Page 48 of Not Catching Love

He beats me to it. “Can I ask you something?”

“Yes,” I say, like I’m latching onto anything.

“Aren’t you tired of fighting?”

A rush of emotion prickles behind my nose. I can’t answer him.

“On your intake forms, you said the one thing you want to get out of therapy is Derek. Now, it’s up to you. If you’re not ready, you can leave. But if you are … do you want to tell me about him?”

This is my cue to go. The thing I’ve been waiting all session for. Something keeps me in that chair though. Something thick, and restricting, and annoying. And almost hopeful.

PART TWO

SIX MONTHS LATER

Chapter Eighteen

Derek

Maybe I shouldn’t be this nervous. It doesn’t make sense.

A lot has changed since I last saw Xander, and I don’t even know if he volunteers here anymore. Knowing him, probably not. I’m nervous over nothing. Being ridiculous.

It’s been six months, and it wasn’t until yesterday, when the jet lag started to wear off, that I let myself think of him, and as soon as I did that, it’s like no time passed at all.

Ghana was … an experience. Amazing and humbling, and for the first time in years, I switched everything off and focused on other people.

Xander was a distant memory.

I should have known that wouldn’t last.

My guilt at the way I left things has come back strong, and I’m dreading seeing him again. I’m dreading not seeing him again but for so many other reasons. I know his visits to the pharmacy have lessened, but I have no clue if that’s becausehe’s doing better or not, and it kills me to think that I might have made everything so much worse. If I hadn’t gotten on that plane when I did, I wouldn’t have been able to stay strong.

Before I left, I made sure to brief the other two nurses at the pharmacy on how to handle his attacks. Every second of running them through it felt like a betrayal, and I know that once I go back to work, if I’m on shift, I’ll need to be the one to see him.

My only consolation is that at least his visits aren’t as frequent anymore. Constantine’s been keeping me updated because even out of the country, I had to make sure he was okay.

Apparently, Xander means more to me than I thought.

“Derek!” Mary’s face splits into an enormous grin as I approach reception. “I thought your name was an error when I saw it on my list.”

As much as I loved Ghana and the people there, being back feels right.

“Nope, I landed two days ago and couldn’t wait to get here.”

“You’d think spending four months volunteering overseas would give you a breather from volunteering for a while.”

I shrug and take the badge she hands to me. “I missed everyone.” Which isn’t a lie, but I also hate how much “everyone” mostly means Xander.

“Well, I know Carla will be happy you’re back. Another volunteer, Xander, stepped in to cover for you, but I think she ended up teaching him.”

My head snaps toward her so fast I swear I almost break my neck. “Xander?”

“Yeah, you know him?”

I’m right on the cusp of asking her if he’s here, if he’s been volunteering the whole time, how he’s been … but I swallow it all down. “Vaguely.”

She fills me in on how some of the residents are doing, but my brain has already checked out of the conversation. Normally I’m not this rude, but I’m desperate to head up the hall and poke my head into the art room.

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