Page 54 of Desperate Desires

“I'm sure it wasn't your fault, Doc.”

“It wasn't, but that doesn't make it better. I mean, I did my job. I did everything I could to save him, but my efforts were in vain. Didn’t stop me from trying, though,” she said, meeting my eyes. “I don’t think you are a bad man, Ono Bottarelli.”

“You can’t know that.”

“I do know that,” she said and nodded her head.

I should have corrected her, but I wasn’t stupid. I couldn’t tell her I was a murderer, but I wanted her to keep talking.

“How do you deal with it? With your patients’ deaths?” I asked.

Her face fell, and I wanted to kick myself for asking.

“Look, I’m sorry. You don’t have to talk about that,” I muttered.

“No, it’s okay. It is a good question, and people don’t normally ask. I mean, everyone assumes doctors and surgeons are all unfeeling like we’re just robots. Truth is, I’m not sure if I want to stay in surgery. I mean, I like it, and it’s a great opportunity but,” she said and paused.

“But what?”

“Well, I helped develop a helmet for Micky’s son and it was so interesting. I know it would mean spending more time on lab work than on treating patients, but I really liked it. And well, I haven’t told anybody this, but I think I really like the idea of helping children by making medical devices better for them specifically.”

“You mean like biomedical engineering?”

“Exactly! I would love to be able to develop medical devices specifically needed for babies and children.”

“Why can’t you do both? Be a doctor and work with engineers?”

“Well, my hospital doesn’t have a lab like that, and definitely not one dedicated to pediatric devices. Plus, I moved here just to be close to that hospital, so I don’t really want to try to find another one right now that might not be as conveniently located. Anyway, as for dealing with deaths, I actually got some good advice from the father of a friend,” she said, and grinned.

“Yeah?” I asked and clenched my jaw to stop the surge of jealousy rising in me. “What did he say?”

“He told me there are just some things in life beyond anyone’s control. I think he was talking about his feelings for his wife, but I applied it to how a patient does after surgery. I can only control the part I do, not the part where the patient’s body needs to respond to the treatment. But I’ll tell you a secret,” she whispered conspiratorially, and I inched closer, eager for it, “that’s been the toughest thing about being a doctor. Admitting that I don’t have control over some things.”

I knew exactly how she felt as I stared into those big, brown eyes of hers and felt my heart run away with me.

“Who was the friend’s dad?” I asked, curious.

“My friend Annabella’s dad. Oh, well, you know her brother, Jr.”

“Nico Fury told you that?” I asked, shocked.

“Mm hmm. He’s kind of an honorary uncle. Well, they all are,” she confessed and named some of the biggest, baddest motherfuckers around.

“That’s some family, Bellezza. I better watch myself, huh?” I told her, smiling at the blush I saw darkening her cheeks.

“Damn straight. Seriously, though, I also have an aunt. Aunt Agnes. She’s my father’s sister. She raised me when my parents died. Or, well, the nannies did. Anyway, she sent me to a good school, and that was where I met Micky.”

“She nice?”

“Aunt Agnes? Um, not really. She never liked kids. Certainly never liked me,” she murmured.

“I’m sorry, Doc,” I said, my heart hurting for her.

“No, I’m lucky. The entire Volkov Clan kind of adopted me when Micky brought me home and declared I was her best friend. Aunt Agnes didn’t matter. I had family, Ono. I was loved.”

“You are loved,” I whispered, unsure of what I meant right then.

She just took it to mean the Volkovs and smiled and I allowed it for now.

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