives you the outcome you desire.”
“You mean to get revenge?”
“Or to give forgiveness if that is what you’re after.”
I shake my head, letting her know my forgiveness isnotwhat I want to give them.
“Very well. Are you still doing as I’ve suggested?”
“Yes. I’m journaling, and writing down everything I see, and everything I feel. I’m still not entirely sure how it helps me combat what the beautiful people are doing at school.”
“Observation of yourself and others is an important step in gaining insight. And that insight, is how you’ll pinpoint each person’s strengths and their weaknesses. When you know those things, you know how to work them to your advantage.”
“That’s what they did to me. They figured out my weaknesses and used them against me.”
“Why, yes. That’s exactly what they did, my dear. It’s a tactic used by powerful people since the beginning of time.” She sips her tea, looking pleased that I’ve made the connection.
“So I should get rid of anything that makes me seem weak.”
“On the contrary. The key isn’t getting rid of it. It’s taking your weakness and making it your strongest asset.”
“I don’t know how I could turn that around. Logan used my inexperience and naïveté about sex against me.”
“Own that. And own your body. You can make your sexuality work for you in any way you desire. They targeted the young innocent girl, that you were. But you don’t have to be that person anymore. Now, you can be a feisty ingenue. Claiming what you want. Even in your femininity, strong and innocent, there is power, and you can learn to turn his experience against him.”
“You wouldn’t happen to have a book about how to do that lying around, here would you?”
“No.” Her nail taps against her cup. “But I imagine you’ll figure that one out on your own, just fine.”
The conversation switches to my plans for this summer. She’s trying to convince me to apply for a conservatory program at the Sorbonne and dismisses my explanation about why I can’t afford to stay in Paris for three months. Instead, she reminds me that there are always patrons of the arts interested in sponsoring emerging talent.
The image of every hostel horror movie trailer I’ve ever seen comes to mind whenever I think of Europe on a budget, but I tell her I’ll consider her suggestion. She points behind me, and I reach around to drag the table with the chess board closer. It’s time for another lesson.
Ten
Jordanna
Break up etiquette 101. Return each other’s stuff. Logan and I weren’t together that long, so we never reached the steal his sweatshirt stage in our relationship. And other than some paints and brushes, I didn’t have anything at his studio. What I do have, however, is the gift that’s been in the back of my closet at home. I guess my mother or sister thought they were doing me a favor by shipping it to me.
It wasn’t cheap, so I don’t want to trash it, and I wouldn’t feel right giving it to someone else because I brought it specifically with Logan in mind. We’re well beyond the date specified in the store’s return policy too.
Suck it up Jordanna. Just give it to him and leave. I’m just about to ring the buzzer to his studio when the front door opens. I smile at the delivery guy with the leather jacket as he exits the building allowing me to slip inside.
I can do this, I can do this, I can do this. I chant during the ride to his floor and during the walk to his door. Raising my hand, I knock. And wait. Several minutes pass and just as I’ve convinced myself that he’s not here, the door slides open.
“Hi.” I squeak out, as the hollow feeling in my stomach intensifies.