Page 82 of To No End

“I think I knew he was the one even when we were young. Something drew me to the stables, and it wasn’t a love for horses—though I pretended to be more than interested in themjust to spend time with him. We practically grew up together. It wasn’t till we were older that the visits to the stable, the long rides through my father’s lands, and the way he’d help me off my saddle became something more. I acted first. He never presumed to be worthy of a High Lord’s daughter, but I wanted him and nothing was going to stop me.”

Gia recounting the story of how she’d fallen for her mate delighted and distracted me from this place as I sat there enveloped in her words, imagining young forbidden love. Her story reminded me of the books back home in my library; stacked in piles on the floor of my room. It reminded me of the times Versa and I would gossip over her escapades. Thoughts of my family had become fewer and farther between, I realized.

“I knew from the moment my lips met his, and I knew it every day after. I was the one who asked for his hand in marriage and arranged the ceremony in secret. While I may have been the one with everything to lose, he was the one I was putting at risk. Some days I regret that, but I was willing to fight for our bond. For a year, I evaded my father’s attempts at securing a match for me. Unbeknownst to my parents, I had already wed my mate, and if it came down to it, I was prepared to lose it all and leave everything behind for him.”

Before all of this, I’d have liked to know that kind of love. Conceivably if things had been different, then that is what Trace and I could have blossomed into. But could a flower ever bloom with only blood and darkness? We were a seed planted with false intention, and given no time to grow beneath a sunless sky.

“My mate and I were ready to escape if my father brought news of a betrothal. However, when that day came, I was delivered something far more crushing. I was the Offering. My older sibling was with child and the others, much too young, so that left only me. For days, I hid away in my room claiming to besick, unable to face him, unable to tell him the truth of what was happening. I still wonder if what I did was right.”

“What did you do?” I whispered, nervous about her answer.

“I lied and told him I was betrothed to another Royal, very wealthy, someone who lived very far away, and that I could not go against my father’s wishes after all. I broke our bond and told him to find someone else to love.”

I felt myself holding my breath at her confession, and I could see her teeth clenched just to get the words out, like she was hearing herself admit them for the first time.

It was wrong of me to ask, I knew it even as the words were leaving my mouth, but it was too late.

“What does breaking a bond feel like?”

Gia whipped her head to face me, thick tears filling her beautiful eyes before spilling over.

“Like death by a thousand cuts and unimaginable grief. In the first few days, it’s like gasping for air when you’re unable to catch your breath. Some weeks you ebb and flow between numbness and endless rage. Sometimes the sadness gets tired of being contained and it comes out like violence. Screaming, thrashing, violence.”

A few more tears dripped down her soft cheeks.

“Some days it’s like being asked to wander the woods blind, where you try to make your way but realize there’s no point, no purpose. On the days where you think you’re fine and moving on, you experience small things that trigger your memory. A scent, a place, or something someone says, and then you either lock away your feelings and push on bravely or you let yourself crumble for just a short time.”

Gia’s honey eyes looked glazed, and her face was soaked with tears; the dimming sunset illuminated her long blonde curls.

“Is it worth it?” I asked, anxious to understand.

“If I had to do it all over again, I don’t know that I would have sealed the bond. If I had known what the pain of breaking it felt like, I don’t know that I would have gone through with it. This place may have my body, my fealty, but I don’t know that anyone else will ever have my heart. To be honest, I don’t think I have a heart anymore. I think I cut it out myself and left it at his feet.”

I sighed, wishing I could shoulder some of Gia’s pain. I hoped that in some small way, this was cathartic for her. Each of us grappled with letting go of our past. Some more than others. Some had lost more than others. Some had sacrificed more than others.

I stood to give Gia some time alone as the sun made its final descent. Eventually, the valley would be lit only by the moonslight. As I began to walk away, she looked over her shoulder and I heard her whisper over the wind, “Count yourself lucky you’re not bonded.”

That evening we were all reading in the common room when Saryn requested that I join him in private. I placed my book on the table and gave Gia a nervous side-eye. What could he possibly want from me?

He pulled me into the mess hall and wasted no time.

“You’re making plenty of progress with Theory, but you haven’t shown enough improvement with your abilities. It’s unacceptable.”

His words were intense and oozing disapproval. The worst part being that he wasn’t wrong.

Saryn pored over his notes, making mentions of my various failures, improvements, and few successes.

“I see that the library has served you well along with the arrival of the requested materials. You’re the only one who has spent any time exploring poison-making and showing signs ofpromise. However, your toiling doesn’t fool me. I know that you’ve only done this to make up for your lack of elemental manipulation beyond water.”

He paused, looking at me accusatorily, waiting for me to acknowledge the truth. When I said nothing, he continued.

“Many find that they have an affinity for one element over others. I suggest you set aside the powders and potions and spend more time concentrating on honing abilities that require actual magic, not just stirring and a steady hand.”

I rolled my eyes. Nothing was ever good enough for him. I’d quite like to try one of my latest concoctions on him. He didn’t need to read my mind to know what I was thinking.

Before I could utter any excuses, he asked, “How often are you training with a Vesper?”

And with that question, he had me pinned. I hadn’t visited the Vespers at all. Not since we were introduced. The others had, and it was paying off, but I was too scared. Too scared that I wouldn’t have enough self-control to avoid the “drowning pools” of my past as Theory had warned. My lack of response made Saryn’s judgment transition quickly to frustration.

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