Page 38 of To No End

“What do you mean? It’s never happened to you, like ever?”

Versa smiled back at me sweetly. “It’s only ever happened when I’m with myself, alone. I taught myself how to control it so that it wouldn’t happen unless I wanted it to. I didn’t think I ever needed to mention it; you may be inexperienced with others, but it’s not like you’ve never been alone with yourself.”

She had an extremely valid point. But all those times I’d never even felt the slightest stir of my wings. My sister’s eyes widened with the same realization.

“Not even on your own? Never?” she said, aghast.

I shook my head. Before I could spend another second wallowing, she was in front of me, squeezing both my shoulders in enthusiasm.

“My Gods, who was this stranger you were with and what did he do to you?”

My sly smile betrayed me.

“Tell me everything,” Versa beseeched me.

My parents were more than happy to see me at dinner that evening. I had to admit, spending all afternoon recounting the details of my and Trace’s time together had done a fair jobof distracting me from the uneasiness I had felt on the return home.

For those few hours in Versa’s room, I embraced the feeling that I could ignore my impending reality and just gossip with my sister like it was any other day. I had felt weightless, but now that the distraction had passed, I couldn’t deny the heavy feeling in my chest that had returned.

The heaviness was more than just these feelings toward Trace. It was the unbearable sadness of being separated from my sister for the rest of my days. It made me hope that my days with the king would be short. Fleeting waves of incapacitating grief continued to flood over me. I didn’t want to live without her—or my parents.

They comprised my entire world. My family, my friends from the academy, and even the staff at the manor. I loved them all. This small piece of the world was mine, and I could feel it slowly cracking all around me. And I knew that in just a few short weeks it was going to completely shatter.

My heart was breaking at the thought of leaving them.

Leaving on a lie.

I was glad Trace had said he didn’t want me to return for a week. It was a built-in excuse to stay close to home. The moment I stopped to pause, breathe, and look around the dinner table at the smiling, jovial faces of my loved ones, I knew that this was where I wanted to be. Everything seemed natural. They ate, laughed, and discussed normal things as if nothing awful was about to tear through this family.

It made me realize that since the horrible news had been delivered to me, I had been moving so fast. Focusing on the list, I hadn’t slowed down to take it all in because I didn’t think I would be able to bear the weight of the truth. But today I was feeling a little bit stronger. I needed to sink myself into this chaotic storm of feelings or I wasn’t going to make it out alive.

I wanted to stop feeling like I was suffocating in this house at every chance of seeing their faces. If I didn’t spend this time committing all the details to memory, then how could I ever expect those memories to carry me forward? Through whatever lay ahead.

After all, by serving as the Offering for the realm, I was serving my family too. That’s what I told myself. I would muster up the courage to leave them so that they would be safe, and, most of all, so that my sister would never feel this indescribable loss that I was now grappling with.

That night I crawled into my bed, noting the incomparable difference to the one from the inn. The cool chill of the bedsheets and the noticeable absence of Trace’s warmth brought back a flood of memories. I felt the heat of the blush coloring my cheeks. I rolled over to pull out the infamous list from my nightstand and crossed through another two items with a smirk.

Lose my maidenhead

Seduce a stranger

Gamble till I win

Get drunk

Alter my appearance

Help someone in need

Get a tattoo

Do something that scares me

Swim naked in the moonslight

Say my goodbyes

(Twenty-five Days Remain)

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