Page 84 of To No End

I found myself frustrated that I had relied on my combat skills to beat my opponent. How was this helping me channel strength and focus for my magical abilities? If anything, this room would break me before it built me up. I stared at the light of the orb in the darkness like it was some code that I had to crack.

Henceforth, I returned night after night to the hall of Vespers. Not because I was assigned to, but because I’d become plagued with nightmares. I’d rather be training in a room with a Vesperthan letting the aftermath of these sessions torture me through attempts at sleep.

The bags under my eyes made it obvious, and Cairis had even made some remark about me needing to get my beauty rest, but I just brushed it off. Every night that I pushed myself to the brink in a tiny room with a Vesper was one less thing I had to fear.

I knew I’d become addicted to it and I didn’t care. I didn’t mind putting myself through the pain and torture because every time I walked out of that room, I felt more powerful, less of who I was and more of who I would become. I delighted in my creativity, thinking up new ways to test myself.

I had no idea if this was what we were meant to do, but it was working for me. I may have been tired, but I was mentally stronger than ever. The lack of fear had me engaging in riskier behaviors in the flight valley and in the sparring room. I was numb to pain and less focused on healing. It was like a callous slowly building over time, and with each session, I hardened.

When I showed up to Saryn’s class each day sporting more cuts and bruises, he asked me why I wasn’t healing myself in between sessions. I replied, “We should know when to show our scars and wounds to blend in amongst our enemies, should we not?” I quirked an eyebrow like I was teaching him something.

He smirked and gave me a nod of pride. Saryn may have been approving of the new methods to my madness, but I couldn’t say the same for my peers. However, I took no stock in their opinion. This was working for me. They may have had years of experience over me and plenty of motivation, but I was finding the monster within and they had better stay out of my way.

Fighting the nameless faces of strangers was getting old. Over time, I got brave enough to explore my limitations. One of my biggest fears was being the weakest link in the group and giving up priceless information. Saryn had discussed the numerous ways in which we could end up being tortured behind enemylines. Sadistic ways I had never fathomed, and now I couldn’t get them out of my mind. They stayed with me, which is how I knew I feared them, which is how I knew I must overcome those fears.

I set my intentions very clearly with the Vesper. Most of the time, I made it embody Saryn. I don’t know why, but I did. I set a safeword and instructed it not to stop. No matter how much I screamed, begged, or cried for help, it was not to stop unless I said the safeword. It was my only form of safety in these exercises. Knowing that I could push myself far enough to the edge and as soon as I needed it to stop, it would. If these experiences were ever to come to pass in reality, there would be no reprieve.

I reserved these activities for the latest hours, long after the others had gone to bed. When no one would hear my screams or find me a mess in the healing pools. These wounds would not be ones that I would wear to class. I’d let myself experience the wrath of water, fire, blade, poison, and searing mind-meddling. With each test, I grew stronger and my endurance peaked.

Each night, Vesper-Saryn would try and pry secrets from me about the Offering, the Order, and Basdie. Even about my relations with Trace, my true feelings about the others; each time I would absorb the pain and let it swell. I’d let the thick tears stream down my face in between my cries. I’d lick my dry lips till those tears tasted more like victory than pain. I didn’t know what I was working toward, but I could feel it. I just couldn’t explain it. Something dark inside of me was evolving.

When I finally understood the art of torture, I got brave enough to try it myself. This time I tied up the Vesper and repeated the same exercises that I had subjected myself to. I had to admit, it was far easier to be the victim than the tormentor. The first few times I tried, I found myself retching and vomiting in the corner of the room.

Inflicting repeated violence on someone who was unable to defend themselves was the hardest thing I’d tried to accomplish yet. I truly felt parts of myself dying each time I attempted it.

I’d begun to lose weight; lack of sleep and of eating had me looking quite miserable. No one—except maybe Saryn—would believe me, but I felt stronger than ever on the inside.

Trace’s disapproving looks were around every corner. One day he grabbed my arm, pulling me aside.

“I don’t know what you’re doing in there, and I know it’s none of my business, but you need to slow down.”

“You’re right, it is none of your business,” I spat. “You don’t get to decide what kind of monster I become. We all know how you feel about useless people.”

My words were venomous, and the shock on his face quickly turned to sadness. His mouth agape but silent, I pulled away from his grasp and headed back to my studies.

When Nori showed up at my door, I knew the group had elected her to try and get through to me when the rest couldn’t. They knew I had a soft spot for her. Nori sat on my bedside, trying to get me to open up about my training and offer some glimpse into what I had been doing with the Vespers.

I evaded the subject, explaining that I had been fulfilling my assignment as prescribed by Saryn. He didn’t exactly articulate what I was to be doing with them but seeing his approval when I got better at wielding only motivated me. My shields were stronger than ever, my glamour improving with each day, and I had even dared to attempt shapeshifting under Gia’s guidance.

Even if I couldn’t hold it for more than a few minutes, I had tried. I was improving and that was the point. Menial magic like lighting fires and warming baths had become nothing to me, barely requiring any energy or thought.

When she tried to convince me that I should focus on training other skills, I snapped back defiantly, “I will not be the weak one amongst the lot of you. I will be feared, too!”

“Cress,you’rethe brave one! You befriended me when no one would, you fought Saryn, you came after me with no knowledge of the repercussions, and you stood up for me to the others, risking everything. You are fearless, and that is more valuable than being feared!” she pleaded.

I tried to listen and hear her words, but I’d become used to blocking out all the noise.

“Please, let me help you,” she offered earnestly.

The familiarity of it echoed our struggle in the valley, when I begged for her to return. I didn’t know how to accept help anymore. I had isolated myself completely in an attempt to become like the others.

Here I was looking into the pitch black of Nori’s kind eyes, seeking answers and reprieve.

“There is one thing you could do,” I whispered, not letting the darkness of my dreams hear me utter a plea.

“I’m suffering from terrible nightmares, because of my training…” I paused, hoping she would understand how bad it had gotten.

“If I could just get some good sleep, then I think I’d feel differently.”

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