Page 103 of Everlasting Love

Everyone says hello, chats for a while, and then Hope tells Evan it’s time to leave for soccer practice, leaving me and Violet in awkward silence with Toby. He makes no move to strike up a conversation, but after knowing him for as long as I have, I can read the hurt in his body language.

Violet glances between us, implores me with her eyes to open up to my friend, then jabs her thumb over her shoulder. “I’m gonna call Jas to see how her day was.”

As soon as she leaves and we’re alone, Toby lowers his ass into the chair next to my bed. He drops his head into his handsand grips his hair. After a long while of silence, he raises his head and his tortured gaze locks onto me. Fuck, I’m an asshole.

“I need to know why you didn’t have faith in me. In our friendship.”

I huff and shake my head, frowning. “It wasn’t that I didn’t have faith in you. I didn’t have faith inme.”—I thump my chest—“I was broken beyond repair.” I swallow thickly and turn away from him, I can’t look at him as I make my confession. “I didn’t want to survive. I was so broken mentally and physically, that I wanted to die. I was so pissed that I’d survived the blast and a good man with a wife and son died. I had no one waiting for me at ho?—”

Toby stands suddenly, pushing his chair back. “I”—he points at his chest—“was waiting for you. I loved you then, and I love you now. You’re like my brother, and it fucking guts me that you clearly don’t think of me the same way.”

I push up—thank fuck I actually have clothes on today—to stand, balancing on one leg. “Idothink of you as my brother, but I was ashamed that I’d sunk so low. You were so damn proud of me when I enlisted and left for Basic. Your entire family was.” I huff. “I failed in the worst way possible over there. I didn’t know how to come back here and see the disappointment on everyone’s faces. It was bad enough coming home and having to face Hope and Evan, knowing their husband and father didn’t make it when I did. It should have been me, Toby.” I drop my voice to a murmur. “It should havefuckingbeen me.”

Toby drops his hand to my shoulder. “I don’t believe that for a second. Look, obviously, I wasn’t there but I know you well enough to know that if you could have prevented your friend’s death, you fucking would have. The circumstances were out of your control, therefore, it wasn’t your fault. Iknowyou would have done anything in your power to ensure he came home in one piece to his family.”

“How can you say that? Look at what happened to Cass and Sam because of my poor decision-making. They could have been killed because I refused to listen to you.” I slam my fist against my sternum, then run my hand over my hair, gripping the short strands. “Ifucking knew better,” I say sarcastically. “I don’t know how you can even look at me.” My chest rises and falls rapidly, my breaths shallow.

Toby looks at me as though I’m a stranger. “What the hell are you talking about? As if either of us had a clue about Jake’s state of mind. Last time I checked you can’t see the future, man. Have you really been blaming yourself all this time?” He’s completely puzzled.

I narrow my eyes at my long-time friend. “Of course I’m to blame. I don’t know how you all look at me with anything less than contempt.”

He digs his hands into his hips and shakes his head. “How?” He studies me closely and as I open my mouth, he holds up his hand to stop me. “I’ve heard some bullshit in my time, but that takes the cake, Shane. The blame for Jake’s behavior lies solely at Jake’s feet, and I’m guessing the same could be said for what happened as a result of the IED. I know for a fact that your friend’s death wouldn’t have been your fault either.” He slides his hand through his long blond hair. “Look, I’m truly sorry your friend didn’t make it. I really am. Losing any life is devastating but losing a friend … I can’t imagine the pain in your heart. But I’m fucking grateful that you came home to us, broken or not. I don’t even want to think about the possibility of you never coming back.” His eyes are shiny when he looks up at me. “I think of you as a brother, man.”

The tension I always hold in my body slides away, leaving me feeling off-balance. I grip the back of his neck and pull him into me for a brotherly hug. “Me too, man. Me too.” I squeeze hisneck. “And for the record, after a shit load of therapy, I’m glad I made it home, brother.”

He grins at me, the sparkle returning to his eyes. “Promise me that you’ll let the blame go.”

I nod. “I mostly have … sort of.”

“And no more secrets?” he asks with wide eyes and raised brows.

I shake my head and chuckle. “No more secrets.” I pause and look him square in the eyes. “Maybe one more.” I wink.

“No. From now on you tell me everything. I won’t settle for anything less.” He slashes his hand through the air.

I sigh dramatically for effect. “Okay. Well … I’m going to ask Vi to marry me.”

He bursts into loud laughter and slaps me on the shoulder. “Ah, man, that’s no secret. I knew it was coming, it was just a matter of when.”

“Shit! Do you think she knows?”

“She’s probably hoping more than anything. I’ve never seen you so gone over a woman in all the years I’ve known you, so I guessed it was coming. Have you spoken to Rose?”

I nod and shove my hands into my pockets, rocking back on my heels. “Yeah, I spoke to her last week. I don’t think I’ve ever been so nervous.”

“Why the hell were you nervous? Rose loves you. You have to know that.”

I drop my ass to the bed. Fuck, I feel tired. “It’s one thing to have your daughter dating a guy like me, it’s a completely different story to know you’ll be stuck with someone like me as a family member.”

“What the fuck do you mean,a guy like you? I’ve told you before, you’re the best man possible for Violet and Jas. Nobody will ever love and care for them the way you do.” He paces theroom, messing up his hair further. The agitation coming from him fills the room.

“It’s not like I had a great role model showing me how to be a good father and husband. And … well, my time away left more than physical scars.”

His posture softens and he steps in front of me. “I’ve watched you with my girls as well as with Jas and the few times I’ve seen you with Evan. You’re doing a great job. You give those kids everything they need. As far as being a husband, keep doing what you’re already doing with Vi. You’re killing it there too.”

“You really think so?”

“Absolutely and I bet Rose was fucking over the moon.”

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