Page 45 of Bound to a Monster

“But if you were good, you really should.” Natalya studies me for a second and looks like she wants to say more, but the conversation moves on.

By the time they’re getting ready to leave, I realize that this is the most fun I’ve had since coming to live with Lev. Natalya seems like a genuinely nice person, even though she looks like she’s going to be cold and unforgiving like some kind of Russian ice princess, but that’s totally far from the truth. I find myself wanting to spill my guts to her a dozen times before the end of the meal, and when she pulls me in for a hug, I’m tempted to ask her not to leave.

“It’ll get better,” she whispers as the men talk out on the stoop. “I know it’s hard right now, but it’ll get better.”

“I hope you’re right.”

“Lev’s adjusting too. He’ll come around. You two just have to—” She hesitates and shakes her head. “You just have to find a way. I’ll talk to him.”

“No, it’s okay, you don’t have to do that.”

She gives me a tight hug, and it takes all my self-control not to start crying when she takes her husband’s arm and they leave together.

Lev watches me from the doorway. “What did you and Nat talk about?”

“Nothing.” I turn and head to the stairs. “I’m tired. I’m heading to bed.”

“Wait.” He follows after when I don’t stop. “Carmie. Wait.”

“I’m just tired, okay?”

“You’re obviously upset.”

I turn on him when he reaches the landing. “Of course I’m upset. How am I supposed to not be upset? I’m basically your sister, except I’m not madly in love with my husband. You realize our kids are going to be a few months apart?”

He flinches slightly at that and looks away. “I know.”

“It’s fine, okay? I like them. I’m just having a hard time.” I storm away to my bedroom, but he calls my name one more time.

“Thank you,” he says. “For not saying anything.”

“About the baby? I wanted to.”

“I know you did, but I need to tell them first. There are going to be… questions. You might want me to take the initial wave of them first.”

I close my eyes and nod, feeling beyond exhausted. Not because tonight was a strain—it was surprisingly easy chatting with Natalya—but more because of the secret I can practically feelgrowing inside of me and the ramifications of what’s going to come.

A baby. A new life.

I’m going to be a mother, and Lev’s going to be a father.

“We don’t even like each other.” I don’t know why I say it. I can’t look at him as the words come out, but it feels like bile in the back of my throat.

“Who says I don’t like you?” His voice is thick, and I don’t bother turning around.

“You tolerate me. That’s not the same.”

“Carmie—”

“I don’t need you to love me, Lev. It’s probably better if you don’t, right? No strings, no complications. We can learn to do this together. But right now, I just feel like shit and wish my life weren’t such a disaster, that’s all. Can I go now?”

I look back over my shoulder and immediately regret it. His eyes are stormy and emotional, his mask slipped again, that darkness staring out. Again, I’m not sure if he wants to kill me or fuck me, and to him that might be the same thing. It should terrify me, except it doesn’t. I can’t even muster the energy for that right now.

“I’ll stay out of your way then,” he says and disappears to his room.

Guilt hits me when I’m alone. Maybe I was a little hard on him out in the hall. It’s just that seeing Natalya and Alex made me realize how far away I am from having a normal relationship with my husband. He made it so clear early on that I’m nothingto him, that he doesn’t want anything to do with me, and it’s only after he learned about the baby that he seems to care even a little bit.

I’m just done. That’s all, just done. I’ll feel better in the morning, or maybe I won’t.

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