Page 17 of Everlasting Promises

I jump in. “I can do that. You and Grandad looked like you were having a great time.” I wink at my boy and grab the silverware. Once everything’s on the table, I collect enough plates and place them on the counter.

Tracey dishes everyone’s breakfast—no, brunch, since it’s almost eleven—and we carry our plates to the table. Everyone is quiet for a few minutes as we eat, and I feel I should break the silence, but I’m embarrassed. After six years, I should be coping better. Doing better. Being a better mom. I wonder what they really think of me.Do they worry if I’m taking proper care of their grandson?They’ve never come out and said anything directly to me, but I see their side glances, I hear their sighs, and I watch relief slide over their faces once a month when I drop Evan at their house for the weekend.

“Thanks again for coming over today.” I swallow roughly, fighting the tingle in my nose and sting behind my eyes. “I’m sorry I’ve let you down.” I look around the table at Wyatt’s family. “I realize I need to do better from now on. I promise …” I drop my eyes to my half-eaten food as my heart hammers. “I promise this is the last time you’ll have to step in to pick up the pieces.” I blow out a long breath and smile shakily at the peoplewho were so very important to Wyatt. The people who still are very important to Evan and me.

Mom slips her hand over mine and squeezes. “You haven’t let us down, honey. Far from it. We know how much you loved Wyatt, and none of us can imagine how heartbroken you are. Yes, we lost our son and Clara lost her brother, and by god, we’re devastated. But Wyatt was your future … Evan’s too, and that future was stolen from both of you in the most violent way. None of us begrudge you your tears and sadness, Hope.” When I look up at her face, all I see is empathy and love. “But we truly hope you can somehow find happiness again for your own sake.” Clara and Wyatt’s father, Graeme, nod in agreement.

“We love you so much, and we need you to come out the other side of this. Wyatt wouldn’t want you to still be so sad,” Graeme says gently.

I know losing their son has taken a toll on them—they aged almost overnight—so for them to say this to me must mean they’re desperate for me to climb out of my grief. I shrug. “I’m doing my best, but I’m going to try harder.”

Clara smiles softly. “You’ll get there, and we’ll be here for you every step of the way.”

8

HOPE

We pullup to the cemetery in three separate cars, so we can each go our own way after this visit. I grab the bottle of beer from the passenger seat and turn back to Evan. “You ready?”

“Do I get a choice?” he snaps.

I frown. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t wanna be here.He’snot here. It’s just a creepy, empty place.” He pats his heart. “He’s in here.” Then he touches the side of his head. “And here … mostly,” he murmurs the last word as he turns his gaze out of the window. “I hate coming here.”

God, I don’t know my son anymore. He used to always want to come here to talk to his dad. He’d tell him all about school and soccer, about his friends and what he was watching on TV. He’d make Lego cars and bring them along, showing them to the headstone with pride. I swallow around the lump that’s lodged in my throat. “I-I-I’m sorry. I had no idea.”

“You wouldn’t. I can’t talk to you about this stuff,” he snaps with venom, and my eyebrows shoot up my forehead.

“I’m sorry I’ve let you down the most, Ev.” I pause to look out the windshield. “If you wanna go, we can leave.”

He opens his door and climbs out, then ducks back inside. “We’re here now, and everyone’s waiting.” He slams the door and heads toward his aunt and grandparents, leaving me to feel like a steamy pile of shit.

With shaky hands, I open my door and climb out of the car. I’m not a fan of coming here myself. I hate the finality of the place. I hate seeing Wyatt’s name carved in the cold, unforgiving stone. I hate the permanence of it. But I come here out of respect for the love of my life. For the father of my son. For my best friend. Most of all, I come because I hate the idea of him always being here all alone.

I push away the hurt and the tears that threaten and follow everyone toward Wyatt’s final resting place. Clara drops back and weaves her arm through mine. “You okay?”

I smile tightly. “Not really.” No point lying. “But I’m going to work hard to do better.”

“You’re doing better than you give yourself credit for.” She tugs me in close. “I think you’re so brave,” she whispers. “I don’t know how I’d cope if I lost Ryan, and we’ve only been married for three years. I’d be completely devastated.”

Nobody understands my grief. How can they, unless they’ve experienced it for themselves? “I just miss him so much.”

“I know. I do too. He was the best big brother a girl could ever ask for. Sometimes I talk to him when I’m alone just to feel closer to him, but as each year comes and goes, I feel like my link to him has lessened. Ryan’s been amazing and has really helped me honor Wyatt’s memory in positive ways. I don’t think I’d be in the place I am today without him in my corner.”

I squeeze her tight. “I’m happy for you. Ryan is an amazing man.” I drop my voice as we stop in front of Wyatt’s grave. “Wyatt would have really liked him.”

She laughs. “Only after he’d kicked his ass.”

I chuckle too. “True.”

Tracey and Graeme fuss about, pulling out weeds and wiping down the headstone as I wrap my arms around my middle to hold myself together. I promised myself no more tears today, and I’m determined to keep that promise. Once they’re satisfied with everything, they sit on the grass and the rest of us join them. I open the bottle of beer and slowly pour it onto the grass for Wyatt.

“I’d really like it if we could all share a happy memory of Wyatt today,” Tracey says.

Graeme nods and a low chuckle escapes. “I’ll never forget my son’s face when he first laid eyes on you, Hope. He was only fourteen, but I could tell how much he liked you.” My heart skips at the memory and my somber smile widens.

“I thought he was so cute, even though I was only twelve and boys weren’t really on my radar.” I glance across at Evan and he screws up his face.

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