Page 54 of Free

Although…

A lot has changed in the last year so…

That’s what I need to apologize for

Or at least explain

Charlie

I sit up in bed, my heart pounding as the glare from the phone screen illuminates my face like a spotlight. Nick wants to apologize? To explain? I’m shocked speechless, something that’s been happening more and more lately. I watch the bouncing bubbles that mean he’s typing a message, my heart and stomach bouncing along in time.

Nick

After the accident, before I’d been located, I don’t remember a lot of what happened to me

What I do remember is you

Talking to you in my head, promising I’d make it home to you

You were the only thing keeping me sane

You, Charlie

The air leaves my lungs in a rush, my hand flying to my mouth as tears sting my eyes. This is the closest Nick has come to talking about what happened to him during that week—seven days of hell, where no one knew if he was alive or dead. I clutch the phone tighter, waiting as the bubbles reappear.

But when I finally made it back, everything felt broken

They told me I wouldn’t return to active duty

That I’d have to rebuild myself, my life, everything

And when you came to see me at the hospital, you were ready to stick around for all of it

But I couldn’t see a version of me that wasn’t a ghost of the man I used to be

I didn’t want you stuck with that ghost

I loved you too much for that

I swipe at tears shimmering in my vision and put myself into his shoes. My heart breaks for him all over again.

I understand all that. I do. And thank you for talking to me about it

But, with all the respect in the world, that wasn’t your decision to make

I was trying to protect you

I knew if I explained that you wouldn’t listen

Maybe I wouldn’t have

But at least I would have understood

The line between anger and understanding is so thin, I can barely see it. My chest aches with the weight of what we’ve been through, of everything that’s been left unsaid.

I’m sorry, Charlie. So very sorry. I should have been honest with you then. To make up for it, I’m going to be honest with you now

The little bubbles reappear, and my heart pounds in anticipation.

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