Page 42 of Everlasting Love

My heart thumps heavily at the mention of Violet’s name and like Pavlov’s dog, my mouth waters at the memory of her coming on my tongue last night.

Of her sighs and moans.

Of the look on her face when I walked away.

And if I breathe in deeply enough, I swear I can still smell the scent of her sweet arousal.

I fucked up so badly.

I’ve probably destroyed the friendship we’ve slowly built over the last two years, and if I have, I’ll be left adrift without Violet and Jasmine to anchor me. I hate to admit that even though I don’t see them all that often, I’ve come to depend on havingthem in my life. I know I don’t deserve them, but that knowledge hasn’t stopped me from dreaming about more.

The outer door slides closed, and I’m ripped from my thoughts. Toby saunters in with Poppy and takes his coffee from Cass with a kiss. “Poppy wants to get down there. She already has a plan of what she wants to see today.”

Cass signs to Poppy as she speaks, “You need to have a snack first. Sit with Daisy and have your juice and fruit, please. Then we’ll start our adventure.”

Poppy nods excitedly, signing, “Okay.” Then, she heads straight for the small table and her sister.

I roll onto my back,exhale a long breath, then throw the covers off. Climbing to my feet, I slip through the sliding door to the balcony. The park is quiet with limited lights illuminating the grounds for security purposes. Most people were respectful of Toby today with only one couple stopping to ask for a selfie. Fans tend to give him his space when he’s with his family which is always unexpectedly considerate. Some days I still have trouble wrapping my head around how much Toby has changed from the boy I knew in high school. I’m so damn proud of the success he’s achieved. He has no trouble going after what he wants and working toward his goals.

He’s living his best life. Especially now he has Cass and the girls.

While I’m just going through the motions.

I’ve done a lot of work on my mental health since the explosion and losing Wyatt, but some days I feel as though I’m standing still. I may not feel as undeserving of my survival as I once did but my progress has definitely stalled, and sometimesI feel as though I’m going backward. But mostly, it feels like I’m wasting the chance I’ve been given.

I just don’t know how to take those final steps to feel worthy when I’ve made so many damn mistakes and let so many people down. The task feels impossible. It feels too heavy.

Could it be possible to break through the final barrier that’s holding me back? To go after what I truly want.

My mind automatically flies to the woman who is never far from my thoughts. Can I be the man who deserves Violet and Jasmine?

Standing in the darkness, I wonder … am I ready. Will I ever be ready?

Sometimes I think I am, but then I go and do a dick thing like I did last night. It would have been the perfect opportunity to demonstrate to Violet that I care for her more than what I showed. But would she want me if she knew about my past and how I’m not the man she thinks I am?

Pushing away from the railing, I step inside and make my way to the mini bar. I study the selections Toby organized to have on hand and settle on a bottle of my favorite bourbon that he always stocks for me, then grab a glass to take back to my room. Padding back across the thick carpet, I quietly close my bedroom door and take a seat in the club chair near the window. Pouring a couple of fingers, I tip the glass to my lips, and take a drink, enjoying the warmth as it slides down my throat.

When I think about when things began to improve for me, it was when I met Vi and Jas. I know it seems cheesy but they brought color back into my world. Jasmine’s sweet and trusting nature melted me from the very first moment she turned her smile on me, and the connection I felt to Violet the minute I laid eyes on her knocked me flat on my ass. I’ve done my best to keep some boundaries in place but the girls have been slowly wearing me down at every turn in the same way the waves shapethe coastline. It’s been a gradual process and hardly noticeable as it’s happening but when I look back, the change is obvious and I wonder how I missed it.

But can I trust myself to keep Violet and Jasmine safe?

Or will I end up hurting them? Or putting them in a vulnerable situation?

I wouldn’t survive if anything happened to either of them. IknowI wouldn’t. The devastation would be too great. I barely survived losing Wyatt. My entire body shudders and my stomach twists at the notion of a world without the girls who have grown to mean so much more to me than I ever intended. I swallow the rest of the bourbon and refill my glass as I contemplate a millionwhat-ifquestions.

I grab my phone, pull up Violet’s number, and hover my thumb over the green button ready to confess my feelings to her.

To tell her that I need her.

How much I want her.

Tipping my head back to look at the ceiling, I close my eyes with a frustrated growl and toss my phone to the bed. She deserves better than a long-distance confession in the middle of the night fueled by alcohol-induced bravado.

Doesn’t mean I don’t still want her.

Spreading my legs out in front of me, I run my tongue over my bottom lip, imagining her taste is still there. My cock wakes as I close my eyes and relive the events of last night. The way Violet took the first step and pressed her soft lips to mine.

She’s always so damn brave.

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