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I know now how wrong I was.

Or at least I thought I knew.

Yesterday, I wanted to tell you to forget the damn yoga studio and move in with me. I don’t care if you work or don’t work, make a fortune or never earn another penny, I just want to share a life with you. Just like that day in the hospital, I knew that if I so much as opened my mouth to breathe, that’s what I’d say.

So once again, I found myself saying nothing when I should have said everything.

Why?

I don’t know.

Maybe I’m still trying to be a savior, still trying to sacrifice myself to make your life better…

Just like I knew you’d sacrifice your life for me after the accident…

I mean, a whole damn business fell into your lap and I’m supposed to say, nah, forget that. Move in with mewhere all you have is a temporary job teaching yoga once a week…

And as soon as I write that, every cell in my body, every atom in my soul screams YES! YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID THAT!

Fuck me for not having the stones to say it when it mattered.

And fuck the universe and its nudges because this can’t be the way things are supposed to turn out.

It’s supposed to be me and you together, Charlie. I knew it the instant I saw you. That’s her. That’s the one. That woman, with all that energy and vitality, she’s MY LIFE.

I stayed quiet when I should have said all of that to you and I’m terrified I’ve fucked it up… AGAIN!

Dad and Uncle Lucas’s retirement party is tomorrow, and I both can’t wait to see you and am nervous about seeing you. On the one hand, we’ll be surrounded by people, so it’ll be easy and casual, but on the other, I don’t know how to not be real with you.

We’re beyond that, aren’t we?

Fake small talk…

Avoiding the deep truths that ultimately are the only things that matter…

You’re my person, Charlie. You always have been. And I want to be yours. But I don’t know how to move forward when I’m so afraid of holding you back.

Maybe that’s why I’m writing this letter, even though I know you’ll never read it. It’s easier to put these words here than to look into your eyes and say them out loud. Because if I say them, I can’t take them back. And if I lose you… I don’t know what I’ll do.

I guess I’ll know more after tomorrow.

Nick

FORTY-SIX

Nick

I stare into the mirror, and I barely recognize the man looking back. My eyes are shadowed, my jaw tight, my expression a mix of regret and exhaustion.

My phone buzzes, the vibration sharp in the silent bathroom.

I pull it out to find Charlie’s name on the caller ID and frown. I’m supposed to pick her up for Dad and Uncle Lucas’s retirement party in a couple hours. Something about the timing of the call feels ominous.

“Hey, gorgeous,” I say, cringing at how forced I sound.

“Hi, Nick.” There’s a pause and then, “I’m sorry to do this last minute, but I don’t think I can go tonight. I’m just not feeling up to it.”

I glare into the mirror at the wounded man staring back at me. “Are you okay?”

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