Page 24 of Be My Salvation

I may be slightly insane, and desperate to make Sammy see that I never betrayed him, but I’m not stupid. He’s a caged animal, and they tend to respond to threats by ripping out your throat. I need mine intact, so I’m hoping that I won’t have to put a bullet hole in him to prove my point, but I am not leaving anything off the table. I intend to say my piece this time, and whether he chooses to listen or not, that’s up to him.

The door opens wide, and I walk through it with my head held high, and my unreadable mask securely in place, hiding all of my emotions, just as Sammy spent years teaching me to do. He stares back at me, but not with shock across his features at seeing me. Instead, I see acceptance and even, I dare say, anticipation. He was expecting me, and I don’t know whether to be happy about that, or to dread what is about to happen. “Hello, Sammy.” I close the door securely, keeping him always in my peripheral vision, but he doesn’t move an inch. Just his dark navy eyes follow all of my movements, tracking me like one does with prey. It’s unnerving, but it’s meant to be. I haven’t forgotten my lessons; he wants to set me on edge, even while he appears calm and collected, so I’ll make a mistake. Sammy has always excelled at the game of war, but now, it’s time for the student to surpass the teacher. I have too much to lose, including him, and I am not lying about what happened. These are my painful truths, and I hope he can see through the lies others have told him.

His features don’t change, as he watches me pull a straight-back black metal chair away from the little eating area Sarah must have provided for him. I place it right in front of him, leaving a few mere feet between us, but close enough that he could reach out and touch me, if he really wanted to. I refuse to show him the fear that is clawing up my insides, and making me weak. I sit myself down casually, as if I were here for a friendly chat, and not one that will determine our future, and whethereither of us continues breathing. The gun pressing into my lower back provides me with a slight comfort, and confidence that if shit really goes south, I will at least be able to defend myself. I begin to feel the same stirrings of what I realize now is a panic attack rising in my chest, but I endeavor to push it all away, so I can concentrate on what needs to happen here. “What do you want, Dinah?” The lack of emotion in his tone further inflicts damage to my already fatigued soul. Does he really feel nothing for me now? Are we truly over? I can’t accept that. I won’t. Our love story can’t end like this.

“You, always you,” I reply honestly, and a muscle jumps along his unkempt whiskered jaw. Even as he sits here ragged, covered in bruises, and partially emaciated, he’s so beautiful. With his classical features, those dark eyes filled with such raw emotions, his Roman nose a little less straight from all his beatings, even the squareness of his jaw, he’s perfection to my eyes. There will never be another Sammy for me. He is the one my damaged heart calls out to, in its desperation and need. Does he not hear it screaming for him now? He doesn’t respond, but the tilt of his head indicates he’s not amused. “Get to the point of why you’re here, Night-uhDinah.“ He catches himself at the last moment, and just with the misstep in his words, I know he’s not entirely immune to me. His heart may be hardened, but it still beats for me, just like mine does for him; I just have to break through that shell. I try not to show the tiny bubble of hope that is rising inside of me. The one that wants me to launch myself up from this chair, wrap my arms tightly around his neck, and force him to kiss me. I do none of those things, however, knowing that he clearly is not ready for that, and may never be again.

“I want you to listen, nothing more, nothing less. I would prefer if you did it without attempting to murder me, if possible. When I am done telling my version of events, of what really happened, when Noah took you away from me, if you still wantnothing to do with me, then fine, Sammy, I guess I’ll have no choice but to let you go, even though you’ll break what is left of my fucking heart.” His eyes slide over my features, their caress causing my skin to flare with heat. Is he dissecting me, in an attempt to see if I’ll lie to him? There’s no point in doing so. We are at a crossroads. One branch requires that we both put down our guards, admit to our failures and pain, and try to come together in the bond we have shared in the past, the one I truly believed was stronger and could withstand anything. The other branch leads to nowhere except a desolate, barren land, where we spend eternity apart, or even end each other’s lives.

“Go on then, tell your tale,” he responds with disdain. The urge to slap the sneering look on his face raises my hand, but I force it back into my lap, threading my fingers together to prevent further violence between us. He doesn’t miss the action, the corner of his lip quirking with satisfaction, at causing me to break my cold facade.Asshole.

I take a deep breath and prepare to tell my tale, keeping to the facts as I know them, and trying to keep emotion out of it, even though that’s almost impossible. “After Noah attacked us back at the house, and Zeke was forced to stab me…” He snorts loudly in disbelief, and I raise my eyebrow in challenge. “By all means, Dinah, go on with your fairy tale, and the lies your men have told you. You always loved the villain more than the hero, and I see that hasn’t changed.” I force myself to take deep breaths, and remind myself that he’s hurt, and he’s actively trying to derail this conversation. Why, I am not sure. Is it because he’s already decided he won’t believe a word that leaves my lips, or is it because then he will have to admit his part in all of it?

I ignore his attempt to rile me up and continue, “Abe and I were taken by the rebels. Abe’s mother, Sarah, much to my surprise, is a rebel leader, and she rescued us. According to her, they were unable to save you and Zeke at the same time, dueto heavy return gunfire, and you remained behind in Noah’s clutches. I was unaware of what was happening, Sammy, I spent days in a coma, fighting for my fucking life.” I lean forward until I’m closer to him, so close that I can feel the heat radiating off his body, as he sits on the end of the bed with a stern expression. “You were my tether back to this world. It was your voice I heard inside my head, imploring me to come back to you. You are the reason I didn’t give in to the darkness.” I allow my heavy words to penetrate the chasm between us. His jaw twitches, but that’s the only response I get to my declaration. “When I awoke, Abe was there to greet me. He told me what had happened, that you and Zeke were captured, and honestly, neither of us was too thrilled with Zeke’s actions. Abe was determined to rip his heart out of his chest with his bare hands, and if I’m honest, I wasn’t too far behind him on wanting my revenge on the son of a bitch.” That gets a reaction, and a small smile breaks on his lips before he wipes it away, and continues to hold me captive in this moment where only he and I exist.

“It took a bit to recover from my injury, Zeke managed to do some serious damage, and I had lost a lot of blood. He... I... fuck.” I drag my hands down my face with aggravation at not being able to articulate my feelings correctly. This is my one chance, and I feel like I’m blowing it. “Don’t sugarcoat shit, Dinah, spit it out.” I huff out a growl at how insensitive he’s being. This shit is hard; putting my trauma into words isn’t easy. I use my anger to fuel me, and the words tumble out ungracefully and tinged in resentment. “You accused me yesterday of having Zeke’s fucking baby, of betraying you, and being happy with my husband without you. That wouldn’t be fucking possible, Sammy, and not just because I could never be happy without you, but because when Zeke stabbed me, he pretty much ended my chance of carrying a child!” I rise from the chair, feeling hot all over, and wanting to pick it up andthrow it at him. Instead, I force myself to grip the top of the chair and hold on for dear life. “Zeke and Abe don’t know, and I would prefer if Zeke never found out, he already lives daily with the guilt of his impossible choice.” His eyes glisten, and for a moment, I don’t know what to do. Everything inside of me wants to take him in my arms, to reassure him of my love, but I hesitate. “Is this real? Are you really here right now, telling me these truths, or are you a figment of my poisoned mind?”

Ah, fuck,I was holding it together pretty decently until those words slipped from his lips. Now I can feel the tears trickling down my face, as my throat swells with the sobs I’m holding back. “Real. I’m real, and you’re real. We are both real, and this is happening.” He nods his head, his eyes never leaving mine, as I use the back of my hand to clean my face. “I... um... where was I? We received a tip from the rebels that Noah was up to no good again, and was trying to marry Zeke off to someone else’s sacred daughter. He had convinced members of the Brotherhood that I was dead, killed off by the Unholy Ghost.” Now it’s my turn to snort at the absurdity of killing myself. “I knew that you were both together, and even though I didn’t understand why Zeke had done what he did, my focus was on rescuingyou, and ending his life.”

I force myself back into the chair, and I notice that he is leaning his body closer to me, instead of away from me.Baby steps, Dinah.“We went there for you, Sammy. I was attempting to rescue you, not Zeke. When I encountered him, all I wanted to do was murder him where he dared stand with another bride, ready to say his vows. I’m not going to lie to you, and tell you that it didn’t hurt me to see him there, regardless of if he was being coerced. I didn’t trust him. Sometimes, I think I still don’t, then I remember all they have willingly suffered for me. Noah managed to disappear with you, before we made it to where youwere being held. We gave chase, but he had gone to ground, the rat, and we couldn’t find you.”

He releases a deep sigh. “Zeke was forced to stab you, as much as I hate the fucker, and make no mistake, if you give me a blade, I’ll stab out his fucking eye. He loves you in his own demented way. He loves that big psychopath too, and he was backed into a corner by his demon father.” Hearing him speak, without targeting his rage at me, creates another bubble of hope, one stacked on top of the other, that I may still reach the top, and that Sammy and I can be free of all the pain and misunderstandings that surround us. “That’s what led us to David. We searched on our own with no promising results. It was like finding a tiny needle in a steaming pile of dragon shit. Possible, but very messy and time-consuming, and I was worried we wouldn’t get to you in time. The only bonus, if you can even call it one, was that we killed a lot of Brotherhood members along the way.” This time I get a genuine smile from him, one that makes his eyes crinkle at the edges, and takes some of the strain from his features.

“When David approached me, with proof that he knew where you were and I saw your condition, I immediately agreed, regardless of the risks. It was a fucking trap. Abe and Zeke both warned me it was a trap, but faithfully followed me head-first into it anyway, the fools.” He bites his lip and soothes it with his tongue, and fuck me, I want desperately to lick that lip. How I miss the taste and feel of him on my lips. How my body craves his touch and his warmth. It’s as if a limb has been ripped from me, and it’s right before me, waiting to be reattached. He drags his abused hands through the mess of his hair, and I can see clearly that he’s struggling. Is his mind playing tricks on him, making him believe that I am not here with him? “Sammy, I’m here, and this is real. Baby, please come back to me. Being without you hurts so badly.”

“I... I don’t know what to say, Dinah. This... fuck, this doesn’t feel real, it doesn’t feel possible. The things they showed me, that they said... I believed them. I...” He gets up from the bed and begins pacing back and forth, always keeping some distance between us, and giving me terrified glances, as if he can’t reconcile himself with my presence, and what I am telling him. “You never stopped trying to... rescue me?” His voice is so low, almost a whisper, and my heart aches for him. For the man who thought I could abandon him like that.

“Never, Sammy. I would have rather died trying to get to you, than allow you to perish alone.”

Chapter thirty-five

The Protector

Sammy

Her words shred what’s left of my restraint, and I charge at her, unsure of what the hell I even plan on doing, and cognizant that I am probably going to scare her. All I know is that I believe what is happening right now, that her words and version of what transpired are real. She never stopped trying to get to me, and she has suffered so much because of it. She releases a high-pitched squeak as my arms launch around her, crushing her body to mine, in an embrace so tight I can feel her heart hammering in her chest against mine. Every inch of our bodies that are in contact feels like total bliss. Her scent of amber, smoke, and bergamot fills my nostrils, making my head spin rapidly. I can’t bring myself to release her, or even loosen my hold, for fear that she will once again disappear, and I will wake up trapped and alone.

“Sammy!” My name moaned on her lips, has so many emotions rising within me. It’s like being on the very edge of an angry vast ocean. The waves keep rising higher and higher, and you know sooner or later, they are going to crash down on you and drown you. At first, you’re deceived, thinking you can escape in time from under their violence, but as they build, one after the another, intense, relentless, and powerful, all of your sadness, rage, frustration, and even joy crashes over you, pulling you under, and making it impossible to breathe. Your life flashes before your eyes as you struggle to stay afloat, knowing that you are being consumed by that angry tide. The waves crash againstyou and drag you in every direction, knocking the air and the very sanity out of you, and no matter how hard you try, your feet can’t find solid ground, and your body is tired of swimming. The vastness and nothingness calls to you. It taunts you with the impossibility of escape. That is what life without Dinah felt like, when I thought she had forsaken me, and discarded me to die at Noah’s hands. This one moment doesn’t solve all our problems, but I feel it chipping away at the heavy armor I have encased my heart in.

I pull back, holding her arms as if I fear that, at any moment, she will turn into a wisp of smoke and disappear. Her beautiful blue-gray eyes shine brightly with tears that are set to release, matching the ones already sliding down her face. She never breaks the connection, her gaze focused on mine, as if she, too, fears that this may all be fleeting. “Real?” I question, with my heart hammering in my chest. Her hands rise timidly towards my face, her thumbs stroking gently underneath my eyes, and wiping moisture I didn’t even realize was there. “Real, Sammy. This is real.”

I shake my head with regret, knowing that it’s best if we get all of her story out, even though everything within me no longer wants to hear of her suffering. “Tell me the rest, Nightstar.” Her breath hitches at my nickname, and her lips fall into a comical‘O’. I lay my lips on the top of her head, right into her silky, dark strands that I missed so much. I feel her shudder against me, and it pulls the first genuine smile I have had, since this whole mess started.Mine.This woman is mine, has always been, and will always be mine. I had forgotten what it felt like just to be surrounded by her warmth, and my guilt crashes into me, with all the harm I have already caused her. “Nightstar, I... I don’t even know what to say. Fuck, I tried... to... kill you... how the hell can you even stand to look at me?”

Self-loathing flows through me, invading every crevice of my being, and I replay all the images of me hurting her, like a rushed scene out from one of the forbidden thriller movies she liked to watch.I did that. I hurt her. I tried to kill her.I am so unworthy of her touch, of her very love, after I turned on her like an abused beast. A hoarse sound chokes me, and as I pull away from her, I realize it’s the sound of my fragile heart breaking once more. “No! Fuck, no, Samuel Wendover! You do not get to sprinkle your love, give me hope, and then pull it away again. I am not a damn fucking yo-yo.”What the fuck is a yo-yo?I have no idea what she’s referencing, but her fury is a living, breathing thing. Her eyes glow with an unholy light, and I am taken aback, and actually a little afraid. She grabs onto my shirt and yanks me back to her, the material fisted tightly between her fingers. “I will finish my story, but listen to me very clearly, Sammy. If, when I do, you try to turn from me, that’s it.We. Are. Done.I can’t continue to allow you to destroy me, along with yourself. I can understand your struggle, and I can be patient and try to help you work through everything that has occurred, but all I ask is that you not give up on me, on us.”

I desperately want to ask her again if this is real, and not my mind playing tricks on me, but I feel foolish, and I fear she’s going to think that I am insane. She must see something on my features that conveys my thoughts, because she releases her tight hold on my shirt and pats my chest, as if she hadn’t just lost her temper. Her fingers rise and stroke my chin, making the ratty beard itch, and I wish that I had begged Sarah for a razor, not that she would have given me one, in case I used it as a weapon. “This is real. You can feel me touching you. I am real. Ask as many times as you need to, so that you can reassure yourself that I am here with you.” I wrap my hands lower and bring them across her waist, and that’s when I feel the hard bulge at her lower back. She instantly stills, and her eyes widenas I lift the shirt, and pull the gun from the back of her pants. I draw back and stare at the black metal enclosed in my fingers. “Were you afraid I was going to hurt you again, Dinah?” A part of me can understand why she would be, and I can even reconcile myself with the fact that she deserves to be able to protect herself against me. My mind is a fractured, brutal place, and just because I’m alert to my surroundings now, doesn’t mean I always will be. That’s the part about enduring something like I have. It sneaks up on you when you least expect it, and turns your whole world around. “It’s okay, you can tell me,” I try to reassure her in a gentle voice. I want her to understand I am not angry, just sad.

“Yes. I didn’t know which version of you was going to be in here. I had hoped it was you, my Sammy, but I was prepared, just like you taught me, to be able to defend myself, in case it wasn’t.” Pride fills me that she was prepared. That she remembered the lessons I painstakingly tried to teach her. “Good girl.“ I chuckle at the way she preens at my words, and her body loses some of its tension.

“Tell me the rest, Nightstar. Why did you kill the Holy Father?” All the time I have been confined here, no one has explained what the hell Dinah was doing, and why, when I entered a large hall filled with Brotherhood members. Everything about the situation seemed suspect to me, but since I couldn’t really determine reality from the lies Noah fed me, it was inconsequential, that is, until now. Now, I fear my girl has been manipulated, and wrapped herself in someone else’s ploy for power. “It all started with David, who had me come here to murder the Holy Father. It was the deed I had to perform for him, to save you and my nephew, who is still lost to us.” Ah fuck, I knew it. Whoever this David guy is didn’t force poison into her veins to make her cooperate, but it had the same effect. He usedme as a carrot dangling before her, and she could no sooner refuse than allow me to perish, it seems.

“The man I killed was not the Holy Father, he was an imposter pretending to be. The real Holy Father is my father, Francis Camrose, who faked his death and took over the Holy Father’s position, without anyone but David’s knowledge. With the use of the constant mask to disguise his appearance, none were the wiser. It was all a test, to see if I could be loyal and controlled. I don’t think they ever truly intended to save you. They are unhinged and insane, wanting a revolution for the world, and willing to burn it down around us to achieve their goals.”

Shit, I need to confess to her that he came to me, that he tried to manipulate me too. “Nightstar.” My mouth opens and closes, the words refusing to leave at first. What if I imagined it all? What if he was never truly there, and I conjured him in my rage? No, wait, I had never seen Francis Camrose in the flesh. He was dead by the time Dinah came to me as my charge. Besides the few images she had in her possessions, we barely ever spoke of him. There is no way I would have been able to come up with such a vivid illusion of him in my mind, poison or not. “A man with your father’s face snuck in to speak with me, here in this mansion, not more than a day ago, when I was being held in that stockroom. He... ah fuck, Dinah, he asked me to kill Abe and Zeke. He told me I would get you back, and that I could do whatever I wanted to you. I told him that I would kill you, and he didn’t look concerned.”

Her face goes deathly pale, and she stumbles away from my embrace. I want to reach out and pull her back into my arms, but instead, I grip my pant legs at my sides to prevent reaching out and touching her, and bite down hard on my bottom lip, awaiting whatever her reaction is going to be. I’m so filled with guilt now that I even agreed to do anything that asshole wanted. I could try to blame it on my mental state, but that would be acop-out. I knew perfectly well what I was agreeing to. I allowed rage and jealousy to possess me, much like the drugs did, and warp me into this monster that would willingly hurt her, based on her perceived abandonment. “Are you sure it was him?” She refuses to look at me, her forehead furrowing as if in pain. “Positive,” I respond, even though I fear she may end up walking away from me. She’s silent for a few moments, contemplating my words, and I wish I could see what was inside her mind.

Will she leave me now? Does she feel even more betrayed?I open my lips to beg her forgiveness, but before I can utter a single word, she releases a weary sigh. “They want me to appear before the masses. They want to push me as the face of this revolution, so I can be a target if it fails, and it will fail, Sammy. They don’t understand that the Brotherhood is not beaten yet, that they are just not going to release their grasp on power. So many are going to die, and they will do it in my name. I want no part in this war, and I don’t wish to be a martyr. All I wanted was my vengeance, and the three of you. I had one man left to kill, Noah Rothesay, and now I have at least two more to add to that list. When I am done, I want us to disappear. I will not be a puppet on anyone’s strings.”

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