Page 79 of Not Catching Love

“Yeah, it was, but it couldn’t have been more perfect.”

“Perfect is an … interesting word.”

“It describes Derek.”

“Derek. The thing you wanted to get out of our sessions?”

“Yeah, he’s my boyfriend.” Actually, it’s probably bad karma to lie to your shrink. “Well, he’snotmy boyfriend, but he wants to be.”

“And you’re open to it?”

“Yes.”

“So is there a reason you’re not in a relationship?”

I bite my tongue. Our relationship isn’t exactly illegal—I don’t think—but is it the type of thing he’d have to report? I’m pretty sure I can’t confess to killing someone in here without him needing to report it, and with how some people react about me and Derek, you’d think it’s on the same level. I’ve told him about who Derek is as a person but nothing about our relationship.

“You’ve gone quiet,” he says.

“Just trying to figure out how much to tell you.”

He hums, and I narrow my eyes his way.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“The hesitance has made me curious.”

Of course it has. And this is why I don’t like shrinks. Instead of assuming that maybe it’s private and I don’t want to talk about Derek, he’s piecing together some far-fetched theory of his own.

“You don’t need to tell me anything you’re not comfortable with?—”

“I know.”

“But all I’m going to say is that if you’re with someone who isn’t available for a relationship, consider why that might be.Whether this man is telling you the truth or not, the reality is that you’re not in a relationship you both apparently want. Oftentimes, people who don’t feel worthy of love will self-sabotage in this way.”

I groan and hang my head back. “It’s not like that at all.”

“I’m glad to hear it. I’d still recommend thinking about the hurdle between you and why you’re so content to accept it.”

I think I already know the answer to that. That niggling, fluttery happiness that hits my chest every time Derek’s around can only mean one thing. Like hell am I going to bring that up here when he already thinks I’m self-sabotaging. I don’t have the words to explain it to Sherwin though. I’ve met a lot of shitty people in my life. I’ve seen what it looks like when people aren’t interested. Or when they’re telling you what you want to hear. Or when they think you can benefit them.

Derek is none of that. Derek is stability and honesty, and I trust him as much as I trust Seven.

He’s the only person I’ve ever trusted that much.

And I still think they’re both going to leave me.

I rub at where my chest is getting tight.

“How are the panic attacks going?”

Urg. Another subject I hate. “I’m using your coping strategies.”

“When was your last episode?”

I chew on my tongue, not wanting to say.

“Was it recent?”

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