Page 48 of The Chemistry of Us

Even his hate.

The familiarity of it all.

It was comforting when it was supposed to have been afflicting.

It shouldn’t have surprised me when he followed me down there.

I stared into his eyes, feeling like we were on the same side. Both of us knew what it was like to pray and not feel heard. In the blink of an eye, my life changed overnight, and I wasno longer living under some random roof. Instead, I was with wealthy foster parents who genuinely seemed to like me.

I lived and breathed her demons until I was set free one day, but I still felt like a caged bird. There was no running away from my memories.

Not then.

Not now.

I hadn’t realized I’d begun crying, tears spilling out over what I could never change. It didn’t matter how much I’d tried, how much I’d cried, nothing ever changed.

Not with me.

Not with us.

A wave of emotions took over, and when Van grabbed my wrist to stop me from leaving and took a seat where I had once sat,I couldn’t have left even if I’d wanted to.

And the truth was, I didn’t want to.

I listened to him with the same longing I had for him to always listen to me. The same thoughts, the same fears, the same realizations of what I shouldn’t have experienced at such a young age. His sincerity caught me off guard, making me feel like I was the only person he had ever shared any confessions with other than his therapist.

For the first time in my life, I didn’t feel so alone. He understood what I went through in his own way, and it overwhelmed me as much as it calmed me. I saw a side to him he didn’t show anyone, and I had no idea why…

All I knew was that I didn’t want it to go away.

I didn’t want him to go away.

And my toxic trait was the fear that he would.

As soon as I felt the back of his fingers wipe away my tears, we once again locked eyes. Something deep inside me told me I could trust him, but our intensity wasn’t anything I’d ever experienced with anyone before.

It was thrilling.

Terrifying.

It waseverythingand more.

He had no idea how much he’d changed me by simply being by my side.

I was the first to break eye contact, looking back toward the lake instead and trying to reel in my emotions that never went away. I contemplated if I was really going to do this. I could feel his gaze on the side of my face, burning a hole into my skin, and a part of me knew he sensed that.

The effect he had on me.

I gazed up at the sky, needing a minute to gather my thoughts and what was happening between us. The stars shined bright above our heads, illuminating against the darkness of the sky with the moon smiling high like a Cheshire cat. The lake breeze brought a slight chill to the air, and I hugged my knees to my chest in a reassuring gesture, shielding myself to create some warmth around me.

I sat there beside him, feeling his honesty, his support…

His love?

My eyebrows rose, surprised by my own revelation. I finally admitted a truth out loud, and it felt amazing. “They say people can’t remember memories before the age of six, but I remember a lot of stuff. I can still taste my tears sometimes.” I hesitated for a moment, reliving the past for what felt like the hundredth time.

I covered my face, desperately trying to hide from him.

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