Page 37 of The Girl and the Cobra

Dr. Wolf’s gaze narrows somewhat. “You are both adults. This is not a hospital or a jail. I figured it was only a matter of time before you two became closer—I did not think it would happen so quickly, however.” He taps the pen on the pad of paper. “For you to say you feel safe with him, after what you experienced, is momentous. Why do you think you feel safe with someone like Tristan?”

“I don’t know.”

The way he squints at me tells me he doesn’t quite believe me.

“Maybe, in a weird way, he—” Oh, God. This next part doesn’t want to come out. “—reminds me of Jordan.” The moment I say it, I want to take it back. Jordan hid his murderous side. Tristan doesn’t bother hiding any of that from me now… although that could simply be due to the fact that we’re both here, in desperate need of psychological fixing. “Which would explain why…”

Dr. Wolf is never one to let me trail off. I should know that by now. “Why what?”

“Why a part of me feels guilty.” I shake my head. “It doesn’t make sense, though. Just because Tristan might sort of remind me of Jordan, I feel guilty?”

“Let’s delve into this a bit more. I can understand why Tristan reminds you of your brother—not only in what he’s done, but as a whole. Tristan spent nearly his entire life hiding hisdarkness from those around him, just as Jordan did to you and the world. A part of you must recognize that. Perhaps it’s why you feel so instinctively comfortable and safe near him. Jordan would never have hurt you, and so Tristan won’t.”

A part of me kind of wants to argue with him. Logically, that makes hardly any sense, but I also can’t deny how right he is.

“You loved your brother, didn’t you? A part of you loves him still.”

My eyelids fall, and I sit there for a few moments as I attempt to calm my nerves, those same nerves that always act up whenever we talk about Jordan or I think about him too much. “Yes.”

“You told me before you never really had friends. Jordan was your twin. You felt more connected to him than anyone else. Is it reasonable to say he was your best friend?” When I nod, Dr. Wolf goes on, “He was your world, wasn’t he?”

I bite my bottom lip and mutter, “He was.”

“Do you think, perhaps, the guilt you feel over your connection with Tristan is not only because he reminds you of Jordan, but also because in moving on from what happened—moving on from Jordan—you feel as if you’re betraying everything you had?”

“Yes,” I hiss out the answer, having already knew this much. “But what I don’t get is why—”

“You were best friends. Twins. You shared a deep connection with your brother the majority of people will never feel in their lives, especially with a sibling. Most siblings fight, bicker, annoy each other like it’s their job, but not you two. Jordan was the only one who could get you to do things you were uncomfortable with. I’m betting you believe he was the only one who could see the real you.”

Nothing he said is wrong, which is why I don’t say a word.

Dr. Wolf leans forward, unblinking as he stares at me. “I’m going to ask you a question. Now, it’s not going to be an easy one. It might upset you. You might get mad. But we have to examine this from every angle, and I believe there is one angle you haven’t yet looked at.”

My stomach churns. Some psychic feeling inside me makes me nauseous as I wait for him to continue. I have the feeling I’m not going to like his question, not one bit.

“You loved your brother more than life itself. Were you, perhaps, in love with him?”

The question hits me like a physical wall, and all I can do is blink. Blink and breathe like there is a pile of rocks on my chest. A minute passes, and all I can eventually say is, “What?”

“It’s not uncommon for children to say they’re going to marry their parents or their siblings when they grow up, when they don’t really understand what that would mean… but then they go to school, have play dates, get to know other children. They grow out of it. They start having crushes on classmates or teachers or what have you. Maybe you never did.”

“Maybe I never had crushes on classmates or teachers because I was too busy beingin love with my brother?”I can hardly speak it out loud. I want to slink back into the chair I sit in and hide in the crevices; become a bug and scurry away, never to be seen again.

This can’t be what we’re talking about. There’s no way.

“I told you the question might make you upset, but I want you to think about it.”

“You’re saying I only like Tristan because he reminds me of my brother, who I was in love with? What the fuck?” First this asshole says Jordan manipulated me, and now he’s saying I was in love with my own brother?

“I’m not saying that. I’m merely suggesting the possibility.”

I get to my feet. “I need… can we be done?”

Dr. Wolf gives me a tight-lipped smile. “Sure.” I start toward the door, but he calls out to me before I can reach it: “But do me a favor. The next time you see Tristan, ask him who Shay is.”

The only thing I want to do right now is give Dr. Wolf a big middle finger—or both—but I resist. I storm out of his office, and as the door swings shut behind me, I lean on the wall in the hall to gather myself. My chest rises and falls with heavy, angry breaths, and my heart feels like it’s going to explode.

I push off the wall as my head spins, my goal to retreat to my bedroom. As I go, I can’t help but think of Jordan, and a memory comes to life in my mind.

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