Page 67 of Not Catching Love

“It was … wow, Xander. That was every bit as amazing as you are.”

My eyebrows flex with a frown I fight against. Fucking compliments.

“No.” He pulls me down to kiss my forehead. “You don’t get to disagree with me. You might not have enjoyed it, but you don’t get to argue that I’m wrong.”

“I wasn’t going to.”

He gives me anI know youlook, and it’s hard not to believe it.

My gaze drops to where my hand is resting on his chest. “It was … I don’t think I have words. I guess I’m not a virgin now.”

“Was that important to you?”

“No. I get that it’s all a construct and not a real thing, so I didn’t care about being a virgin. I cared about … about the fact that I’d never had someone want me that badly. I’ve never had someone want me in their lives at all, let alone be sexually attracted to me.”

“I’m struggling to believeno onehas been sexually attracted to you.”

The fact I have to explain this isn’t something I want to do, but it’s either explain or sound like an idiot. “No, well, they have. That’s the issue. Surface-level attraction, it sort of, well, I don’t like it. Strangers looking at me …” My gut twists up in familiar knots. I don’t even really know where the aversion has come from, but my whole life, I’ve kind of had this instinct. This deep knowledge of who’s good and can be trusted and who will probably hurt me.

Derek’s a mixture of both, but at least I know his hurt won’t be intentional. At least I know what I’m walking into with him.

“It makes you uncomfortable?”

I swallow roughly. “Yeah. I’m not someone who can do one-night stands, I guess, and there aren’t a lot of people who’d get involved with someone like me. I’m high-maintenance.”

“You’re n?—”

“Don’tlie.” It’s sweet he was going to, but I don’t need that. It’s empty. “You pointed out that your whole life revolved around me, and that’s shitty as hell.” My voice loses some of its confidence. “I’ve never told anyone this before. Not even Seven. Sometimes I worry that I’ll say or do the wrong thing or put too much on him, and then he’ll decide he’s done. And he’ll take Molly with him. That terrifies the fuck out of me.”

“Has he ever done anything to make you feel that way?”

My smile is tight when I look up at him. “Haven’t you got it yet? My brain doesn’t run on logic. It runs on catastrophizing, negativity, and throws in the sheer terror of mortality every now and then to keep things interesting.”

“We both see you very differently.”

“We … do?” I’m a self-aware guy, and I know there aren’t many other ways to think of me. I’m either being annoying by thinking I’m dying or annoying by needing too much attention. Ican’t turn off either of those sides of me, especially because they feed into each other. Seven and Molly are the only two people on Earth I’ve ever felt love me so fucking deeply that I can trust they won’t go anywhere, but a day or two without their full attention, and I lose it. I’m working on my coping strategies, but I don’t think anyone knows how deep that well goes. How convincing my brain can be.

Derek nods, running his nose over my jaw. “You’re someone who so badly wants to do the right thing. You’d go out of your way for the people you love, and you lash out sometimes because you’re scared. People haven’t been kind to you, but you so badly want to trust them anyway. That’s huge, Xander.”

“Or delusional.”

“I have a serious question that I don’t want a snarky answer for.”

I almost roll my eyes. “No guarantees.”

“Then no question.”

My glare doesn’t work on him. “What if I don’t want to answer you?”

“Then say that.”

The truth? Kill me now. “Fine. Go.”

“Do you actually like putting yourself down all the time? At first, I didn’t think you knew that you were doing it, but I’m getting the feeling it’s on purpose.”

That’s an easy one. “It helps to think of myself the way everyone else does.”

“Right. And who is everyone?”

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