Page 49 of Moonlit Kisses

“Not at all. Tell me about your childhood.” I guess it’s a fair question, but what will he think about the way I grew up?Will he think Mom did a terrible job?

The waiter interrupts us. “Are you ready to order?”

We glance at each other and chuckle. “My apologies. We haven’t looked at the menu. If you wouldn’t mind giving us a few more minutes? We’ll do that now.”

“No problem.” He leaves and we both study our menu.

The waiter returns after a few minutes, and we place our orders. I order the double cheeseburger with house cut Kennebec fries, the cheapest thing on the menu. While Martin orders the grilled NY steak with potato leek gratin, rainbow chard, and pan jus, the second most expensive item on the menu. I get paid once a month, so I need to be careful with how I spend my money. This meal will mean I have to be more careful for the rest of the month.

Once the waiter’s gone, Martin turns his attention back to me. “Tell me everything.” He raises his eyebrows and offers a smile.

I wrack my brain. Where do I start? What do I include? What do I leave out? I don’t want him to judge Mom harshly or think poorly of us. Glancing around me, I try to think of what to say. I don’t know why I didn’t think about this before I came tonight. Of course, he was going to ask me about my childhood and growing up. I can’t pick a spot to look at, my eyes darting everywhere as I work to gather my thoughts, but there’s too many to sort through. Maybe this was a bad idea?

Martin reaches across the table, laying his weathered hand over mine. “Perhaps that was too much. I only want to get to know you. I’m devastated I’ve missed so much of your life.” He blows out a heavy breath. His eyes, so much like my own, are full of regret.

Maybe I should ask a question of my own?

I fidget with the cardboard coaster on the table. “Do you mind if I ask you a question?”

“Of course not. As I said the other day, I’m an open book.” He gestures with his hands at the same time.

“Uhm … You … uh … seem really upset about not seeing me grow up.” I swallow. “But after Mom told you she was pregnant. You disappeared and left her to deal with the aftermath on her own. Mom left because you abandoned her and then her dad wanted her to abort me. She didn’t want to do that. She thought her only option was to run. I’m a little confused, to be honest.” I lick my dry lips and take a shaky sip of my beer.

Martin’s face falls and his shoulders slump. His eyes skate over the people around us and he runs his hands through his hair. It’s become a mess with all of his nervous attention. “I was nineteen.”

Not this. Anything but this. “She was seventeen,” I toss back.

He nods slowly. “I know. When I say I was nineteen, I say it to point out that I was a dumb kid.” He holds up his hand to stop me from interrupting. “Nicole was always too good for me. Even though she was two years younger than me, she was far more mature.” He takes another drink of his beer, draining it. He draws in a deep breath and blows it out. “I did. I disappeared. I’m not proud of my behavior. She came to me crying that she’d missed her period, so she took a pregnancy test. When she showed me the white stick with two pink lines. Well … let’s just say I didn’t handle it well.” He draws in a deep breath and rubs his hands down his face. “I blamed her. Shouted at her.” He shakes his head. “I’m embarrassed to tell you I cussed her out. Told her she was ruining my life and walked away.” He rests his elbow on the table and leans forward, rubbing his hand across his mouth. “It took me a few days to calm down and think through our situation. I loved Nicole. She was everything to me. Even though we were young, I couldn’t see my future without her in it.” I open my mouth to question his love, but he stops me with his palm facing me. “I know it doesn’t sound like I did, but I did. And I’ll circle back to the fact I was a dumb kid back then. Once I calmed down, I started thinking about what we could do. I was halfway through my apprenticeship to be an electrician, so I figured we could make it work. Things wouldn’t be easy, but so long as we were together, we’d be okay.”

The waiter interrupts with our meals. I’m not feeling all that hungry now. I want to leave. Hearing this is too difficult, and I don’t like what he’s told me so far. I don’t like this man at all.

I’m supposed to like him, right?

He’s my dad.

Neither of us touches our food. He draws in another deep breath. “I went back to see Nicole about a week after everything fell apart. She was gone. Her mother was devastated and her father beat the shit out of me. I ended up with fractured ribs and a broken collarbone, a smashed eye socket and broken nose.” He points to the crooked bridge.

A gasp escapes and I cover my mouth in shock. Oh my God!

He shrugs. “I deserved it. And probably a lot worse. I left without any answers that day and staggered home. I gave it a few days and then went back when Mr. Lewis wasn’t home. I hoped to have a better chance at getting information out of Nicole’s mom. But she had no idea where Nicole had gone. She’d disappeared into thin air.”

I nod. “I knew she’d left and not told anyone where she was going. She told me she didn’t know herself. She didn’t have a plan. Apparently, she kept driving until she felt she was far enough away. Mom cleaned out the money she’d saved from birthdays over the years to get her to Portland.”

Maybe if she’d held on a few more days, Martin and Mom would have sorted it all out.

Maybe things would have been different. But then I wouldn’t have had Jack as my stepfather and there would never have been Ethan. I don’t want to think about that. I loved Jack like a father and he loved me like a daughter. And Ethan. I loved my brother so much. It hurts thinking about them. About losing them.

I peer back up at Martin. His eyes appear glassy … and sad. Worry lines his forehead and he blows out a harsh breath. “I … I’m sorry. My immaturity back then has been my greatest regret. You probably hate me now, and I’m guessing I’ll lose you all over again.” He smiles, but it’s sad and full of defeat. His posture is that of a man who’s lost something he thought was guaranteed.

I return his sad smile and shrug. “I think I’m going to need a little time.” As much as I don’t like to waste food, because I know how hard it is to come by, I’ve lost my appetite and I don’t want to be here anymore. My skin is itchy and too tight. I need space away to work through everything I’ve learned tonight. “I’m sorry.” I point toward my plate of uneaten food. “I’m not usually wasteful, but I can’t eat this and I’d like to leave, if you don’t mind.”

He nods as though he was expecting me to walk away. “I understand. I’m truly sorry, Molly. For my actions back then and for everything we’ve both lost. If you give me the chance, I’ll make it up to you. I’ll be the man I should have always been for you. I’ll spend the rest of my days making it up to you. If you’ll allow me.”

“I … I think I need some time to think. Can you give me that?” A storm is swirling in my stomach and I’m fighting to contain everything this conversation has stirred up inside me. I need to get out of here.

“I can try. Only if I know there’s some possibility I haven’t truly lost you when I’ve only just found you.”

I give him a sad smile. “I can’t make promises, Martin. This. It’s … it’s been a lot.” I stand. “Bye, Martin.” I can’t bring myself to hug him. I don’t want to touch the man who caused Mom so much pain. I was young when she told me why I didn’t have a daddy, but I felt her pain. It rolled off of her in waves even though she tried to hide it from me. I spin and walk away quickly, unsure how my shaky legs will carry me.

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