Page 21 of Stolen Kisses

She turns her back on me and proceeds to retrieve Austin from the back seat. She’s struggling to manage in her fury, but there’s no way in hell she’ll ask me for help after that tirade.

“Do you need some help?”

“Nope.” She manages to get him out of the car, slamming the door closed with her hip and storming inside without a second glance at me. Through it all, I can’t stop the smile from spreading across my face. Yeah, she’s spectacular. Walking back inside, I go over the new information I have.

I have a spring in my step now that I know she’s single.

* * *

“Hi, Son. How are things going with you and Kenny?”

“Hey, Dad. Good. We’re getting intotheroutine of school and getting used to each other.”

“That’s great to hear. I was hoping to pop around this morning. I, uh, have something that Anna left for Kenny that I want to give to you.” I swallow down the lump that immediately forms in my throat at the mention of my sister’s name. “I would prefer to give it to you while Kenny’s at school.”

I wonder what it is? “Sure, Dad. I’m out at the moment. I should be home …” I check my watch. “byten.”

“Okay. See you then.”

I make it home with minutes to spare. I wanted to get a new section of gutter to fix the portion Austin pulled down when he fell. I also had to buy matching paint. I’ll probably end up painting all of the gutters because the new paint will look slightly different from the rest and that’ll annoy the shitouttame every time I look across at her house. As I’m climbing out of my truck, Dad pulls in behind me.

“That was good timing. Wanna come in for a coffee or are you in a rush to get to the restaurant?”

“I’ve got some time.” He grabs a box from the passenger seat and follows me inside. It’s the first time he’s been here, so I give him the tour. I catch his smile as he looks into Kenny’s newly decorated bedroom. We make our way into my kitchen, the dishes from this morning still in the sink.

I add two heaped teaspoons of finely ground coffee and two teaspoons of sugar to thebriki, stir, then add the right amount of cold, filtered water. As I put thetraditional coffee potonmedium heat, I ask Dad, “So what did you bring over for Kenny?” I stir the mixture until all the coffee is dissolved, then stop.

“I’ll show you once you sit down.” The foam’s beginning to form and the beautiful aroma of coffee fills my kitchen. I don’t generally go to the trouble of making our traditional coffee, but I thought I’d show Dad that I’m not completely useless in the kitchen. As the foam reaches the top of the pot, I turn off the heat and share the foam between the two cups, then make sure to share the coffee grains evenly without disturbing the foam.

Placing the cups on the table, one in front of my father, I realize my shoulders are stiff as I hold my breath, awaiting his approval. He studies the cup in front of him, takes a sip, then smiles at me. “A good brew, Son.” He nods in approval, releasingthe tension I was holding. He pushes the box he brought with him toward me. “Open it.”

With trepidation, I drag the box forward. It’s only the size of a shoebox, but whatever’s inside is going to be important to Kenny. I take a sip of my coffee for fortitude and then with trembling hands, I open the lid. The box is filled with dozens of letters. As I look through the first few envelopes, my breath seizes in my lungs at the sight of my sister’s neat cursive script. Eachletter is lovinglylabeled with Kenny’s birthdays. I look up to my father.

“How many did she write?”

“One for every birthday until she’s twenty-one, graduations from school and university, first boyfriend, first heartbreak, first job, marriage, first baby.” I flick through the sheets of paper which undoubtedly hold words of wisdom only a mother can share with her daughter. My throat grows tight and I have to blink several times to hold back the stinging in my eyes. How fucking difficult would this have been for my sister to do. To know you won’t be around for your baby for these milestones? I always knew Anna had a quiet strength about her, but this … this is unbelievable, even for her. “She wanted Kenny to have something for every major event. Right at the bottom are some small gifts for graduation, her twenty-first, and her wedding day.”Fuck!

Dad’s bottom lip trembles as atear escapes, tracking down his weathered cheek. The guilt I feel at not returning home to support him and my sister through her final months is overwhelming—suffocating me, drowning me. “I’m so sorry, Dad. Sorry for my selfishness! For leaving you to deal with everything. For not coming home when I should have. I … I just … couldn’t go through it again! It was too much. But now I see how unfair, how cruel I was to you, to Anna, to Kenny. I’m so fucking sorry, Dad.” My tears fall as if to punctuate my words, to highlight my pain.

My father, always stoic, stands and wraps me in his embrace. “It’s okay, Son. We understood your reasons. You took your mother’s death very hard. I understood.”

“It’s not fucking okay. It’ll never be fucking okay that we lost the most important women in our lives to that fucking disease! That I let you down,again.” I pull out of his embrace so I can stand and pace. I’ve got so much anger and hate bubbling up inside of me, I don’t know what to do with myself. “It’s not fucking fair. They were good people, kind people. They didn’t deserve to die so young. We didn’t deserve to lose them! My sister shouldn’t have had to write all of those letters to her daughter for moments she’ll never be able to share. Kenny doesn’t deserve to be motherless! I don’t deserve to be motherless! You didn’t deserve to lose your wife! Your daughter!” I stand in silence, my chest heaving as I look across my backyard to my workshop. Lost in thought, for I don’t know how long, I jump when my father’s hand makes contact with my shoulder.

“You’re right, Theo. It isn’t fair, but we can’t change what’s happened. We need to make sure that Anna remains a solid part of Kenny’s life.” He points at the opened box on the table. “Those letters and gifts will help do that. Us sharing stories about her mother will help do that. I’m so grateful that we have Kenny; she’s part of Anna—her legacy. Just as you and Anna were your mother’s legacy. I saw your mother in you and your sister every day. I see Anna in Kenny every time I look at her. Her quiet strength. Her kindness. Her friendliness. No matter where we went, Anna always came away making a new friend. Kenny is very much the same.”

My shoulders slump forward and I tuck my hands in my pockets, contemplating his words. I’m having a tough time reconciling that our women were stolen from us too soon and as a result, two children grew up motherless. That history is repeating itself and another child is going to grow up motherless. “I am beyond grateful that we have Kenny, don’t get me wrong. But I want Mom and Anna, too.” I shrug my shoulders. “Call me selfish, but I want all of them. Here. With us. Where they belong.” I point at the floor between us,as if that will magically provide a space for their return.

“I know, Son. I wish for that too. But we can’t spend our lives wishing for the impossible. We have to live for who we have left. She needs us. Now more than ever.”

I nod, begrudgingly accepting his words as the truth they are. He pats me on the back. “I’ll leave you to your day. There’s a letter at the back of the pile for you. Read it when you’re ready.” I don’t respond. I can’t. I can’t imagine what she wrote in those letters. Each and every one different forthespecial times in her daughter’s life. The daughter she’ll never see grow up.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to read her letter to me. Will it be full of anger and hatred that I didn’t come home in her final months, weeks, days?

The front door bangs behind my father and I’m alone with my thoughts. A fucking dangerous place to be. I head outside myself, needing to keep busy. I’ve got the perfect task!

* * *

“Uncle Theo, why are you painting Emma’s house?” Kenny asks from her position on the grass next to the ladder. As soon as I picked her up from school, we came over so I could finish the job I started this morning. It didn’t take much to install the new gutter which I suppose I could have painted tomorrow, but I wanted to get it started today. I need to put the primer on, so I can paint all of the gutters tomorrow.

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