Page 79 of Everlasting Promises

The half-time whistle blows and I watch the boys walk off the field to grab a drink. My eyes burn and my nose fizzes with the telltale sign I won’t be able to hold back the tears this time. They well in my eyes and drop over my bottom lashes. I furiously swipe them away, tired of them.

Tired of the buildup of emotions.

Tired of feeling too much … too little.

Tired of the overwhelming hole in my chest where my heart used to beat for Wyatt.

Tired of feeling so damn broken.

“Hope,” Clara says my name, bringing my focus back to our call. “None of us expect you to be alone for the rest of your life. Wyatt wouldn’t expect you to be alone. Mom and Dad don’t.Idon’t. You’re the only one who thinks that way and you’re too young to think that way,” she says in a tone that can’t be misconstrued as anything other than the truth. “You can’t possibly think anyone would begrudge you finding happiness after everything. After all these years. You were the best thing to ever happen to my brother. You were a fantastic wife, and you gave him the greatest gift … a son. You made my brother so happy.”

A sob bursts past my lips, and I look around me, embarrassed. Slipping off the hood of my car, I climb inside, where I can have some semblance of privacy.

“He would hate that you’re not allowing yourself the opportunity to find happiness with someone else,” she murmurs.

“I-it just feels so wrong, Clara. On so many levels.” I look out of the windshield, not really seeing anything.

Fabric rustles and a chair scrapes across the floor over the phone. “Tell me about the levels that feel wrong.”

Waving my hand around the interior of my car like a crazy person, I snap. “Well, talking to you about a man other than Wyatt, for starters. Inviting a man who isn’t Evan’s father into our home to spend time with our son. A man who’s made it clear he’ll wait as long as it takes for me to be ready to date. Kissing that man in the house that Wyatt paid for—and continues to pay for.”

Clara sucks in a sharp breath.

“Having sexual dreams and thoughts about a man other than my husband in the bed that I shared with my husband. Appreciating the way another man looks. Wanting him to touch me … to kiss me. It’s wrong. All of it. It’s just wrong,” I sob, then gasp in a harsh breath. “Breaking my promise to the man I married,” I whisper. Broken. There’s no stopping the cascade of tears that flood my cheeks. “It’s all so wrong. He was supposed to be my first and my only,” I say brokenly.

Silence fills the space between me and Clara as I cry. Dropping my head back on the seat, I look up at the roof of my car, hoping the change in angle will stop the tears from falling. All it does is change their direction so they fall down the side of my face and into my hair.

“None of it’s wrong, honey,” she whispers. “I promise.” She blows out a long breath over the phone. “If Wyatt were still here, hewouldbe your one and only, but he’s gone, and he’s not coming home.” Her words stab me painfully. “He wouldn’t want you to hold true to your promise to him.”

“That’s what everyone says, so why does it feel that way for me?” I sigh. “Why am I having so much trouble reconciling what everyone else tells me and what my heart feels?”

She blows out a long breath. “I think it’s easier for us to say these things because we haven’t experienced the same loss you have but we want you to be happy. I lost my brother, and I feel it every day. It’s like there’s this missing piece of me. But I didn’t lose my life partner or the father of my child, and neither has anyone else in our circle. I can’t imagine the depth of your devastation. It’s not like you guys fought or the relationship turned sour. You guys loved each other deeply; you were happy. It’s not like you got to choose to end your relationship. That has to leave deep scars on your heart. You have to learn to exist without him, Hope. You have to learn to love again with those scars on your heart.”

“I’m tr-trying my best.”

“We know you are. But you need to stop getting in your own way. You’re allowed to live again, Hope. It’s what we all want for you. Wyatt would want you to. And whether that be with Ben or someone else, we all want you to be happy.” She pauses for a long while, and I think that’s the end of it. “If you need our permission to move on, you have it.”

It feels like the world falls out from beneath me, and I gasp in a breath, but there’s not enough oxygen inside the car. I rush to open my door to get more air into the car to help regulate my breathing. Cool air rushes over me, and it’s exactly what I need. I gulp in oxygen like I’m about to do a deep dive, filling my lungs with cool, fresh air. My eyes water, and I swallow past the thickness in my throat.

Is that what I’ve needed?

To know Wyatt’s family will accept me moving on with another relationship?

The thought hadn’t even crossed my mind, but the pressure that’s lifted from my chest makes me believe maybe it’s been lurking in the back of my mind. I know I want to keep my promise … my vow to my first love, but maybe my struggle has been compounded by my worry about their reaction to me moving on.

“Hope?” Clara sounds uncertain as she calls my name. “You gonna be okay? I can come over.”

I gather my composure. “I’m okay.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. Promise.”

“I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“I know.”

“For what it’s worth, we all like Ben, and I think Wyatt would like him for you and Evan.”

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