Page 25 of Not Catching Love

“Duh.” He doesn’t need to teach me that. I say fucked-up things all the time, and I have to deal with the aftereffects. “I’m sure he’s run his mouth to the wrong people before, but he’s a stranger, and I’ve dealt with worse, so if he wants to call me a fairy, I’ll call him a crotchety has-been and move on.”

“That’s very cool of you.”

Unlike Derek, who’d been prepared to storm the nursing home, apparently. It niggles something deep and longing in my gut. “Were you about to walk in there and defend my honor?”

“Not just yours, but yes.”

Of course he was. When I look at Derek, I see a guardian angel. A protector. It makes absolute sense that he’d want to stand up for what’s right and not let people get away with shitty behavior. I have enough shitty behavior of my own that calling someone else out feels hypocritical. Derek though? Derek’s perfect.

“You’re sweet.”

He grunts. “I also heard them both call you a trash … panda?”

“Feral raccoon.”

“What the fuck was up with that?”

Again, what the hell does it matter to me if someone calls me a feral raccoon? Raccoons are cute. I’m cute. “Aggy is my honorary grandmother, and she’s as much of a pain in the ass as I am.”

“You shouldn’t talk about yourself like that.”

I lean closer. “Andyoushouldn’t tell people what to do.”

“Sorry. I … you’re right.”

“You don’t need to pretend to care though,” I say, lightlypunching his chest. “I’m very tough. I can look out for myself. If someone pisses me off, they know about it.”

That brings his laugh back. “I’ve found that out for myself.”

“On many, many occasions.”

There’s still warm amusement in his eyes as he looks down at me. Then something shifts. “Xander … Ido… care. You know that … right?”

The heavy hesitation in his tone surprises me. Derek reminds me of one of those guys I used to watch in high school. The ones where everything came so effortlessly to them. Sports, schooling, friends. Nothing weighed them down. Nothing was unscalable.

I used to want to be one of those guys.

Now, Iwantone of those guys.

The fact that the kindest, sweetest, hottest, most caring man in the entire fucking world is in my life, that he fills me with the type of safe contentment I’ve never had and has zero interest in giving me more, feels like a sick joke.

I need him. He doesn’t need me.

So he can say he cares all he likes. I know what he means.

“Of course you care. Everyone cares about the kicked puppy.”

I shift, about to ready myself to leave, when Derek’s big hand circles my wrist. His grip is soft, but his gaze is steady.

“Not like a puppy, Xander. You’re so much more than you give yourself credit for.” He lets go suddenly and nods, but I’ve swallowed my damn tongue. That actually sounded … genuine.

“I’m going to set up,” he says. “I’ll probably see you around … but I hope not.”

Chapter Ten

Derek

Sometimes I’m convinced that I’m deliberately self-sabotaging. Telling Xander that I care about him is so completely fucking counterproductive to, well, everything.

---