Page 69 of Stolen Kisses

“Bye.” My hands automatically wrap around her as she hugs me tight. “You have fun at school, too.”

“I will. Bye, Theo.” I quickly wave, spinning on my heel to make my escape. Walking quickly down the street I admonish myself for still being attracted to the man. I wonder if I would give him a second chance if he apologized and explained his behavior to me? I’m not sure if I would. I’m at the age where I know how I deserve to be treated and what I want.

–theo–

Waking up at the ass-crack of dawn, I roll over, my eyes locking on the envelope sitting on my bedside drawers. I promised myself I would read Anna’s letter on the first anniversary of her death.

Today is that day.

September fifteen.

The day I’ve been dreading.

I quietly head downstairs to make myself a coffee. I’mgonnaneed it. Once I’ve filled my cup with the steaming goodness, I make my way back upstairs, collect the letter, and sit out on my deck. My eyes automatically find Emma’s window. I wonder how she’s doing? Kenny still sees her most days when they catch up at the park because she always sends the boys over to collect her on their way. I inherently know I wouldn’t be welcome, so I’ve stayed away, using work as an excuse.

I’m halfway through my coffee when I realize I’ve been procrastinating. I look at the letter resting in my lap as though it’s going to explode at any moment. What did my sister have to say to me? Placing my cup on the table, I take the plunge and tear open the envelope. Sucking in a deep breath, I unfold the paper and begin to read. I have to consciously release the tension that’s built in my body since I woke up this morning.

Theo,

Well, that sounds curt and not at all friendly.

I want to start by telling you how angry I am with you.

I drop the letter back on my lap. This is exactly what I was expecting. I’m not sure I’m ready for her wrath from beyond the grave. I drink the rest of my coffee as I contemplate if I’m strong enough to read her words. IknowI deserve her anger, but it’s one thing to know I deserve it and another to actually see it in print.

I needed you here with our family these past few months, but you never came. This battle has been hard on me and Dad—I wanted my brother to tell me things would be okay; Dad needed someone to share the load. You really let me—us—down.

But I want to say that I understand your reasons for staying away and after a lot of soul searching, I forgive you. You already watched one woman youlove die. I get that you couldn’t watch another.

As hurt as I am by your absence, I forgive you. Please remember that.

I look out to mybackyard, sucking in a harsh breath. She forgave me. I can’t believe it and I certainly don’t deserve it. I drop my eyes back to the sheet of paper with my sister’s feminine script. The swirls and loops she spent hours practicing when she was young.

“I really want to have beautiful handwriting, Theo.” She used to say when I’d ask her why she spent so much time writing and rewriting different phrases until she was happy with how they looked.

My lip kicks up on one side at the memory. It’s funny, I’ve been sharing stories about Anna with Kenny, but I forget the little things, like how she practiced her handwriting.

If I know you at all, I know you’ll be beating yourself up over your decision to stay away. Don’t. Don’t do that to yourself. It’s in the past and nothing can come from such destructive thoughts. It certainly won’t change the outcome. I need you to be strong and work your way through your grief and anger, so you’ll be emotionally available for my little girl. She’s going to need you.

I’m scared, Theo. Scared of what’s to come. Scared for Kenny. For her future. Clearly, this disease is in our family and I’m terrified I’ve passed it onto my daughter. I need you to promise me that you’ll make sure she gets checked for the gene when she’s old enough. The doctor I’m seeing said that the best age is between 20 and 25. Please promise me you’ll make sure she gets the tests done! I don’t want her to experience this.

I know you’re probably surprised I left Kenny in your care, but I know you’re the best person to give her everything she needs. I remember how protective you used to be of me and I want that for my baby girl. I trust you to keep her safe and to give her the love she deserves. I saw the way you looked at her when she was a baby—it was obvious how much loveyouhad for her then. Theo,she’s so incredibly easy to love and doesn’t really need much else. Just love her as though she’s your own—be her Daddy. Make her childhood happy, fill it with memories of good times—happy times—and love. Give her the experiences I no longer can. It’s such a beautiful privilege to give a child your unconditional love.

I need you to look out for Dad. He’s lost his wife and his daughter. It’s a lot; too much. He’s stoic and manages to push himself through each day, but he has deep wounds, too. He misses you, Theo, and doesn’t understand why you left us to live on the other side of the continent. Mend your relationship with him—you both need it.

Do it for me. Do it for you. Do it for Kenny.

One last thing, Brother. I know losing Mom was tough, I felt it too. I know it shaped us, affected us both deeply, and colored our perspective on life. You were particularly close with Mom and I know losing her changed you in ways Dad and I could never comprehend. I’m worried about how you’re going to cope when you lose me to the same disease. Please don’t let past hurts prevent you from grabbing hold of future possibilities. If someone special captures your attention, grasp onto her with both hands and don’t let go. Be happy!

Thank you for being my brother.

Love always,

your sister, Anna xxx

A tear drops onto the page, followed by another and another. Her words ripped out my heart and then put it back into my chest, a little less mangled than it was before.

She forgives me.

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