Page 23 of Be My Salvation

Sammy.The name instantly breaks through my happiness, and it’s as if a bucket of freezing cold water is deluged on top of me. Instantly, my chest begins to feel tight, and I release Zeke from my touch, wrapping my arms around myself to stave off the pain that is assaulting me.

“I heard about your joy at being Ezekiel’s wife, and the spawn you carry inside of you, and the message you sent telling them to discard me, that I was worthless now to you. They showed it to me in between ripping me apart, and filling my veins with poison.”

How am I going to convince him that none of that was true? That I never betrayed him. How do I force him to come to grips with the fact that he was tortured needlessly? That he gave up hope, and on me, and believed the lies spewed by a monster. How do I tell him he tried to end my life, while I held fast to the vows we made to each other? That I never had a moment where I stopped loving him, and even though he’s hurt me and tried to kill me, I still love him. How do I move on if he refuses to?

Chapter thirty-three

The Rebel

Sarah

Ipace back and forth, my hands fisted at my sides, and a headache strumming along my temples. I’ve been waiting for hours, and it’s made my anxiety rise to the point that every single noise is spooking me, and has me staring at shadows as if, at any moment, demons will escape and attack me. The problem is, all the demons are stuck inside of my mind and heart. I am the danger to myself and everyone around me, it seems. The minute I hear the sound of the secret passageway moving, I turn in that direction, and my heart’s erratic beat sounds in my ears, muting all other sounds.My first love, my only love.My savior and salvation. My curse.How I have missed him, like a piece of me was torn away, and waiting in the harsh wind to be reunited with me. This long-awaited reunion, however, is not how I pictured it. Instead of the joy of seeing him safe, alive, and healthy, it only brings trepidation. “I don’t think I can do this. I am not sure I can go through with our plan.”

He moves closer and closer to me, a coiled snake ready to attack at the slightest hint of defiance, and my guard goes up, awaiting with fear what he will do next. “Nonsense, my dove, you’re just having a momentary attack of conscience. It’s understandable. After all, you are a good, godly woman, and she was the little girl you always wished to have.” I can’t dispute his words; he’s right. Every time I looked at Dinah when she was a little girl, I pictured her as mine, not Maria’s. That envy festered inside of me, poisoning my relationship with Dinah’s mother,who never deserved it. She was a kind soul, equally as trapped as I was, by her name, wealthy and powerful family, and position. We were the revered and sacred women of the Brotherhood, or at least that’s what they made it seem to the general populace. The truth is much more sinister and unforgiving, much like my heart now. We never realized the sacrifices we would have to bear for the Order. The cost was too high, and we should have just allowed the world to burn in another war. They would have never managed to control the world if we had not cowered at their feet. There was strength in being a woman once, long ago. Perhaps we will see a day when that will be possible again. That’s what I am working tirelessly towards, freedom for all my sisters.

Dinah Camrose brought such light to my life, in one of my darkest periods, and I held on to that, to make it through everything that I was enduring. That spirited little girl with the charming, bright laugh, and mischievous gray stormy eyes. Eyes I have always loved, ones that have always melted through all of my restraints and reservations, and always could convince me to do anything, even turn against those I love the most. “What about Abraham? I will lose him. He won’t ever forgive me. He will try to kill me, and if he doesn’t, Ezekiel will.” A shudder races down my spine at the thought of how cold and ruthless Ezekiel is, much like his worthless father.

“We’ve spoken about this, Sarah.” His arms circle my shoulders, pulling me into his hard chest. His scent of myrrh envelops me, and instantly calms my racing heart.Home, that’s what he has always felt like to me, even though we have spent more of the last twenty-plus years apart than together. “Sacrifices must be made for the world to survive. They all must die. We can’t leave any of them alive to avenge their lovers. I am sorry, my dove, I know how that hurts you, it hurts me too, but there is no way around it. It is for the good of all.” Somehow, his words don’t bring me the same certainty as they usually do.I pull back from his embrace, running my hands over his pale cheeks, allowing myself to enjoy the feel of his skin.Mine.He will finally be mine, and I won’t have to hide my love, or be in the shadows anymore. We can be together for the rest of our lives, with no one between us.

Everything I have done has been for this man, even though it will end up costing me everything, perhaps even my own life. I spent years being abused at the hands of Peter Mercier, a monster, awaiting his promises to love me forever. When he chose a bride other than me, he convinced me that it was temporary, and only so he could achieve his goal of ultimate power, that he didn’t truly love her. He said he would release me from the bonds tied around me, like impenetrable chains, that made me Peter’s property. I gave birth to a son that should have been his, instead of that monster’s. I watched as the world around me became more and more ominous, and imprisoned my fellow sisters around me. He promises me glory, power, love, and adoration. He promises me a woman’s world, one where I would never have to cower again in fear. The only thing I have to do is betray a daughter of the empire, the child of my heart, and lead her to her death.

Anger begins to rise inside of me at his words, the ones I can no longer detect the sincerity in. “How can you be so aloof about the blood on both our hands? Dinah and Abe are not just anyone. Do you care nothing for her? Do you even care about me, or am I as easily disposed of?” I know that I am pushing him, backing him into a corner, and he has warned me in the past about how much he dislikes that. His hand reaches up and grabs my wrist, yanking me forward and twisting it behind my back, as he steps away from me and gives me a menacing look. It’s so cold and frightening that a shiver races down my spine. “Kneel, Sarah, and beg my forgiveness. You have overstepped, my dove, and I cannot allow such insolence to go unanswered.”With tears sliding down my face, I kneel before him. Bringing my forehead to the ground before his booted feet in absolution. My whole body trembles, with the memories of punishments of the past when I dared not follow his instructions, or reached for too much of him that he was not willing to give me. One of the worst memories pops into my mind, despite my desperation to push it back out, and I have to swallow the sobs that are choking me.

“You have disobeyed me, Sarah, and you must atone and beg for my forgiveness. I am your lord, your master, your whole world. I am the reason you still draw breath.” His anger is horrific, distorting his handsome features into something almost demonic. I’ve never felt such fear as I’m experiencing at this moment. Not even Peter, and his twisted, depraved needs, have caused my heart to shatter the way disappointing him does. “Please, I beg your forgiveness. I have sinned and deserve to be punished. Please don’t abandon me.” Tears slide down my face as I stare up into his, knowing there will be no turning back now. Courage, I urge myself, it’s the only way we survive and keep him. We can’t lose him, not after everything we have endured.

“Your punishment will be to lose the one thing you desire above all else. Perhaps even more than me. Take the blade, Sarah.” He hands me a golden gilded blade, encrusted with sapphires. My hand trembles as I take it from his long, sure fingers as he stares down at me, with no evidence of remorse on his features at what he is about to make me do. My mind races with thoughts that I should get up, and run as far away as possible from him. I should yell for help, and hope someone other than his followers hear me. My heart screams that this is not love; it’s a sickness, but I know I will never leave him. The truth is, I can’t imagine not having him as a part of my life in any way I can get him. Even if it’s like this in theshadows, stolen moments that could lead to both our deaths. Disappointing him hurts me more than it does him, even though I realize that is not rational. “You love me, don’t you, Sarah?” A look of tenderness crosses his features, as his hand reaches out and soothingly strokes my hair. The kind gesture soothes all the hackles inside of me, filled with self-doubt. “You know I do... I have... sacrificed everything for you,” I mumble with misery.

“Not everything, my sweet dove. You need to prove to me how strong your love is for me. Show me that you love me more than your own life. Take away the one thing you desire above all else, Sarah.” He tightens my fingers around the handle of the blade, and points the sharp end at my uterus, where little butterfly wings flutter. “Please don’t make me do this,” my sobs are so loud that they drown out all the other sounds, including the sound of what remains of my sanity shattering.

“Prove to me you deserve my love and devotion, my dove. If you can’t, then I will know that you are false, and never truly loved me. We will be finished, and I will never look upon you again.” He pushes the tip of the blade through my clothes, until it pierces my skin, and a whimper leaves my lips at the pain that I know is about to be so much worse. “What... what if I... die?” I question, grasping at anything to stop the horrendous action he is asking, as proof of my undying love. I can’t do this. I can’t allow this to happen, but I also can’t lose him. There is no me anymore without him. “Then I will know you truly loved me, with all of your heart and soul, and we will be reunited in peace in the next life, and all the ones that come after that.”

A buzzing begins in my mind, and I feel my limbs loosen. My heartbeat slows from its erratic tempo to a calming rhythm, reassuring me that what I am doing is right and just. I have sinned against him, betrayed him in my thoughts and heart, and allowed doubt to creep in, and that must be recompensedfor. “Forgive me my sins, my love.” I push the blade further, until a few inches are buried within my body, and the pain is ripping me apart. The intense look in his eyes, as they sear into mine, tells me that it’s not enough, that I am not enough. I will never be good enough, no matter what I do, and how hard I try. He will always find me lacking and less than. I force a deep breath inside of my lungs, as I compel both of my hands to grasp the blade tightly, and I slam it the last few remaining inches. When only the handle remains visible, protruding from my skin, I release my hold on the blade with a scream. The pain is unbearable, causing my body to fall sideways to the floor with a sickening thud. He squats down before me, wiping away the tears on my face, as my belly contracts painfully and blood pools all around me. “There, my dove, your sacrifice is accepted, and you are forgiven. I will have someone tend to you now, and you will survive, for I have need of you, and I can’t live without you. You are my true love, my sweet, and soon we will never be apart.”

That moment was the lowest of my life. Nothing Peter could put me through, for the next few years, could even compare to being forced to murder my unborn daughter. He left me on the ground in a pool of my blood, and sent one of his trusted minions to come and save me. I had to lie to Peter, and tell him that I miscarried the child I carried. The child which never belonged to Peter, and that could have led to him realizing I had backstabbed him when she was born. The damage I did with the blade was irreparable, so I didn’t just serve one punishment, but a lifetime of them, without being able to have any more children. Dinah became the daughter I lost in my mind; it’s how I coped, and continued breathing. She and Abe were my lifelines, and now he wants me to cut that cord as if it, too, never meant anything. “Forgive my trespasses, my love. I have blasphemed against you. Please allow me to show you that my heart istrue, and only beats for you. I will do everything you require. I promise and swear that you own my body, heart, mind, and soul.”

His heavy breathing reaches my ears, and when I dare to lift my eyes from the ground, I meet his stormy eyes and watch, as he palms his hard cock. My misery, servitude, and relinquishing of control, turns him on like it always has. There is something inside of me that takes pleasure in knowing he wants me as much as I want him. Despite my weak and flawed character, he loves me, even though I am irrevocably broken. All I see when I look in the mirror is a monster, with graves filled with skeletons of my sins, but he sees something worthy of him. I want to stand at his side, and be his forever. I have waited a long lifetime filled with pain, and now it is my time. I am so close. All I have to do is follow the plan, and everything will be well.

I would be doing the world a favor, ridding it of all four of those deadly corrupt monsters. I know there is no redemption for them. Dinah is a bloodthirsty psychopath, and she will keep killing, even when the world is finally at peace. My son and his lover are no better; he was born of sin, and with Peter’s genes. I have to make sure I end that bloodline once and for all.He won’t be the first child of yours that you murder. At least this time, you’ll get to be a queen on a throne, rather than cast aside for years for your sins,my mind snarks. Ezekiel deserves to die just as much as Abe does. His hands are filthy with the blood of women who served the Brotherhood faithfully, women like me, and Maria. Samuel Wendover could have been the exception. His heart is pure, and all he wanted was to love his Nightstar, but he will never stop trying to kill us to avenge her. I have to protect my own love at all costs.

“Rise, my little dove. Remove your clothing, and allow me to worship you like you deserve.” I rise unsteadily from the floor, and quickly remove my various pieces of weaponry and clothing.The last item I remove is the sapphire-encrusted blade that has been with me for years. The reminder that sinning against him costs me more than I can ever bear. My hand tightens on its handle, and the thought quickly crosses my mind that I could end this right here, I could stab him, and none would be any wiser of my sins, or plans to betray Dinah and her men, and the rebels I fight alongside. “Come, my love, lie on your back and welcome me back to your body.” My eyes close, as the courage to do what I know is right leaves me, like it always does, when confronted with losing him. I am too weak, have always been where he’s concerned, and it seems I never will be able to be free of his control. I trail the blade down past the dark scar that mars my flesh, and drop it to the ground with a clang.

“Yes, Francis.”

Chapter thirty-four

The Sinner

Dinah

“Dinah, I think you should really reconsider. He’s volatile and delusional. He could hurt you again, and you could have another fucking panic attack,” Abe growls, as he grips my forearm and forces me to meet his gaze. I can see his anxiety, and how much my stubbornness on this subject is angering him, yet even knowing that I am hurting my berserker, I refuse to back down. Once and for all, I need to know if there is no hope, and then I will have to decide if I allow myself to crumble into ash, or survive the impossible, a life without Sammy in it. “I’ve already tried to talk her out of it, Abe, but it’s no fucking use. She won’t listen, and she also refuses to see what is right in front of her. He needs to die.” My glare turns on Zeke, who dares to stare back at me, tempting me to lash out with violence in his direction.

“I have heard both of your concerns,” I raise my hand to stop their words, “and your fears. I understand that I am putting myself at risk. I understand that there may be no coming back for Sammy, but I have to know for sure. You can’t demand that I discard him, like an old shoe that no longer suits my purposes. That is exactly what Noah is accusing me of, and what Sammy has been conditioned to believe is true, despite my love for him.”

“Atasi!” Abe snarls, but I’m done listening. There is nothing, and no one, that is going to stop me. I yank my arm away from his tight hold, gritting my teeth when he immediately attempts to reclaim it. “Don’t, Abe. You may think you own me, and Iallow it here and there, but do not mistake me for your property. I am my own person, and my choices are mine to make.”

“FUCK! YOU ARE SO UNREASONABLE AND STUBBORN, ATASI!” He slams his fist into a wall, and I cringe when I realize it’s his casted hand.Damn, lunatic!“You’re going to get yourself killed, and us right along with you! Dammit to hell, woman!” He yells and storms out of the room, the door slamming hard in his wake.Well, shit.A part of me wants desperately to go after him, to tell him that he’s wrong, but he’s not. Following my lead has almost ended their lives more times than I care to count. If they were both sane, they would run as far away from me as possible. Lucky for me, insanity seems to run in this band of merry deranged fuckers. Zeke’s arms wrap around me from behind, his chin resting on the top of my head, as he takes deep lungfuls of my scent. “He’s just scared, Snow, I am too. Neither of us wants to lose you.”

The sincerity and emotion in his words pour into me, and I wish I could stay here forever, safe in the circle of his strength and warmth, but I can’t. I have to put my psycho bitch panties on, and go deal with a man intent on ending my life, one of many, it seems. I pull away with regret and straighten my spine. Without a backward glance at the husband who loves me, I walk out of the room we are in and down the hall, to where Sarah has placed Sammy under lock and key. “Open the door,” I demand of the wary guard, who looks at me as if I were a poisonous insect ready to sting him. I turn and glare at everyone in the hallway standing on guard, and finally, I meet Zeke’s gemstone eyes. “No one comes in after me.No one,“ I repeat, making myself abundantly clear, with the threat laced in my voice. I stand before the guard and reach forward, unstrapping the gun on his chest, as he flinches as if my mere touch burns him. I check that it’s fully loaded and slip it into the back of my pants, hidden by Abe’s shirt, which I am wearing.

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