Page 49 of Everlasting Love

Quinn turns to study him and the longer she observes, the more she nods. “Yep. I approve of that man from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet and everything in between. He seems very well-proportioned.” She wriggles her eyebrows up and down and we all break out into giggles like a bunch of high school girls at an all-girls school sleepover.

“I wouldn’t mind finding out one of these days,” I mutter.

Cass’s eyes widen. “Does this mean you’re actually gonna do something? It’s not just talk?”

I draw in a deep breath and push my shoulders back. “Yep. I just need to work out how to go about it.”

Cass and Quinn gesture for me to come in close and we huddle together. The two of them come up with a plan that I think may just work if I can dig deep enough to find my confidence. I mean I asked for what I wanted at the wedding, surely I can do it again.

“What are you ladies gossiping about?” Toby’s voice breaks through our planning and we pull apart like kids who have been caught eating the last cookie and putting the empty package in the pantry.

“Just making some sister plans,” Cass says breezily.

19

SHANE

Me

Do you need me today?

Toby

Nah, I’m going to hang with Daisy and work on some of the songs from last night when she naps

A couple of them needed some tweaks

Me

No problem, let me know if things change

Toby

*thumbs up*

I grabmy keys and head out the door. On the way toThe Bunker, I run through how incredible Violet looked last night and how difficult it was to keep from touching her. It seems since tasting her, my resolve to keep things platonic is shaky at best and I don’t know how to deal with it. I only have to look at herand my mouth waters like a trained response since sampling her at the wedding—almost like I can still taste her on my tongue. Even thinking about her now has me salivating and my cock thickening.

Pulling into the parking lot, I climb out of my car and instead of going in through the front doors, I head through the side gate so I can avoid talking to anyone. I’m not in the mood today. I want to get lost in some manual work without any interruptions and hopefully, being a Thursday will mean I have the place to myself. The workshop door is closed which is promising for a little solitude. Dragging open the heavy steel door, I breathe a sigh of relief when it’s dark. I pull the door closed behind me and switch on the lights, pushing up my sleeves as I make my way to the workbench.

Sifting through the collection of discarded bikes, I choose one and begin dismantling it, ensuring I put all of the parts into the tub so nothing gets lost. Turning on my favorite Spotify playlist, I get lost in removing the decals and sanding the frame but it doesn’t take long for my thoughts to return to Jasmine and Violet.

As I work with light, smooth strokes to remove the paint, I think about how sweet Jas is and what an asshole her father must be to have kicked his wife and daughter out. If Jas were my daughter, I’d do everything in my power to show her how much I loved and wanted her. I wouldn’t kick her and her mother out of our home; I’d hold them as close as possible. My blood boils and my hand begins to move in rough, heavy strokes over the steel frame as I think about the asshole who hasn’t reached out at all to his ex-wife and daughter.

What sort of man discards his family like that? A low-life piece of shit, obviously. My father may have mentally checked out on us, but he didn’t leave, so I guess I should be thankful for small mercies. I have to wonder, though, is it better for thefamily if a disinterested father walks away or is it better if he stays? Both will have a negative impact. My mind whirls through various scenarios ofwhat-ifsin my situation. How would life have been different for me and Mom if Dad had left or kicked us out? Would I be a different man than the one I am today?

Having him ignore me and Mom left deep fissures in my heart and on my soul. His behavior was the catalyst for years of self-doubt and created the belief that I’m not a good enough son. Would I still have that self-doubt if I’d grown up without him? Or would my wounds be different but just as painful? Would I still be questioning my ability to be a decent father and husband?

As I’ve grown older and watched Toby create a family, my thoughts have turned more toward the probability that I would be a shit father because that’s the role model I’ve had. But then, when I’m with the girls and Evan, I always want to give them the best version of me. I want to forget all the shit in my past and be present and engaged with them in the moment. The problem is that there are also many times when I get caught up in the past and check out for a while, which isn’t conducive to being a stable parent, further supporting my beliefs.

On the other hand, I look at Violet and Cassia whose father walked away and never looked back. Both women are strong, but there is a sense of loss and longing for something they never had. I watched Cass struggle with the fact that her father wouldn’t be there to walk her down the aisle like so many other women get to experience. And even though Cass and Vi’s bond with their mother is loving and strong, I’ve seen the way they watch Kate and Mr. S interact with longing looks. Their penchant for initially choosing assholes and being wary of Toby, who’s a decent guy also suggests some deep internal scars.

So, which is better?

I run my fingers over the smooth steel frame of the bike as I try to make sense of my thoughts. Grabbing a dry cloth, I wipe away the dust and smooth out a spot of rust at the base of the frame.

I don’t think either situation is ideal. A man needs to step up and be there for their family. End of story. And if he can’t be everything his family needs him to be, then he shouldn’t contemplate being a father in the first place. Simple.

The door bangs against the workshop as I wipe away the dust I just created and when I look up, Nix is striding inside. He tips his chin. “Hey.”

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