Page 63 of Stolen Kisses

“Do you mind stopping back here to pick it up?”

“Not at all.” He nods, then climbs into the passenger side of the truck.

“I can’t wait to tell Mommy all about my unicorn pancakes. They were so yummy. Then I can tell her about my new friends, Austin and Lachlan. I won’t be able to tell her about kindergarten yet, because I haven’t started.” Kenny rambles on about all of the things she’s going to share with her mom. Arriving at the cemetery, I unbuckle Kenny, grab the flowers with sweaty hands and we head in the direction of Mom and Anna’s final resting places, side by side.

We wander along the winding pathway, beneath the shady trees as Kenny skips alongside us. She spots the large Jacaranda tree that indicates the familiar location and sprints forward; Dad and Ifollowbehind. My sweet niece drops to her knees while I collect the vases to fill with water for the flowers. Dad and Kenny chat with Anna and Mom, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I’d rather keep myself busy;sowhile they chat, I pull the weeds around the headstones, clean them up, and arrange the flowers.

I catch the tail end of Kenny’s conversation with her mom. “Uncle Theo said he’d go to the store this week to get my birthday present, butPappoúshas something for me today. I’m so excited to open my presents. I think Emma, Austin, and Lachlan will give me a birthday present when they come over later. You know how much I love getting presents.”

I smile at Dad over the top of Kenny’s head, which he returns. “Kenny, I have a letter your mom wrote for you to open today.” I pull the envelope out of my back pocket. “Would you like me to read it to you?”

Her face lights up. “A letter for me?”

“Yep, just for you.” I don’t know how I’ll manage to read her words, but I need to give her this. I was speaking with Dad about the best way to give Kenny the letters. He was the one who suggested we visit the cemetery and read the letter here.

“Can you read it to me now?”

I nod. Slowly, I slide my finger under the seal, then pull out a folded sheet of light-blue paper. I swallow and take in a deep breath to center myself.

“Are you ready?” I look at Kenny as I unfold the letter. She nods, eyes wide and waiting. I look toward my father for reassurance that I can do this.

He tilts his head to the side. “You’ve got this.” He nods toward the paper. “Go ahead.”

Kenny sits herself on my lap, and I secure her to me with one arm, holding the letter shakily in my other hand. I’m not sure if I’m holding her for her benefit or mine.

“Okay, here goes …

Happy Birthday, Baby Girl

You’refivetoday!

I hope today is so much fun for you and that your Uncle Theo andPappoúsmake your day special. Make sure you wear your best dress and eat loads of cake!

I remember when I first brought you home from the hospital, you were so tiny and I was so scared I’d mess something up. You looked up at me with your big eyes, trusting me to care for you and to keep you safe. I knew I would do anything for you, Kenny.”

I swallow down the lumpin my throat.

“When you first slept through the whole night, I think I must have gotten up to check on you at least five times. I got less sleep those first few nights than I did when you were waking up to be fed. But I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I loved being the one that gave you everything you needed.

You were such a beautiful baby, so happy and easy to please. So long as you could see me and hear my voice, you would always settle. You would giggle like crazy when Iwould tickleyour tummy, kicking your little legs all over the place. Your big smile would light up my days.

I loved holding you close and watching you when you were tiny. Even as you grew bigger, I would sometimes watch you sleep—you were always so peaceful. Your little eyelashes would flutter as you dreamed and your lips would turn up in a gentle smile. Always keep smiling, Kenny, my beautiful girl.

I wish I was there with you to share this happy day. I’m sorry I’m not, but I am watching over you—always! I’m in the sun, the stars, the wind, and the rain. Look for me—I’ll always be there.”

I have to pause. This is so fucking hard to do. To say these words to Kenny. Words that her mother bravely wrote knowing she wouldn’t be here today. I don’t know how she did it. I draw in a deep breath and let it out so I can get through the last part of the letter, blinking back the tears that are fighting to escape, I start again.

“I love you so much, Baby Girl. I want you to always remember that. Have a happy day and a fun time at kindergarten.

Love you more than all the butterflies,

Mommy

kiss, kiss, hug, kiss, kiss, hug.”

Kenny takes the letter from my hand, her little fingers tracing over her mother’s script, especially the kisses and hugs at the bottom of the page. “One day, I’ll be able to read Mommy’s letter all by myself. You’ll see.”

“Oh, I know you will, Munchkin.” I run my hand down her long, silky hair. When I look across to Dad, I catch him wiping his finger beneath his eye. I may sound like an asshole, but I’m glad I’m not the only one that got choked up over Anna’s words. We spend a little more time, then make our way back to the parking lot where Dad left his car.

---