Page 72 of To No End

In a moment of shock, I’d failed to keep my mental shields up, and my barrage of thoughts became fodder for Saryn.

“Cress, what have I told you about shields?” he scolded me. “Yes, a Vesper can take on any form, so long as it comes from your imagination or memory. You give it the details to provide its form, and your will gives it action. No, we don’t believe they feel pain, as they are a form of unending energy. And they will only hurt you back if you want them to.”

“What do you mean if we ‘want them to’?” Cairis asked casually.

Theory nodded at Saryn, implying she’d take this one.

“Violence is a very unique thing to master. There is inflicting pain to defend oneself, there is also inflicting it as a means of extracting information. With two sides of this coin, one hopes you’d be the one inflicting this pain, however that may not always be the case.”

My eyes widened in fear and my breath hitched.

“If you happened to be captured, how much pain could each of you endure? What kind of pain could you withstand? How long could you witness someone else undergo such horrific treatment? And even worse, what if you cared for that person?”

Torture. She was describing torture, and instinctively I glanced over at Trace, who had a hard line set across his jaw and his arms folded tightly over his chest. He stared ahead, nevermeeting my gaze. Is this what he meant he couldn’t protect me from? Are these the horrible things they wanted us to do?

Realistically I could fight someone, I could defend myself and others by magic or other means, but this was something else, entirely. This required cruelty. But then the words echoed through me—what if I was on the receiving end? What, if anything, would I be able to withstand? If someone tried to hurt Trace or even Nori, I don’t think I’d be able to contain myself, but moreover, I’d probably be as good as dead if someone wanted to torture me for information.

“In time, when you find the courage—and I hope each of you does—then you should explore your limitations with the Vesper. It is the safest way to do so, because as soon as you wish for your pain and suffering to cease then your commands will be followed,” Saryn explained, as if that did anything to calm my nerves or resolve my concerns.

The underarms of my shirt were now damp with sweat and my hands were moist and sticky; my anxiety seeped out of my skin. I began to feel nauseous in the tight space surrounded by my peers.

Theory snapped her fingers at us, trying to draw our attention back to her. “I will warn you all explicitly. I cannot stop you from doing what you want within these walls with the Vespers, but I recommend you do not spend your time with them dwelling in the drowning pools of the people from your past. It’s an undertow from which you may not escape.”

I found myself drawn to new ideas I had only just now realized. If the Vesper could take on any form, then that must mean I could see Versa again, or anyone else of my choosing. Did that include the people who were here?

Saryn led us out of the tiny room, where the glowing orb remained, unbothered and in darkness. He pointed to the row of rooms in the hallway, one for each of us.

“They each contain a Vesper. It does not matter which one you occupy, and you don’t have to choose the same room each time. Remember, the Vesper is merely a vessel to bend to your will. It cannot manifest anything on its own. You provide it with thoughts, feelings, and form. It’s only as good as what’s in your head. What you give it is what it has. Before, it has nothing, and after, it takes nothing with it.”

Thoughts of those powerful orbs and what was possible with them overwhelmed me as we paced back to the common room.

That night I was too distracted by thoughts of the Vespers to do any reading; never mind the growing collection of books I had stacked up in my room. I lay in bed thinking about what I’d witnessed and how we’d been encouraged to use them. I had no idea if any of the others had made their way back down to the Vespers that night, but I lacked the courage to return.

Instead, the possibilities formed a mental list of all the things I feared most. My mind raced in circles until I fell into a sleep that danced with more dreams than I’d had in a very long time.

CHAPTER

22

The following day I didn’t see Nori at breakfast, training with Theory, or lunch. When no one else knew her whereabouts, I began to worry that Saryn might have done something to get rid of her. When I sought her out, I was relieved to find her in her room. She sat on her bed, seemingly unaffected by my barging in without invitation.

“Why aren’t you training?” I exclaimed.

“Train for what? To run a knife across a stranger’s neck? To degrade myself in front of others? To witness someone I care for be intimate with another?” Nori yelled back, showing more angst than I’d ever seen from her.

All this time, she had bottled everything up in silence. But I could finally see the stoicism beginning to waver. Something about what she had said felt eerily familiar, but before I could place it, she declared boldly, “I’m leaving. Tonight.”

“You can’t,” I argued, “They’ll kill you.”

“I’ve seen their tortured nightmares. You have no idea what they have in store for us,” she retorted angrily.

“Nori, please stop this,” I pleaded, trying to convince her she wasn’t thinking clearly. “They warned us about the enchantments and leaving without permission, are you willing to risk it?”

“The risk is my own, Cress,” she replied confidently. “It’s my life to risk, and there’s no one else for them to take. If I die, there are no other children in my family. This is my decision to make.”

She may have had a point. Nori being an only child meant there were no others to deliver to the Order, but I couldn’t let her go through with this. It was a suicide mission, but somehow, she firmly believed staying was a fate worse than death. I pushed aside the weight of that thought for my sanity.

“Please just wait, let me try and figure something out. I don’t know, maybe I can talk to Theory and see if there’s another option.”

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