Page 21 of Be My Salvation

“Close your eyes,” I demand, my voice gruff and filled with emotions I can’t disguise. He glances at me from the corner of his frightened eye, and I see the mistrust. He thinks I might hurt him, like the others have, and like both Zeke and I have threatened to do. I attempt to soften my harsh tone, “I won’t hurt you, Sammy. I am trying to help you fight the new demons that are following you in the dark, so that you can come back to your Nightstar. I know you don’t trust me, and you have every right to feel that way, but trust that I love her too.” The silence in the room is deafening, each of us is holding our breaths, as we watch and wait to see if Sammy can, and will, comply.

A few tense minutes go by in deep silence, and I’m just about ready to give up, not knowing what else to do to help him, and fearing that he will continue to be a threat to her, when his dark blue eyes close, and a shuddering breath leaves his lips. The sound is so pitiful that it hurts me to hear it. “Okay, good. Don’t move, take a deep breath, and with your eyes closed, tell me a memory you have of Dinah. One that you clung to, to keep yourself alive.” There is a certainty inside of me that she is what kept him from surrendering to death. I am so sure of it, that I am betting all of our lives and futures together on it. At first, no sound escapes him, and I begin to fret that I have failed at my task before we have even commenced, and I may have to kill him. Perhaps he’s too far gone, his mind lost to the ravages of what has been done to him.

Then, slowly, the words begin to leave his strained lips, so low that I can barely hear him, and I’m right next to him. Hope blooms in my chest, filling the cavern that I reserve only for Zeke and Dinah. “She... she, ummm, liked the wildflowers... that grewin the fields... outside of... of our house,” his voice gets stronger with every word, as if the image is playing out in his mind, and providing him with comfort. “She... would run through them and lose herself in their beauty, and heady, floral scent. Often, I... I would go looking for her after she was missing for hours, and... and find her lying on the hard ground, surrounded by wildflowers, butterflies, and honey bees. She always seemed... like a pretty dark-haired fairy, like one from books long ago she made me read. The sun would shine as if it... radiated from inside of her, and she glowed.” He takes a deep breath and pushes his head away from the wall, but his hands are still clenched at his sides. “When her stunning blue-gray eyes would meet mine... fuck, I was... lost. She could have asked anything of me, and I would have refused her nothing.”

A shifting sound has me tearing my eyes away from the broken man before me, who is courageously attempting to find his way back to the woman he loves, back to the light, and out of the darkness. I meet Dinah’s eyes as crystal tears pour down her cheeks. She bites so hard on her bottom lip to stifle her cries, and not pull Sammy out of the safe place he’s in, inside of his mind, that she draws blood. “Keep going. Tell me what you see. What is she wearing in that image?”

“She... had this pale blue, long flowery dress with pockets, that we found at one of the swaps. She loved it so much and wore it all the time, and it was fraying, but she refused to part with it. Her long, dark hair was in one of her thick braids, tied with a yellow ribbon, but strands had escaped, and surrounded her glowing face.” His body releases some of its tension, and his shoulders lose their rigidity. “She had a butterfly perched on her finger. It was one of the pretty reddish-orange ones with white spots, and she was whispering to it, telling it how beautiful it was. All I could think was that she was describing herself. She told it that she longed to be free, that she wished she could fly away withme, and leave behind the Brotherhood, and the expectation of being a sacred wife and daughter. She turned to me and asked me, if we were free, would I marry her?”

He rubs the palm of his bruised hand across his face, a small smile crossing his stern lips. I’m being entirely sucked into his story, my mind conjuring up the image of my Atasi that he’s painting. “I didn’t know what to say at first. I was a lowly guard assigned to ensure her safety, and there was nothing I could offer her. No real way to give her the life that she dreamed of, plus she was already betrothed to Ezekiel, and I feared every single day that he would show up and take her away from me. She wasn’t a naive girl. She was turning twenty, and she knew sooner or later the Brotherhood would come for her.Youwould come for her.“ He releases a pent-up sigh filled with longing and frustration, the sound hitting me hard as I feel his fear. The fear of losing the woman he loved to us, to a society with absurd rules and expectations, and one he knew would harm the love of his life, belittle her and misuse her, until there was nothing left of her.

“What did you tell her, Sammy? Did you promise her that you would keep her safe?” I’m genuinely curious about his answer. Did he promise her that no harm would come to her, that he would free her from the constraints of the Brotherhood of the Sacrament, knowing full well how impossible that task would be? A pang of jealousy ignites inside of me, at the knowledge that she asked him to marry her, that she wanted a life with him, before Zeke and I returned to play a part in her life. Could they have been happy together if they had managed to escape the Order?I believe they would have.Would Zeke and I have even realized what we were missing? A part of me always felt empty and lacking. It was as if a missing piece had disappeared from me without my recognition. At first, I thought it was the grief of losing Gabriel, but more and more, I realize that feeling beganthe minute Dinah was taken away from us, when her father was put on trial for crimes against the Brotherhood. It was always her, my precious little blue flower, my Atasi, that was missing.

“I... I...” Sammy can’t seem to get the words out, and his Adam’s apple bobs up and down, as he attempts to control his emotions. His hands are fisted so tightly that all of his knuckles are white. A fine sheen of perspiration is spreading on his forehead, and trickling down the side of his face, and I start to fear that I’ve pushed him too hard, too quickly. I don’t want him to shut down entirely once again. Fuck, maybe I should stop this, even suggest that we try again once he’s regained some of his composure. The thoughts are so foreign to me that it has the words stalling in my mouth.

“He told me he would marry me in this lifetime, and all of the rest. That in no lifetime would he be parted from me, and that I would always be his. His Nightstar, a part of the sky and his heart. That I was the love of his life for eternity. That he loved me more than he had ever loved anything or anyone,” Dinah’s soft voice breaks through my thoughts, and the heavy silence in the room causes both of us to turn in her direction. She raises her tear-stained and anguish-filled face, allowing us to see how all of this is hurting her. “You lied, didn’t you, Sammy? All you want is my death now?”

Chapter thirty

The Sinner

Dinah

He’s broken.Not just in a small way, but in a way that I fear I may never get him back. All the pieces of my Sammy seem to be too shattered to ever be put back together. He stares at me with devastation, his face lined with various emotions that I am not certain I can digest, as I answer Abe’s question in his place. I express the words out loud that I have held onto all this time. The ones I buried deep inside my heart, where they were safe, and could not be stolen from me. The ones that have helped me remain sane during everything that has happened to us, yet I fear that, for the first time, I will have to discard them, that they are no longer genuine.

Before my brother’s death, I had hoped to make them come to fruition, to be Sammy’s wife, regardless of the consequences from the Order. I wanted to run away with him, and be free to love each other openly. My greatest dream was to be reunited with my brother and mother, and for all of us to escape the Brotherhood. I believed my brother Gabriel would have supported my choice, that he would have loved Sammy, and seen for himself how much Sammy cared about me. Then that phone call came that turned my whole world upside down again, and tore everything I wanted out from under me.Mercilessly. Viciously. World shatteringly.That one instance put in motion a series of tragic events that could not be stopped. It has led us here to this moment, the one where I might have to give up the man I have peacefully loved for years, who kept me safe, andrisked himself for me, knowing he could have, at any time, died in the process.

I force myself to my feet, regardless of my weary body protesting my actions, and scrub at my wet face with the back of my hands. The tears mix in with the dried blood on their surface, and appear grotesque, much like my heart, it would seem. It, too, is bleeding out inside of me from a million sharp cuts, dark and scarred. “You lied too, Dinah. How could you do that to me?!” Sammy shoves away from the wall, his body radiating violence once more. I flinch at the venom in his tone, his words battering me further without hesitation. “You say you didn’t leave me to die, but I have no proof of that, Dinah.None.Yourmentell tales of your sacrificial efforts to save me, but all I saw was evidence to the contrary.“ He takes a step closer to me, and Abe moves to place himself in his way, his eyes darting back and forth between us. I see the indecision in their depths; he doesn’t know whether to allow this to continue. With a nod of my head, I ask him to permit this to happen, to let Sammy get it all out, once and for all, so that we can determine if there is any chance of saving him.

“I fucking saw you! I. FUCKING. SAW. YOU. DINAH! I saw photos and videos of you laughing with them, fucking them like a cheap whore, all while I was having acid poured on my skin. While I was being cut up like a butchered piece of meat, and my limbs were being broken.” He rips his loose, long-sleeved gray shirt over his head, and a gasp escapes my lips, as a ragged choking racket sounds from Abe. The beautiful golden perfection of his skin is severely damaged and disfigured; huge sections of skin are red or blackened, and other parts are covered in healing blisters, but the very worst of it is across his chest, where once my name was scrawled in black ink. That section is covered in horrific scar tissue, the skin attempting to mend itself and leaving the surface rough, monstrous, and distorted. Oh my God, just seeing what they have done to him makes me want toset the world on fire. How much pain he must have endured. How he’s even still alive after being put through that, I can’t even imagine.

“Look carefully,whore.This is what they did to me because of you! I suffered while you were free withthem. Over and over again, I was punished because they could not get to you.“ His face turns a dangerous shade of red, his nostrils flaring, and an unhinged look of pure malice is directed at me. Long gone is the man who couldn’t utter any words to me just moments ago, only to be replaced with this creature that wishes to hurt me. The one who is trapped in the nightmares he suffered in my name. “I heard about your joy at being Ezekiel’swife,and the spawn you carry inside of you, and the message you sent telling them to discard me, that I was worthless now to you. They showed it to me, in between ripping me apart and filling my veins with poison.“ He grabs hold of a small, round wooden side table, and launches it at the wall behind me, smashing it off the surface and shattering it into pieces. Abe is physically restraining him now, with an arm across his chest, and using all his weight to push him back and away from me. He’s grunting with the strain, his muscles rippling, and every few seconds, I glance at the terror painted across his features. Even in Sammy’s battered condition, he seems to find an inner strength provoked by his rage, and whatever lies Noah has fed him, and he manages to move Abe’s large, brawny body forward, closer and closer to where I am. He approaches me while I stand, stunned and dumbfounded before him, unable to process the words he just shouted at me. No, this can’t be possible. This isn’t happening. I can’t be trapped in this nightmare where I lose him, based on all these lies.

“What the fuck did you just say?” My voice sounds loud, shrill, and utterly hysterical to my own ears. There’s a clangorous buzzing happening all around me, and the world is beginning to spin before me. I reach out with my hands as I sway, catchingnothing but air in my grip, as my legs buckle with weakness, forcing me to crash down to the ground. The impact has my knees bouncing off the wooden floor, but I don’t feel any pain. Nothing registers, only the numbness that is taking hold of me. “Jesus fuck! Atasi! Atasi, baby, are you okay? Talk to me!” Distantly, I hear the struggle of limbs hitting limbs, but I can’t focus. Everything has become muted, the sounds seeming to come from far away. I clutch at my chest, the pain radiating from there, taking over all my limbs and making it hard to breathe. My left arm tingles, up and down before a shooting pain hits the middle of my chest.

“Can’t... brea... the... can’t.” My head spins faster, and the room before me begins to dim, as I struggle to get any air inside of my lungs. A wave of coldness assaults me, making my teeth rattle as I scratch at my neck frantically, trying desperately to breathe. “Stay fucking down, or I’ll kill you, Sammy!” Abe’s roar tries to break through the darkness that is settling on me, but all my limbs feel weighed down, as my chest squeezes so tightly with the loss of air. I can’t hold on much longer. I can’t breathe; something is stopping the air from reaching my lungs. My head smacks against the hardwood floor, my eyes so heavy I can’t keep them open for another second. The world goes dark, and I’m lost in the void where no one can hurt me.

He believed their lies. He’s turned his back on me. I’ve lost him.

Chapter thirty-one

The Protector

Sammy

Iwas seething, finally releasing all of my pent-up rage at the right person, and allowing her to see how her betrayal had impacted me. No, that’s not even the correct word. That word is too soft to signify what losing her felt like.Annihilateis a more accurate word. That’s how I feel right now, like there is nothing left of the man I once was. When her blue-gray eyes met mine, filled with tumultuous storms, disbelief, and horror in their depths, I felt a chasm further opening up within me. When her gaze slid along the surface of my damaged skin, I witnessed the disgust, plain to see across her features. I haven’t been able to take a look in a mirror since my solo captivity, but I don’t need a mirror to tell me that I am irrevocably scarred and disfigured, ugly now in Dinah’s eyes.

The blood coursing through my veins was so loud in my ears, that I didn’t even hear what she said before she started swaying, fell to the floor, and grasped at her throat, unable to catch her breath. Even watching her be overcome with emotions that she made no attempt to hide, I still tried to push my way towards her. For what purpose, I am not sure I even understand. Would I have hurt her again, or tried to kill her? What was my plan once I got to her, as I watched her become deathly pale and terrified? Did a part of me want to comfort her? Forgive her for hurting and betraying me? Was it just instinctual? She has always been my Nightstar, and I, her protector, her knight in tarnished armor, herSammy.

One moment, I was standing, and the next, Abe had me pinned to the floor with a roar, punching me repeatedly to subdue me, and threatening me with death if I rose up once again, and tried to move towards Dinah. By then, the cataclysm of emotions that had a tsunami effect on me had dissipated, a tide pulling back after wrecking everything in its path, and all I could feel was fear. Overwhelming fear at whatever was happening to her, and that she wasn’t breathing. “What the fuck is happening to her? ABE! What the fuck is the matter with her? Why isn’t she breathing?!” I yelled, but the fucker just ignored me as he fell to his knees, filled with panic, lifted her in his arms, and ran out of the room without a backward glance. The fucker didn’t even bother to relock the door, so I charged out of the room after him, intent on getting to Dinah.

Abe yelled the walls down, begging for help, with Dinah cradled in his large arms. People rushed in every direction, and Zeke reappeared seemingly out of nowhere. Someone with medical training had Dinah brought to a bedroom, and we were all forcibly removed from the space so that they could check her. As I stood there in shock, with trepidation threatening to take my legs out from under me, Zeke’s fist connected with the side of my jaw, so hard that I felt one of my molars crack, as I shook my head to try to clear some of the pain and dizziness away. I stumbled into someone else and took them down with me, while Abe and two other guards restrained him, and another pulled a gun warily on me, and told me to stay put. “I warned you, fucker! I warned you, if you hurt her, I would kill you! You’re dead, Sammy! Dead!”

His words and anger meant nothing to me. All I could feel was the boulder of dread in the pit of my stomach that Dinah wasn’t alright. I haven’t been so scared since the day I saw Zeke stab her, and thought that was her final moment on this earth. Nothing Noah and his maggots put me through even comparedto that type of terror. “Is it... is it the baby?” I questioned, the words tasting like straight acid on my lips. For the rest of my life, however short that might be, I’ll never forget the look of utter shock on both Abe and Zeke’s faces. They both seemed to age twenty years at that moment. “What fucking baby?What the hell are you talking about?“ Zeke demanded, and at first, I thought he was just playing coy with me, trying to protect Dinah, but then I looked at Abe and saw the haunting look in his eyes. “You said that before, but I thought you were just fucking with her. You honestly believed she was pregnant? What the fuck is the matter with you, Sammy?”

If I thought my heart and mind had been broken before, I was wrong. Everything within me ceased to exist. My heart stopped beating, my lungs refused to take in air, and my mind blared with a high-pitched siren. I hoped, with everything that I had left, that they were both lying to me, that they were playing me for a pathetic fool, but as I stared into their faces, I realized that, in fact, it was me who was pathetic and a complete fool. I allowed Noah Rothesay to convince me of something that I should have known was improbable. That demon managed to convert me to his side in hating Dinah. He wrapped his poison around me so thoroughly and tightly, that I stopped questioning what the truth was, and allowed my anger to lead me to hate the one person who had been everything to me. I tried to kill the only woman I have ever loved, my only family, and the individual who has meant the most to me.

I don’t know what happened next. It was as if a switch was flipped inside of me, and I could only get a glimpse, as if I was floating outside of my body and watching helplessly, unable to stop myself. I know I banged my head against the wall, over and over, until my blood coated its surface red. The hallway sounded as if a trapped, injured animal was within it, and I was almost certain the noises were coming from me. Somewhere within thespace, someone begged over and over hoarsely to die, to be shot, and for their misery to be ended. One minute, I was cognitive of what was happening. The next, darkness took over, and I awoke back in this room, with my head thundering and wrapped in thick bandages, and feeling like my skull was smashed to pieces. I don’t know how long I was out, and what has happened in the time period when I was unconscious. No amount of banging on the once again locked door has brought anyone here. I am trapped, alone with my thoughts, except now I know that I am a monster. One who tried to kill Dinah based on falsehoods, and who was easily manipulated by a fiend who wanted nothing more than to tear her apart, and punish her for thwarting his plans. I played right into Noah Rothesay’s hands, and I will never forgive myself.

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