Page 59 of Everlasting Love

She smiles up at me. “Shane said I’m beautiful inside and out. He doesn’t say things that aren’t true.”

At five years old, she already has her bullshit meter fine-tuned. I wish I could say the same about myself. “Exactly. I would believe what he says, not what Jason or your daddy said.” And how sad is that? I’ve just told my daughter not to trust her father.

She smiles at me. “Do you think he’ll stay with us forever?”

I suck in a sharp breath as my heart drops to my gut at the hope in her eyes. “I don’t know, JJ.”

“I’ll make sure I’m a good girl so he doesn’t send us away like Daddy did.” She nods once and returns to her coloring, and I try to blink away the sting at the back of my eyes. She remembers so much more than I want her to. I thought she’d forgotten. I’dhopedshe’d forgotten. It’s bad enough that I remember. It’s horrific that a child her age remembers that her father didn’t want her anymore.

I swallow around the thickness in my throat. “I’m just going to the bathroom. Back in a sec.” I kiss the top of her head and leave the kitchen quickly to close myself inside the downstairs powder room. My tears break free, and I drop my head into my hands. My poor baby girl. No wonder she latched onto Shane. He’s done nothing but show her kindness and care. He’s been patient in ways her father never was.

Is that why I’m so attracted to him? Because he’s good to my daughter? I know that’s definitely part of it, but there’s something about Shane that calls to me. I know he’s hiding something dark from his time in the army. That he’s keeping secrets from all of us. Whatever they are, I’m compelled to learn everything about him, to help free him from whatever traps him on the periphery of life.

Splashing my face with cool water, I check myself in the mirror. I’m not going to be able to hide that I’ve been crying so I take a few extra moments to gather myself before I head back out to my little girl.

I stop short when I step into the kitchen to find Shane leaning over my book, coloring with Jas like it’s something he always does.

22

SHANE

I don’t knowthe last time I colored a picture, probably in kindergarten. Where Violet’s coloring is perfectly even within the lines, mine’s not so great, but when I came in to wash the empty cups, I couldn’t leave Jas sitting at the table on her own. I hear the door down the hallway open and close and prepare myself both mentally and physically to be in Vi’s presence once again. I didn’t think this idea through very well, and it’s going to be tougher than I ever imagined to keep my walls intact while I’m living in close quarters with Vi and Jas.

I waffle back and forth between crossing the lines from friendship to more and keeping my distance. Sometimes I feel like I’m ready, and then other times I feel undeserving. But Idoknow that in the moments when my resolve fails me, I feel free from my self-imposed burdens and I’m so close to throwing all caution out of the window and taking what I want.

Vi pauses in the doorway and it takes every ounce of my strength not to look up at her and stay focused on my task. I hear her breath hitch and my eyes travel upward without permission.The sight that greets me makes my heart pound like thunder and I grind my teeth. She’s been crying … again. Probably over that piece of shit ex. She raises her chin and pushes her shoulders back, and I can almost see her restoring her inner power. She’s a damn goddess.

“JJ, it’s time to pack away now. Let’s go brush your teeth and get ready for bed,” she says brightly, but I can hear the undertone of sadness coating her words.

“Okay, Mommy.” She packs her pencils into their case and closes her book. “Shane, are you still going to readThe Loraxto me?”

I stack the coloring books together and zip the case closed. “Of course. Let me know when you’re ready for me.”

Her smile is instantaneous as she cheers, and I want to make it my mission to only put a grin on her lips … never tears on her cheeks. She skips to Violet and slides her tiny hand into her mom’s and waves at me over her shoulder as she leaves the kitchen.

“That little girl just loves having your attention,” Rose says as she wanders into the kitchen.

“Well, that’s good because she deserves all the attention she gets.” I carry the girls’ cups to the sink and set about washing the dishes as Rose dries and puts them away. “I hope you don’t mind but I’m just going to check that all of the windows and doors are secure downstairs before I’m needed upstairs. It’s a force of habit.”

She steps past me and pats me on the shoulder. “You do what you gotta do to feel comfortable. I trust you.” Rose leaves the kitchen and heads upstairs not having a single clue what her words mean to me. How they build a scaffold around a deep crevasse inside of me. Tension evaporates from my shoulders knowing she trusts me, which is unbelievable considering what happened to her daughter because of my shitty decisions. Imethodically wander from room to room checking the windows and doors, ensuring the screen doors are also locked. I’m not sure what Rose and Vi normally do once Jas is in bed but it’s too early to go to sleep. I hear the water turn on upstairs and assume Rose is showering so I head upstairs to check the windows. While I was in the backyard with Jas earlier, I checked for any easy entry points but everything looked secure.

As I step closer to Jas’s bedroom, the girls’ soft voices break through the quiet. I don’t want to interrupt their time together but I’m drawn closer to the doorway so I can watch them. I’ve always admired how close Cass and Vi are with their girls, and it’s no wonder they’re great moms with a role model like Rose.

When I think back to my relationship with Mom, I remember how close we were. Dad always used to say I was a Mommy’s boy when I was younger. I took it as an insult and began to pull away, putting space between us, but I missed her. Things only grew worse when I enlisted and then returned home injured. Keeping my secret meant having to keep my distance so I didn’t inadvertently overshare. But there have been times when I could have used her comfort … times when I craved that connection again.

“Do you think Shane still wants to read me a bedtime story?”

I step from around the doorway. I never want this little girl to doubt that I’ll fulfill my promises. “Are you ready for your story, Angel?”

Her smile breaks free immediately as she nods. Violet brushes Jas’s hair away from her face with a soft smile, then leans down to kiss her forehead. Pressing their foreheads together, Vi whispers, “Remember that I love you more than all of the wildflowers on the earth.”

“Love you, too, Mommy.” Vi kisses the tip of her nose, then pushes up from the bed but Jas reaches out to grab her hand. “Stay and listen, too.”

“Okay.” Vi hands me the book and lays beside her daughter. The two of them lying snuggled together on Jas’s small bed make me ache for something I’ll never have but wish I could.

I take it from her and sit at the end of the bed. I flick through the pages, realizing the story is longer than I originally thought it would be. Reading the book, I do my best to put on the different voices for each of the characters in the story. I have to say, I’m not a fan of The Once-ler—seems like a bit of a dick. “…Give it clean water. And feed it fresh air. Grow a forest. Protect it from axes that hack. Then the Lorax and all of his friends may come back.” I close the book as I finish and when I look up, my breath stalls in my lungs. Jas is asleep with her little lips tipped up slightly and Vi is watching her as she strokes her hair softly, a look of serenity on her face.

I clear my throat quietly, stand, and place the book on the side table. “I’ll leave you to it. Good night,” I whisper into the quiet of the room.

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