Page 21 of Fall For You

I roll my eyes at them both and say, “Just take my word for it, all right?” And then, shortly thereafter, our food arrives, and the subject gets dropped.

The thing is,I don’t really blame my brothers for their attitudes towards Jo—I blame myself. Because everything that happened really was my fault…

I must have had rocks in my head to have ever imagined that Jo and I could somehow keep the news of our fake marriage from getting back to my folks. It was only a matter of time before people they barely knew were stopping them on the street to congratulate them. And then the cat was well and truly out of the bag.

And of course, once they found out, they immediately called Ms. Vi to inform her as well. Then the three of them sat us down in my parents’ living room and demanded to know what we were thinking and what our plans were for the future.

“I don’t understand,” my mother kept saying. “Is there a baby on the way? Is that why?”

“What? No!” I stared at her in alarm. Jo blushed and glanced away. She and I weren’t even sleeping together at that point.

“But then, if you’re not even planning on living together until Jo’s finished with school; so why wouldn’t you wait until then to marry? What if one of you changes your mind between now and then? Or what if youdoget pregnant in the meantime? How are you ever going to support a family if neither of you has a degree?”

“That isnotgonna happen,” I insisted, possibly a little too vehemently. Jo’s blush deepened. She looked close to tears. My anger with my parents grew more intense. It was easier to hate them for putting her through this than it was to admit that I was to blame. If I hadn’t come up with the idea or talked her into it, none of this would have been happening.

But speaking of degrees, it was damn lucky that I’d already decided not to return to school to get one, because my dad was adamant in his refusal to pay for me to continue my education; insisting that if I thought I was old enough to start a family, I was certainly old enough to start earning a living. Never mind that the “family” in question was just me and Jo, or that Ms. Vi was equally adamant that she would continue to support Jo for as long as she was in school—or even longer, if needed.

I’d always suspected that part of the reason Jo’s aunt was so unflustered was because she saw through the lies, knew exactly what was going on, and wasn’t overly worried about things that were unlikely to happen. It felt good; like we had at least one ally. But maybe I was wrong.

Maybe she just knew Jo better than I did. Maybe she could tell that her niece wasn’t actually in love with me; and she figured it was only a matter of time before we split. Which is ironic, considering that now she thinks we’re married for real.

Jo felt bad about causing strife between me and my parents, even though I tried to tell her that was not the case. All this had done was expose the cracks that were already there. She offered to tell them the truth, even suggested that she should take the blame and say it had all been her idea, but I wasn’t having it. I was pretty sure that would have just made things worse.

For one thing, I thought the only explanation my parents would have hated more than, “we’re in love and we didn’t want to wait for another four years,” was “we’re committing fraud, lying to the entire town, and making a mockery of marriage just so that Jo and I can get drunk together.”

For another, I wasangry. This was my life—not theirs. And if this was how they were going to act? Then I did not feel inclined to ease their minds.

They could have been more supportive, if they’d wanted to. It’s not like I was asking them for help, or advice, or money—oranything, really. Hell, I was even paying part of my wages to rent the trailer. Which, given that it wasn’t costing them anything for me to stay there, was pretty bogus as well.

Even if they doubted my ability to make good choices, I thought they should at least have respected the fact that, as an adult, I had a right to make whatever decision I wanted to, even the ones they didn’t agree with…

But,that’s all water under the bridge. It’s old news. And, like I told my brothers, what’s done is done. There’s no point now in wishing I’d done things differently. Thankfully, the rest of breakfast passes uneventfully. We move on to discussing other business—what crops Camp expects to be planting this years, what new suppliers, and vendors he’s trying out. What Cash’s summer schedule is looking like, and whether or not he should trade in his old truck now, before things get busy in the spring.

But, even though we’re no longer talking about me and Jo, I still feel antsy with residual stress. Before breakfast is even over, I’m conscious of an urgent need to touch base with Jo. And by the time my brothers are walking out the door, I’m already reaching for my phone, and sending a text:

When can I see you again?

Jocelyn

My thoughts area chaotic mess as I leave Carter’s place and head up Main Street. The decision to jump back into bed withhim again was clearly a mistake—or possibly one of the best ideas I’ve ever had. Or maybe both.

I don’t love being his dirty little secret, but is being in a relationship (and pretending that we’re not) really all that different from pretending to be married while still remaining friends? My body doesn’t seem to think so. And, as for my heart, I’m not sure it can even tell the difference.

Apparently, they both want what they want, and unfortunately for me, all they really want is Carter.

What qualifies it a mistake is the fact that I can no longer lie to myself about how I’m feeling. I can’t pretend anymore that what we had didn’t matter, thathedidn’t matter. That I’ve moved on, that I’m over him.

I’m not sure that I’ll ever be over him. Which is not to say that I can’t live without him—I can, I have, I’m sure I will again. But he was a big part of my life for so freaking long. There’s a piece of my heart that will always belong to him. And that’s just how things are.

The good idea part is the way he makes me feel—maybe not in the moment that he’s hustling me out the back, shoving me out the door when no one’s looking; that part legit sucks.

But, in general, he makes me feel comforted and cared for in a way that no one else ever has. And I need that now. Confronted with the wreckage of my life, concerned with my aunt’s condition—yes, it’s only been a couple of weeks, but there’s beennonoticeable improvement—I need to feel like there’s someone in my corner. A teammate. A friend. A partner in crime. And Carter fills that role so naturally, so generously, so perfectly. Just like he always did.

And yes, the sex is really, really good, as well. As good as I remembered it. Better than it’s ever been with anyone else, either before or since. Call it chemistry, call it history, call it fate, or call it sheer, dumb luck—whatever the reason, the two of usjust fit. We click. We vibe with one another. I don’t believe in soul mates, but if I did, I couldn’t imagine anyone other than Carter filling that role for me either.

I’m really gonna miss him when I go.

I lose my footing when the thought hits—so hard that it steals my breath, as well. I almost trip and fall and have to grab the nearest lamppost to stay erect. And yes, that might be partly due to the cracks in the ancient sidewalk, but mostly it’s because it’s true. It’s so true. Iamgoing to miss him. And Iwillhave to leave—probably not as soon as I’d originally thought I would, but eventually. And it sucks. Because…because I’m no longer the same person I was at twenty-two, eager to get out and see the world, to make her mark upon it.

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