Page 47 of To No End

My dry lips rasped, “Trace.”

When I did as he asked, he gripped my leg, wrapping it around him. Trace placed himself at my entrance, holding himself there. He teased me with a fraction of his length, refusing to push past the threshold.

“Again.”

I licked my lips. “Trace.”

He pushed himself into me just a little farther. I wanted more, all of him. I craved the true fullness that I had seconds ago.

“Are you sorry?”

Yes. Yes, is all I wanted to scream, because never had I imagined pretending to fall off a horse would have led me to this game of unrelenting, sensuous torture. But I knew what he wanted.

“I’m sorry…” I paused, letting the silence fill the air between us, “Trace.”

The sound of his name once more drew him to me, fully filling me, and he pounded into my core with a rapid pace, carrying me with him to a climax that he finally allowed both of us. It culminated with his lips pressed against mine for the first time since he had rendered me helpless. I collapsed into him fully, unable to hold myself up any longer.

In contrast to his earlier intensity, Trace gently removed my remaining bonds and dressed me carefully and slowly. He took note of my exhausted state and brought me water. He pulled my disheveled hair back and tied it with the ripped fabric that had previously veiled my eyes.

Once we were somewhat presentable, I looked at Rain, and the mere thought of having enough strength to ride seemed unfathomable. Trace let out a small laugh and shook his head in disbelief.

“You’ll saddle with me and I’ll tether Rain. I’m not letting you fall off your horse for real this time.”

I didn’t have the will or energy to argue with him. Not after what he’d just put me through. He hoisted me up onto Alcar and saddled behind me, holding my body tight and close to him the entire way back to the haven house.

“You need a good warm soak this evening, you’re going to be very sore.”

That night we lay in bed together staring out the skylight at the stars. This was our usual activity after dinner and a game of five questions.

“I’ve always loved the stars, they’re one of my few constants and bring me solace.” There was an air of sadness in Trace’s admission.

“The stars are like seeing something that’s already gone, it’s terribly sad,” I said before realizing it was highly unlikely someone who was less educated would know anything about the astronomical sciences. They believe the light we see is actually from stars long dead, only just now reaching us. I changed the subject immediately.

The days with Trace blurred together, and if I could, I would have bottled up that brief time of happiness for eternity. As my freedom dwindled, I tried to ignore the overwhelming feeling that I awoke to each morning. More pictures of me appeared in the sketchbook, but he never showed me directly. I only ever saw them when I had a chance to sneak a glance.

I had planned to spend at least a week with Trace, but now, one week didn’t feel like nearly enough. I wrestled with the desire to stay as close to him for as long as possible and the need to see my family. Before I left, things at home were manageable, but that didn’t mean there weren’t hard days. My father withered more each time I saw him, his appearance falling further into disarray. My mother remained distant, unless it involved wedding plans, allowing her to placate herself with asemblance of normalcy. Keeping up the lie in front of Versa was the worst of it all, though.

As my feelings for Trace intensified, I found myself daydreaming in bouts of jealousy of what my sister would get to have with her betrothed. Sure, there were moments where we all successfully pretended like it wasn’t eating us alive…but there were others where any one of us appeared as if we were about to crack. I was keeping it together for them, they were keeping it together for Versa, butIwas the one who was keeping it all together for me. Here, with Trace, it was much easier to ignore. I loved them dearly, and maybe I’d spend the rest of my life missing them, but I relished in this escape where I was the center of attention for all the right reasons, instead of for what awaited me at home.

I had made it known to Trace when I needed to part ways, noting that I had a fair distance to travel to meet up with my new crew. He reluctantly acknowledged that he, too, would need to return to his post soon. Together, we set a date, knowing that in a week this would all come to an end, and I could tell leading up to that we were both eager to ignore it as much as possible.

There were days where we spent more time locked in one another’s embrace than doing anything else, hidden away under the canopy of the treehouse, fugitives from sunlight. We teased each other to the brink of madness in the pools of the hot spring, creating swirls of luminescence with each passionate exchange. We were determined to defy time; too certain our nights were endless; too foolish to know it wasn’t true.

The night before we departed, there was no way to hide from reality, to delay the coming of the dawn.

“I think I’ve been falling for you since the moment I saw you, how could I not?” Trace said.

It was unexpected. He was just offering up his truth from seemingly nowhere. The candor of it caught me off guard. Iremembered when Trace said he had been watching me all night at the tavern when we first met. Though our first interactions were not the smoothest, I replayed them often in my head to remind myself of how far we’d come in such little time. How oddly connected I felt to him. Unable to accept the weight of his words, I remained silent.

He half joked, half pleaded, “We could both just run away from our obligations, but there would be consequences.”

“Yes, consequences…” I said, dismayed, thinking of Versa and what would happen to her if I made such a selfish decision.

“Wherever you’re going…I want you to be happy. Don’t wait for me, Cress. Kingsguards’ wives make for lonely widows. Just promise me you’ll go and be happy.”

He had no idea how much I reciprocated that sentiment. I was leaving to Gods-knew-where or what, and I wanted to be mature enough to believe that if I couldn’t have Trace, then I wanted him to be happy as well. I think we knew now was the time for words, because in the morning there would likely be none.

Tomorrow we’d say what we needed to, without words. That night we didn’t sleep. Beneath the stars, surrounded by the sounds of tiny woodland creatures, we made passionate love to one another over and over. It felt different than all the other times before. It felt like goodbye.

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