Page 29 of Fall For You

I want to deny it, but I can’t. So, I shrug and say nothing. This time, when she pulls away, I have no choice but to let her go.

“So. I guess that’s it then.” She takes a step back and jams her hands into her pockets. She’s breathing too fast and blinking back tears; but all the same, she fixes a smile on her lips and says, “I guess we’ll just…write it off, give it up as a lost cause. Or, you know, something like that.”

I frown as I mentally review the last few minutes of our conversation. What in the hell are we talking about? I feel like I missed a step somewhere along the way. I’m not sure how we got onto the subject of lost causes, but I know I can’t leave it there. A lost cause was how everyone in Heartwood used to view me, before Jo and Vi took me in. I remember how that felt and Ican’tbe the reason someone else feels that way. I especially can’t do it when that person is her.

And I know it’s not the best way to ask for what I need, but I’m triggered. The words tumble out of my mouth, sounding harsh and angry. “What do you want from me, Jo?”

She blinks, and for a moment, I’m not sure she’s going to answer. But she takes a quick breath and says, “I just told you, didn’t I? I’d like the chance to… to be a better person, a better partner. To try again… And maybe… Maybe this time I could not fuck things up?”

I take a breath and let it out. I want to sayyes. Of course, we can. Because Ialwayswant to say yes to Jo—no matter what the question is. But, in this case… I’m not sure I can. I’m not sure my heart can take it.

My parents weren’thappy when I told them that Jo and I had made the decision to move to California, but I’d made my choice, and I wasn’t backing down. The night before we were set to leave, Jo decided she should spend the night with Vi—to pack up her stuff and say good-bye. And I accepted an invitation to join my parents for dinner.

I was relieved to be going there on my own. I suspected my parents would make a last-ditch effort to change my mind, and I really didn’t want Jo to have to deal with that.

My mom was just finishing up in the kitchen when I got to their house. My siblings were milling about. None of us thought it was strange that my father was still out in the barn, that he hadn’t come in yet, or that he wasn’t answering his phone. He always had to keep busy, always had to be doing something, frequently lost track of time, and categorically refused to accept the fact (though it was obvious to everyone) that, thanks to a lifetime of dealing with noisy machinery, his hearing had absolutely diminished.

I volunteered to track him down, which turned out not to be that hard at all. He was in the first barn I looked in, unconscious on the floor.

I immediately called 911. I set my phone to speaker. I put it down on the floor beside me, because I needed my hands free to do CPR. And then I forgot it there. It lay on the floor of the barn for days while my family and I were at the hospital. And yes, I’m sure I could have borrowed someone else’s phone, or asked one of my siblings if they could call Jo for me. But I didn’t.

There was no doubt in anyone’s mind that my father’s heart attack was due to stress. And there was no doubt inmymind that a big part of that stress was due to my obsessive need to always go against his wishes.

And yes, I know I was overreacting. I know my thought processes were irrational. But there was no way that I could have left Heartwood at that point. My family needed me. And I needed to not let them down again.

I spent hours rehearsing what I was going to say to Jo when I saw her. I was sure she’d volunteer to stay, to try and stick it out here, for my sake. But a dream differed is all too often a dream denied. And I wanted more for her than that.

Of course, when I learned she’d already left town, without even bothering to say goodbye, it all hit a little different. I’d spent hours agonizing over my decision to let her go—for her sake. Meanwhile, she hadn’t even waited around to find out where I was, what I was doing, whether or not I was even alive…

“I don’t thinkI can go through that again,” I say, not even realizing that I’ve spoken aloud until I see the look on Jo’s face. And by then, of course, it’s too late to take them back. “Look, Jo, I?—"

“No,” she says quickly, stopping me. “It’s okay. I get it. I shouldn’t have asked.”

“That’s not it, either,” I say. I’m actually glad she asked. It gives me a reason to hope that maybe, just maybe, we can work things out. I just don’t know how to get there yet. “Maybe we should sleep on it,” I suggest. “We can talk about it tomorrow, okay?”

“Yes.” Jo nods, a little too eagerly. “Of course. Good idea.” Her voice is brittle, her tone is clipped, her body language screams avoidance. And that faint sense of hope, the one I was just congratulating myself on feeling dissipates into nothingness If I were a betting man, right now I’d be putting good money on her being gone by morning. And there’s not a damn thing I can do to stop her.

My instinct is to grab her, to hold her, to make her promise not to go. But that’s not fair to either of us. So, I just lean in and press a kiss on her cheek. “Bye, Jo,” I tell her. “Take care of yourself.” Then I turn around and make myself leave.

I consider it a major fucking accomplishment that I’m able to make it all the way home before I fall apart.

Jocelyn

The door swingsshut behind Carter, firm and final. But not loud. He doesn’t slam it shut. Of course he doesn’t. This is Carter; he would never. Not when he knows Vi is upstairs, asleep.

And knowing that, knowing who he is, how wonderful he can be, just makes me more desperate to run after him, to change his mind. But I can’t. I’m frozen in place, unable to move, just stuck here, listening and listening, to the sound of his steps as they cross the porch and then the gravel of the drive. Listening to the sound of his car door as it opens and closes. To the hum of his engine turning over. Then it’s wheels on gravel and a soft, persistent whine disappearing into the distance.

Only then, when even the neighbors’ dogs have fallen silent once again, do I realize that I’m shaking, that the panic that has never yet failed to seize me whenever I’ve been abandoned, or whenever I think I’m about to be, has struck again.

You need to go, my lizard brain insists.It’s not safe here. Run.

I can’t,I remind myself.I have obligations, responsibilities; people are counting on me to stay.The thought is surprisingly calming. I have people. I’m not alone.If I hadn’t sent the nurse home, then maybe I could leave. But I can’t now. I’m just going to have to wait until morning.

Fine!the lizard snarls with feral fury. But at least you can pack your bags. You can get your stuff together. Maybe even grab a quick nap. That way you’ll be ready to go as soon as the next nurse gets here.

Except…except I can’t do that either. I can’t abandon Vi when she needs me. I can’t go back on my word to Carter. I couldn’t live with myself if I did either of those things. And…and I don’t even want to! I want to stay here. I need to stay here.

But…

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