Page 73 of Not Catching Love

I’m not sure why that surprises me, but it isn’t something I’d thought about before. “What did you say?”

“That we’ve been hanging out a lot. That you’re really cool, and I love spending time with you.” Derek sighs. “I wish I could have said more.”

I draw a circle on the carpet with my foot and shift the phone back to the other ear. “What more would you have said?”

This is one of those moments. One where we get close to Derek telling me what’s on his mind right before he pulls back again. The little tease of him telling me he wants more without him actually saying the words. I’m not so sure I’d survive Derek telling me he wants to be with me, so that’s something. No dying from spontaneous cardiac arrest before I even have a chance to find a boyfriend.

Like every other time, Derek’s self-control holds out.

“Can I come and pick you up?”

I glance down at what I’m wearing. “I don’t really have an outfit appropriate for standing in a field.”

“I got you.”

He hangs up, and I’m left wondering what the fuck that means.

Rush does a double take as he passes my room. “Are you okay? You’re very still. Is this a petit mal seizure?”

“This is meeting the boyfriend’s friends shock.”

He glances around again. “You have a boyfriend? Is he in the room with us?”

“Urg, you’re as bad as Seven. And Molly.AndDerek.”

“I’m lost.”

“Fine, Derek isn’t technically my boyfriend.”

Rush crosses his arms and leans against the wall in thought. “If he’snottechnically your boyfriend, then it means he isn’t your boyfriend, so therefore, you don’t have a boyfriend, so how on earth are you meeting the friends of someone who doesn’t exist?”

“Do any of us really exist? There’s a theory that the world ended in 2020, and our consciousness is refusing to let go of existing.”

“That’s true. It’s impossible to know, really. The other theory is that the barrier between multiverses is weakening, and we’re slipping in and out. Which would explain why I keep losing my chia pet.”

I glance over at the clay unicorn on my windowsill. Madden gifted a different one to each member of the house. “Why do you move it?”

“I don’t. But somehow, it ended up in the downstairs bathroom.”

“Maybe you took it down there to water it?”

He thinks for a moment. “That actually makes perfect sense.”

My phone lights up with a text from Derek, letting me know he’s out the front.

“Shit, I have to go.”

Rush straightens and turns to leave. “I hope your consciousness has fun with your imaginary boyfriend’s not-real friends.”

“Thanks. I hope your chia pet is done playing hide-and-seek.”

Even though Derek’s waiting, I pause to check my reflection. My reflection made up of fragments of a person. My hair. My eyes. My skin. Focusing on each little piece is easier than trying to look at my whole self because it disappoints me every time. Too short. Too skinny. Hair too harsh for my skin or too faded to be cute. My clothes too loose or too tight or too long or too short.

My freckles need a touch-up.

Some of them have faded, and the thought of meeting Derek’s friends, of them not being able to see the tattoos, not coming to the conclusion that I’m cute and sweet and worthy of him … I swallow the taste of panic and try to remember what Sherwin said. Something about refocus. About remembering what I do like. About taking back my agency. My eyes drift closed, and I try to remember. I’m here. I’m alive. There’s something about me that Derek likes enough to keep coming back.

“Hey, you ready?”

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