Page 20 of Free

“Have you considered yoga? Some people have found great relief from both physical and emotional pain by developing a daily practice.”

“I’ll consider it.” We both know I won’t.

He makes another note before glancing up. “How’s your sleep? The nightmares?”

“Love them. Five stars. Wish everyone had a chance to experience them.” I drop onto the couch, the cushions huffingtheir dismay. “Oh, and jumping at loud noises? Freezing up and flashing back to the worst day of my life because a door slams too hard? That’s a blast too.”

Dr. Eddington lowers the pad, sighing as our eyes meet. I cock my head, welcoming the challenge I know is coming. Right now, I’m in the mood for a fight.

“If nothing in your life changes,” he says quietly, “then nothing in your life will change.”

The words land like a sucker punch. They shouldn’t, but they do. My vision tunnels, and for a moment, I’m back in that hospital room, staring at Charlie perched on the edge of a chair, her hands wrapped around mine. Her eyes, warm and full of tears. Her voice, thick with emotion.

“It’s okay to let me take care of you now… I want to. Yes, your life is gonna change, but I’m here… I’m with you… I’ll do whatever it takes… Our lives will change together.”

Shame surges, twisting into anger. I scoff, forcing the memory away, my hands balling into fists, welcoming the rage.

“And nothing changing, that’s bad how?”

“It’s not always a bad thing,” Dr. Eddington says evenly, his hands resting in his lap.

“You do love your word games.” My chest heaves. My fists ache to hit something. My body is charged, primed, ready for action and something in my soul aches, heavy and desperate.

“Not games, Nick. Nuance.”

I exhale sharply, my breath rattling in my chest. The silence between us is heavy, suffocating. I lean forward, perching on the edge of the couch. “Can we just skip the part where you try to make me say what I don’t want to say? I don’t have it in me today.”

“You’re more angry than usual,” Dr. Eddington observes, his eyes narrowing slightly. “Did something happen?”

Charlie.

Charlie happened.

I hang my head, my hands rubbing the back of my neck, but she’s there, waiting. Mascara streaking down her cheeks as she clung to me in my truck. The way her voice cracked when she asked me why I was being kind to her.

“Can’t I just be angry? Isn’t what happened to me last year reason enough?”

“Anger is a secondary emotion.”

“Yeah, yeah.” I rub my face, mimicking his tone. “Anger usually hides the presence of deeper and less comfortable emotions like sadness, guilt, embarrassment, hurt, fear.” My voice drips with sarcasm. “We’ve been here before, man.”

Dr. Eddington doesn’t blink. “Then why are we here again?”

The question takes the wind from my sails. I sit back and scrape a hand over my mouth. I could stay quiet, wait out the clock like I usually do.

“You’re right, Doc. I’ll work on it. I’m fine, you know. Really, I am.”

But Charlie’s words dance through my mind.

You don’t have to stay broken forever.

She hasn’t seen into the darkest recesses of my soul. She doesn’t know the scorched earth of my heart. But the way she looked at me…

…it felt like hope.

Like possibility.

Like maybe…

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