Page 14 of Beautiful Agony

"Can you really say that?" His laugh is bitter, hollow. "After what I did to you on those stairs?"

He turns to me, and the raw anguish in his eyes makes my heart crack.

"I hurt you, degraded you, used you the way he would have used her."

"That's not true. You wanted to stop?—"

"But I didn't." His voice breaks. "I should have walked away. Instead, I let my anger control me. I became him."

"Vadim—"

"I'm sorry," he whispers, and the naked vulnerability in those two words steals my breath. "I'm so sorry for what I did to you. I understand why you wanted to get away from me. Why you went to Olga for help."

He looks away, and blinks fiercely.

"Like she did."

My chest aches at the self-loathing in his voice. I want to tell him that he's wrong, that the real monster is the twisted part of me that demanded that pain, that pushed him past his limits just to satisfy my own twisted need for punishment.

He wasn't the one who used me.

I was the one who used him.

He turns to stare at the empty driveway where his sister was just a few moments ago.

"You didn't drive me away." I reach for his hand but stop when I see the bandage on the bite mark I left.

"I did." Self-loathing drips from every word. "I forced myself on you?—"

"No, Vadim." My voice comes out sharper than intended. "Ibeggedyou to hurt me. I wanted..." The words stick in my throat, but I have to say it. I have to let him know. "I wanted you to hurt me."

"Zvyozdochka,I?—"

"Let me finish, please," I whisper as I take his hand in mine. "You weren't the one who used me. I used you. For my own selfish needs."

My voice cracks as I continue.

"I forced you to cross that line, Vadim. Partly because I wanted the physical pain to match the guilt eating me up inside since Paris." I take a deep breath. "But also because I knew I could. You can't force yourself to shoulder all the blame because I had my part in it too. Iknewthat the one thing you were afraid of the most was becoming like him, yet I kept pushing you towards that anyways."

Vadim's jaw clenches. "Lacey?—"

"I know you want to think that you're the monster here, but you're not." The words tumble out. "I have my share of the blame as much as you. And that's the real reason why I ran. Notbecause of anything you did. But because I realizedIdidn't want to push you deeper into the darkness you've been running from your entire life."

"We both fucked up, haven't we?"

A bitter laugh escapes me. "Spectacularly."

He's quiet for a long moment, and then his hands finally reach for mine.

But where a touch like this used to send an undeniable surge of warmth coursing through me, all I feel now is a coldness seeping from him into my bones.

I grip his hand tighter, hoping desperately to feel that warmth again, but it doesn't come.

And I don't know how I can get it to ever return.

5

VADIM

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