Page 23 of Free

It’s been almost two weeks since I saw you at your almost wedding and…

…how do I put this lightly?

I wasn’t prepared for what seeing you would do to me.

I thought, you know, after a year without you, my feelings for you would have faded. Time and distance were supposed to make it easier, right?

I’ve never been more wrong.

If anything, my feelings have grown stronger. You’re so beautiful. And so smart. And funny and you don’t takeshit. You’re just awesome, Charlie. So fucking awesome. And God, I’ve missed you.

You told me once that language isn’t strong enough to express emotion, and I thought I understood what you meant then. But after seeing you again? I really get it now. I don’t know how to name what I feel for you.

I never have.

It’s big and bold and makes everything else feel irrelevant. Like the world could be burning down around us and that’s okay because we’re together. You’re comfort and excitement, home and adventure, greatness and simplicity all wrapped up into this beautiful ache in my heart.

That sounds cheesy, even for me. Good thing I’ll never send this letter, huh?

It’s been two weeks, and I haven’t stopped thinking of you.

Let’s be real. It’s been a year, and I haven’t stopped thinking of you.

No. Let’s see. How long ago did we meet? It’s been that long and I haven’t stopped thinking about you.

I’m so sorry things went to shit between us. Sorry I’m the one to blame. I see the hurt in your eyes, every time you looked at me it was right there. Accusing. Questioning.

Maybe it’s time I explained.

The day you came to see me at the hospital, you told me you’d take care of me. That you’d stand by my side and help me build a new life, and I could see how much you meant it. You’d sacrifice yourself, your goals, your wants, your desires, all to make sure I got better.

That was when I knew I had to set you free.

I’ve been through some shit, Charlie. Some shit I never want you to have to think about. You didn’t know what you were signing up for. How could you? How could you know what it’s like to wake up screaming in the middle of the night? Or to freeze at the sound of a door slamming, because it’s too damn close to the sound of an explosion? How could you understand what it’s like to look in the mirror and see someone you don’t even recognize?

You couldn’t, and that’s the point.

I didn’t want you tethered to my broken pieces. I didn’t want you to lose yourself trying to fix me. And I knew that if I told you that, you’d stay anyway. Because that’s who you are.

I love you too much to put you through that.

So I made the choice for both of us.

And I knew, deep down, that if I tried to explain, you wouldn’t listen. You’d dig your heels in and double down on sticking around. Because that’s who you are.

So I ghosted you.

It killed me to do it. It still does. But at least I knew you’d get to live the life you deserved. And when I heard you were getting married…

Fuck.

I don’t know, Charlie.

I told myself I was relieved, but I was lying. I wanted to be happy that you’d found love, but I just couldn’t get myself there. I guess I’m a selfish bastard.

Are you okay? After everything that happened at the wedding, are you really okay?

I’m sorry that happened to you, that you were cheated on and used and found out about it the way you did, but since I’ll never send this letter, I’m gonna be honest.

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