Page 19 of To No End

It was funny to assume any of these people would notice me while going about common things during a common day. It brought me a slight rush of excitement to pretend I was on a mission to go unnoticed, almost like a spy.

At dinner, I intentionally donned a canary-yellow diamond necklace that I had received as a gift one year during the Winter Solstice. I wore it because the diamonds, albeit stunning, were small and understated. Maybe I was playing with fire to bring attention to the family jewels after spending the day selling a small fortune, but I also knew that I had an excuse in my back pocket.

Dinner was small talk, as usual. Mother and Father were on board with the dress swap idea and had now moved on to bickering with Versa about floral selections. Gods, was I happy to not be planning a wedding for myself. Not that being shipped off to the king sounded any more appealing, but I had to tell myself that I’d rather take this fate than spend my day debating flowers that would wither and die in an evening. I tried not to take it personally that Mother and I had spoken very little since the secret news of my departure. This, along with the wedding, created a distance between us—and everyone else for that matter. Even the staff, typically in her good graces, had been reprimanded for the tiniest of infractions lately.

I had spent all day up close and personal with the injustices of this cruel world, and now I grappled with the fact that what I’d done hadn’t even made a dent in how we should have been helping our people all along.

I stuffed my mouth with honey-glazed roast and practically burst at the seams of my trousers. Versa eagerly pulled me aside,begging for details on if I had revisited Gris. I hated hearing his name and being reminded of everything I was trying desperately to ignore. Repeating to myself over and over that he was just a means to an end. To her disappointment, I confirmed that I had not seen Gris again and currently didn’t intend to.

I cupped my hands around my bloated lower belly, regretting how I had gorged myself. I hadn’t eaten all day during my very important mission, and now I was paying for overeating. I gave Versa a look and then glanced down at my stomach. If you didn’t know better, you’d have guessed I’d been with child for nearly five months.

I wanted to lie down. I was exhausted from walking all day and remaining cloaked in the unbearable heat. Oh, how I longed for autumn.

I retired to my room, less than gracefully plopping down on the bed fully clothed, searching for the energy to disrobe. I rolled over on my side, once more reaching for the book where my tiny list was hidden. I reviewed the remaining items after checking off today’s activity. I had helped more than one person in need. And, if I’m being honest, I could spend the rest of my time left giving away all the wealth I had access to, and it would still feel like I wasn’t doing enough.

This hollow feeling was a new one to navigate, and I slowly drifted off to sleep with the somber memory of the day and all the unfair hardship I had witnessed.

Lose my maidenhead

Seduce a stranger

Gamble till I win

Get drunk

Alter my appearance

Help someone in need

Get a tattoo

Do something that scares me

Swim naked in the moonslight

Say my goodbyes

CHAPTER

7

The next morning brought with it cooler temperatures as the forest was blanketed with dense fog, making the grass slick. Glancing out my window, I tried to see beyond our lands but couldn’t make out much. I welcomed this type of weather. I awoke, still feeling a bit melancholy from the day before. I wanted to tuck away this shame and instead replace it with numbness; find some way to ignore the fact that my family and I remained untouched by the harsh realities of village life.

We oversaw the territory on behalf of the king. Beneath the veneer of that honorable duty, I was just now seeing the layers of hypocrisy and apathy. I didn’t want to confront the thought of just how spoiled we were. Why should anyone go hungry at all? Why should a drawer full of jewels collect dust while small Fae children have hungry bellies?

Between my education and isolation at home, it seemed like all they wanted us to be good at was looking away and ignoring problems instead of solving them. When Father spoke of his travels, he rarely mentioned people suffering or blighted lands.He focused on the exciting things, like the riches and the beautiful sights. I understood that the generations before us had suffered hundreds of years of instability and bloodshed during wartime, and now they wanted to leave their troubles in the past. Professors liked to say the land and its people were healed, but that’s not entirely true. People are still recovering; plenty are still suffering.

I dressed quickly and apathetically. Haphazardly throwing on a few layers, just comfortable clothes for riding. I tied my hair back into a loose braid to help keep my locks out of my face. I grabbed an entire coin purse filled with plenty of Lorcs and tied it to the inside of my lightweight cloak. Today, I didn’t entirely have a destination in mind, but I knew I’d find a way to check something off the list and lift my spirits.

When I ran into Father in the hallway, he gave me an approving nod and informed me that Versa and my mother had already left earlier in the carriage. They were both attending a dress fitting, and I tried to ignore the stinging reminder that I didn’t need one. He looked at me knowingly as I lowered my eyes in quiet sadness.

“Where are you headed?” he asked curiously, quickly changing the subject. Before I could answer, he continued, “We could always find something to do together…” he trailed off, as if pleading for more time with me.

I didn’t mean to come off as dismissive to my father, it was just that I wanted to be alone. “I’m going riding.”

Before he could offer to join, I added, “Alone. I’m sorry. I just feel like being alone.”

He put his hand on my shoulder, pulling me into him a little and giving me a gentle peck on the top of my head. “I understand. Please be safe.”

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