Page 102 of Legendary

“No. I won’t. I’m done coddling you. You need to tell me what you’re feeling or what’s happening is only going to get worse.”

I placed my hand on the side of my head and nearly bit down on my tongue, needing the pressure of my thoughts to go away. It hit me all at once now. That light I created seemed so far away. Jonah. All those sentries that died. So many secrets. The darkness closed in as if it was a dance. A dance fated to ruin me and revolt against anything other than the pain I felt.

I did this. You did this. I did this.

You weren’t good enough. You did this. No hero.

My body started shaking over and over again. The darkness hissed from the interruption. I was turned around onto my back. Her body leaned over mine, her eyes were wide and alarmed. “Nick! You can’t let it take over. You have to talk to me!”

My mouth was dry, and my throat felt like it was shrinking. “Nick! You have to fight it and just stop holding it in. Talk. To. Me.” She gave me one last hard shake and I felt it as my body hit the bed again. I removed her hands from my arms and lifted myself up and back so that my back hit the headboard. Her brown eyes waited for me to speak, they looked desperate to hear my response.

“I don’t know what to tell you Dani. I’m sorry I’m not strong enough to push back, just leave me alone and just fucking let it happen.”

“You need to say this shit out loud, Nick. If and why you’re sad, scared, angry, nervous…all of it! You need to do what I’ve been pleading for you to do. You’ve let something else in and it’s tearing you apart because of your own self-deprecating behavior and now you need to let someone else in to help you find your way out.”

I pressed the heels of my hands into my eyes. It wouldn’t shut up. It feltlike it was right in my ear. Blinking started to be something I couldn’t do when flashes of Jonah’s dead body ran across my mind.

I did this. You did this. I did this.

You weren’t good enough.

“I can’t.”

“You can.”

I lifted my head towards the ceiling. So, so tired. “I can’t.”

“Nick…”

“I CAN’T! I CAN’T! I CAN’T!” I screamed, pushing off the bed, my whole body was vibrating that it made it difficult to stand still. I wanted to pull my fucking hair out, I wanted to punch something. I wanted too—

I didn’t want to not feel like this anymore.

Dani tentatively got off the bed, taking small steps towards me. I towered over her but at this moment I felt small and useless. It was like every single bone in my body wanted to break and there was nothing I could do to repair it, so I was forced to watch it crumble into something no self-respecting angel could live with. She didn’t touch me. She simply stood by me and steadied her breathing, probably hoping I would try to match it. “Nick.” She said my name in this voice that had me wanting to release the tension from my shoulders. “Maybe not all at once, but piece by piece. Can you do that?” Her words were slow and easier to follow than the rapid things going on in my head.

I swallowed the lump that had settled in my throat. And I tried to push the negative thoughts down enough, just enough to give her a fraction of what she wanted. I nodded, every dip of my head feeling like too much weight at one time. “Jonah died.”

Her eyelashes fluttered as she blinked a few times. “I know.”

“In my arms.”

“Yes.”

I raised my palms up and I could see Jonah lying there as I sat on the ground, taking his last breath. I could see the dark waves starting to waft off of my skin. It was the first time their presence had made themselves known to me. “H-he was right here. R-right in my a-arms,” I stuttered, closing my eyes tightly and peeling them open again, hoping that the visual would be gone, but it was only much more vivid now. I shook my head, frantic to remove it.

I did this. You did this. I did this.

“I can’t do this. I’m s-sorry,” I apologized, backing away from her.

She took the same number of steps forward. “No, no, Nick. Keep going. It will keep pressuring you to stop, but don’t stop. Tell me more.”

I let out a shaky breath, licking my lips. “I thought so badly about him. I thought the worst and it wasn’t him. He wasn’t the bad guy. He died always thinking the best of me and I had a small moment of thinking the worst of him.” She nodded, telling me to keep going.

I ran both my hands through my hair, keeping them there. “I shouldn’t have let him die. I watched him die. He died. His blood was on my hands. All of it. All of their blood. Fuck.Fuck.” I remembered slashing through angels I’d gone to school with, angels that at the moment I didn’t remember their names but if I had been given time it likely would have come to my mind. “I killed so many of them. They’re all dead. Dead. Because of me. I didn’t even give it a second thought; I just killed them. They’re dead.” I repeated my thoughts. Every moment, every feeling I recollected came back stronger and started to rip at my chest. It burned and pulsed. Sharp breath after sharp breath left my lungs.

“All their blood is on my hands, Dani.” I lifted up my palms to show her what I could see as bloody, dripping with the dark red liquid, but her eyes fluttered from one hand to the other as if she didn’t see anything. She didn’t look at me like I was insane though, she looked at me like she understood. “I wasn’t enough. I’m a monster for it. I didn’t think, I didn’ttryto think. Jonah died thinking I could make things better, but I can’t. My father thinks that I can make things better, but I fucking can’t. I’m not the one who makes things better! I let them all fucking die!”

She took another step towards me, but I backed up again. I turned around to face the wall. “So many secrets. Jonah, my mother, parts of my head are fucked up and it’s all so much. It’s one thing after another and I have to push through to be better than what I did, what I let happen.”

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