Page 41 of To No End

Maybe we don’t have to wait another seventy-five years… I know this isn’t what you were expecting, and it’s not what you asked of me. I haven’t stopped thinking of you since you left. Everything feels different for me (now). I know you’re leaving, and I couldn’t bring myself to say all this in person in case you could not return the feelings. I needed to tell you before you left. I’m not asking you to stay, but I need you to know I’d wait for you; just say the word. If by chance you felt something too, send a reply by letter and I’ll come to see you off. But if I do not hear from you, then I will assume you do not return my affections and I wish you safe travels as my true friend, until I see you again.

Yours, Gris

I had been unconsciously holding my breath while reading every word, again and again. I couldn’t have felt any worse. This was exactly what I did not want to happen, and it was all my fault. Perhaps if I wasn’t leaving, I’d have entertained this. If…if I hadn’t met Trace. I was still in shock that Gris had put himself out there like this. This was very uncharacteristic of him. He was too prideful for something like this.

Anytime Gris was seeing someone, I was always the one pushing him to make his feelings known, teasing him that not everyone was going to read his mind just to get to the bottom of his true intentions.

No, this was very unlike him. I wanted to write him back, but only to apologize, tell him the truth, and let him change his sentiment from affection to disappointment; even disgust would be fitting and what I deserved. If he had known how I had used him, how I’d lied, he wouldn’t feel this way. I had already movedon to all-consuming thoughts of another. What I had done was not honorable. He didn’t deserve that.

I spent most of the afternoon deeply saddened in my room trying to decide what to do. There was no making this right without telling him the truth, which I could not do… By early evening, I had decided the best answer was no answer.

Like he said, if he didn’t hear back then he’d assume my feelings weren’t the same. I went to the fireplace in my bedroom, eyes watering, my hand shaking with nervous regret as I dropped the letter into the flames, watching it quickly shrivel and turn to ash.

If I had kept that letter, I might have looked at it every day until I left. I might have changed my resolve and wavered on what needed to be done. The idea of bringing pain to Gris had me spinning out with thoughts of Trace. Was I doing the same thing to him? Would my attractions lead me to an inescapable web? Had the silks already begun weaving?

I had the luxury of walking away from whatever destruction I left behind, they did not. There were times I had myself convinced that I wouldn’t return to Trace, but there was an undeniable pull. It wasn’t just physical. The intrigue ate away at me almost every night.

I wanted to know more about him. He had shared so little, and I could tell there was much more to him. He was always holding back, carefully crafting his responses while trying to come off nonchalant. But it was in the between moments where I saw glimpses of it. A small cracked grin, a tamed laugh, a tightened jaw, a quiet sadness. I was immensely curious to understand the enigma that was Trace.

To get through the days leading up to my return, I reminded myself that it was a choice. I had decided I would meet him as he requested, but I knew I had the freedom to alter my plans. It wasthese small reminders of freedom that brought me a reprieve from the fact that it dwindled with each passing day.

I spent the next two days helping my mother and sister with wedding activities. Cake tasting was one thing I was not disappointed to partake in. My mother kept giving me disapproving looks as I finished off every full piece of cake, which they had only sampled. It’s funny how pleasurable things could be when you didn’t care.

One evening, I joined my father privately in his study. I found it hard to spend time with him, and I think he knew why. The unspoken guilt of what he was about to put me through. The helplessness spanned his every feature, making him appear gaunt. When he saw me enter the room, closing the door behind me, my heart fluttered at the small bit of warmth that returned to his expression.

He spoke cautiously, unsure of himself. I was pained by the uncomfortable energy wafting between us.

“I’m, uh, glad you’ve decided to join me.”

I nodded. “I’ve been very busy, but I’ve missed you.”

I offered him what I could in the way of verbal affection, so that he knew this was not easy on me either. The awkward silence stood between us, making the air seem stale. I struggled to reconcile this foreign sentiment between he and I, all our other encounters having been so warm and effortless.

Remembering how I had been meaning to bring up Mother’s recent treatment of the staff, I mentioned, “Have you noticed how rude Mother has been toward the servants? It’s really unacceptable.”

He sighed before answering. “Your mother has been… Well, she is struggling. She should not be taking it out on the others as she has been, but you must know how hard this is for her.Even if she isn’t open enough to discuss it with you directly. Your mother is not accustomed to being denied what she wants—keeping her daughter.”

I hadn’t realized that maybe her behavior had more to do with losing me than the stresses of the wedding. Since we hadn’t really spoken of the Offering, I had begun to feel like she’d accepted my fate more than either me or my father.

My father could see the contemplation in my expression.

“I don’t think she has felt this powerless since I was kept away during the catastrophe at Erisas Bay. Let her process it all in her own way. Her distance is not directed at you, just as her outbursts toward the staff are not about them.”

“I see your point,” I answered.

“You know, Cress, I had hoped to give you what you wanted. You deserved to see the world. To sail the ocean by my side. I’m so sorry we waited…” He paused. “...We waited too long.”

I rested my head on my hand, sharing that regret. “I know. It’s not your fault, Father.”

He looked over at his desk and shelf, full of books and maps.

“I would have loved for it all to be yours,” he said with a choked smile.

My eyes widened as he continued, “I have always known you weren’t going to choose the life of a High Lady, like your sister. You are wild and untamable. It would have been silly of me to try. You were meant for more, for adventure, just like me.”

My father wasn’t usually long-winded; I did my best to let him speak what was on his mind.

“I don’t have much that brings me peace these days. I suppose I’ve spun a story in my head that you’re headed off into a great adventure, an unknown that not even I have explored. That whatever you’re doing for King Aeon will bring continued peace to all. That my daughter isn’t offered, but chosen.”

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